A Little Less Than Before
by Burrberry Bugsy
Summary: Bella learns to deal with rejection the hard way by having to watch the man she loves marry her best friend. Who better to help her out than the provocative best man, Edward Cullen? "Your feelings for me are there, Bella, you're just ignoring them." E/B
1. Her Eyes Say Yes

**Author's Notes:** Oh yes, another out of the blue story idea from yours truly! Blame it on watching _**My Best Friend's Wedding **_and the depressing stories some of my closest friends keep telling me that relate very much to the plotline of this story. Give it a chance! I've been on a writing frenzy with this and already have the first few chapters written out. Spring break is inspiring, especially when I don't have much else to do but sit in front of my laptop all day due to lack of homework :)

I know this has probably been done before, but a very wise and good friend of mine told me, "You're not like everybody else so your version of the story won't be like all the others" and I decided she was definitely right. So, thank you Erica, for always helping me make my jumbled mind up and for once again agreeing to be the beta to yet another one of my stories. You're the best and I freaking love you!

As mentioned, you can thank **IcelandGirl812** for persuading me to post this up. I'm telling you, the girl is all sorts of wonderful!

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

* * *

**  
A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter One;**

_**Her Eyes Say Yes**_**  
**  
_Full Summary: Some people say the hardest thing to do is watch the person you love, love someone else. Bella Swan learns to deal with rejection the hard way by having to watch the man she loves marry her best friend. Who better to help her out than the provocative best man and brother of her best friend, Edward Cullen? "Your feelings for me are there, Bella," Edward whispered. "you're just ignoring them." E/B_

* * *

**_Bella Swan_**

_While I dreamt of you,  
you gazed at her.  
While I cried alone,  
you wiped her tears.  
Because while you love her  
With all of your heart  
My loves goes unnoticed,  
and tears me apart._

_I love you.  
Is it too much to ask of you, to love me too?_

I stared down at the ratty piece of paper I had crumpled up and smoothed back to normal so many times. It was worn down, smeared in places where I had cried countless tears debating whether or not it'd be right of me to just hand it to him as if it were nothing more than a simple congratulatory letter. It was so much more than that. It was my heart in the shape of a torn piece of chicken scratched notebook paper that I guarded with my life.

It wasn't much.

But it was all I had to offer.

I couldn't give him fancy clothes, overpriced watches, or even five-star dinners like she could. Not that he needed all that stuff because he was just as down to earth and uncomfortable with excessive amounts of money as I was. It was part of the reason why we got along so well.

And not even a fourth of the reason why I was so madly in love with him.

I could sit and spew every single reason why I was in love with Jasper Whitlock like the lovesick woman I was, fawning over the object of my desire of eight painstakingly long years. If I wanted to, I bet I could write a novel on the story of our lives together. How we skipped our first class together, went to our first real college party together, how we both experienced our first hangovers together.

Basically, we had done everything together for the last eight years. He was the main man in my life for so long and had always been the first one I ever called for absolutely anything. He was there for me when that sadistic bitch, Jessica Stanley told everyone I got it on with Mike Newton in the bathroom in high school. He was there for me when my longtime friend, Jacob Black asked me to have sex with him and I refused. He was even there for me when I got stranded on the road because my old truck couldn't handle a trip to Port Angeles and back to get his birthday present.

He's the best friend I've ever had.

And he's getting married, to the only other best friend I've had in all my glorious twenty-five years of life - Alice Cullen. What's even sadder is that I introduced them to each other. She was in my Political Science class in college and since we didn't know anyone else, we befriended one another. She was just as horrid with the class as I was, so we found our own little ways to cheat here and there. I'd save half the answers from the practice test into my phone and she'd save the other half, and we'd text each other the answers and ended up passing with A's. We took as many classes together as we could after that.

She and I were so different, yet so similar at the same time.

So when I introduced her to my main guy, I never thought anything of it at first. She never looked at him like she felt anything more than friendship, so I never thought to worry about it. Before I knew it, we were the happiest set of best friends in existence. She fit in so well with us that I almost forgot how things were before she came along. _Almost_, being the keyword. Our previous twosome became a threesome and nothing felt wrong with it.

And then Christmas eve came along, which changed everything. He called me and told me I needed to pick up my early Christmas present. I didn't know why in the hell he couldn't have just given it to me on Christmas day since we usually spent it together anyway. I decided to shrug it off and met him at the Zig Zag café we had spent every Friday night in for the past four years. We all made it a weekly tradition to only drink on Friday nights together. That meant no other alcoholic beverages until all three of us were seated around our usual table. It was Wednesday, and it was Christmas eve of all days, but it was the only day we could meet since we would be with family all weekend.

When I arrived, I suddenly felt so under dressed when I saw him sitting at our usual outdoor table, looking more stunning than ever as he sipped on his usual order of a Deshler cocktail. He had his winter coat buttoned all the way, collar popped up with a cashmere scarf wrapped around the length of his neck to help shield out the cold Seattle winter weather. Everyone always looked at the three of us like we were insane to sit at an outdoor table at the end of December, but it was tradition, so we never cared too much about what people thought.

He smiled that gorgeous smile of his once I made my appearance known and got up to wrap his arms around me, pecking my check softly afterwards. "Hey, Jezebels! Your cheeks look extra pink tonight."

I laughed at his comment and smacked his arm lightly, thanking him when he pulled my chair out for me to sit in. Jasper Whitlock was the only person who could ever get away with calling me _Jezebels_ of all things. It was his joke nickname for me that just stuck through the years. It started when I refused Jacob Black. Jasper said I was a wicked woman for making Jacob fall so hard and then denying him all the same. When I asked him where he even heard that name from, he admitted to watching an episode of Twilight Zone and heard it on there. I think we laughed for hours at his admittance.

I remember once hoping he had given me the nickname Jezebels because if said in a certain way, it sounded like our nicknames put together. Jazz and Bells, Jezebels. See what I mean?

"Alice is on her way now." he said, taking another sip from his glass. "I ordered your usual."

"Thanks, Jasper." I smiled and within minutes, Alice was hugging me close and taking the seat next to me.

"Jesus, it's cold as hell tonight!" she laughed her tinkling laugh. "I'm surprised none of us have gotten pneumonia from how many times we've sat out here and sipped on alcohol!"

We all laughed as Alice and I waited on our drinks so we could begin the weekly chit chat talk we always had. Soon enough, our cocktails were placed in front of us, courtesy of Jasper.

"Alright, I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore." Jasper spoke after another sip, letting a hint of his southern drawl slip out. Yes, Jasper was a southern boy and he was just as great as all the cowboy movies make them out to be. He was chivalrous, funny, and let's not forget gorgeous as hell. I'm sure one too many girls envied the closeness Alice and I shared with him. He set his glass down and reached into his pocket, placing a small black velvet box down in front of me.

Dear god, I think my heart literally stopped at that moment.

I couldn't do anything but stare at it as if I were some kind of man who had seen an oasis in the middle of a desert. I felt like it was all a hallucination that could be wiped away within seconds of a swipe of his hand.

But, it wasn't. And it was still there in front of me as Jasper inched it closer.

"For goodness sake, _open_ it, Jezebels." he laughed. "I'm dying here!"

I held my breath and grabbed it in one hand, knowing everything would change as soon as I flipped the little black box open. If it was what I was thinking it was, I'd jump and scream and let all of Seattle know I was the happiest girl in the world. I looked over at Alice and her eyes were beaming not just for me, but in excitement to see what was in the box.

Jasper knew me better than anyone, even better than her. So I knew right away that whatever was in the box, I'd positively, without a doubt, love to bits and pieces. Both Jasper and Alice eagerly watched as I lifted the top up.

_Oh_.

It wasn't what I was expecting, but it was still beautiful nonetheless. I tried to mask my disappoint as best as I could with a huge smile. Key and heart lock pendants dangled from the lovely silver chain as I stared at it in awe. Jasper sure was a sly bastard, using a ring box to put a necklace in. I wanted to smack him across the head for tricking me but I loved the guy too much to do such a thing.

"Do you like it?" Jasper asked, trying to gauge my reaction.

Alice peeked over and beamed even more. "Wow, Bella, it's beautiful."

It really, _really_ was. I smiled and nodded my head, fingering the outline of the two pendants. "She's right, Jasper. It's stunning. Thank you so much."

He shrugged with a lazy grin and watched as Alice helped put it on. "I figured I had to get the two most important women in my life something nice." At that very moment, Jasper slid an identical box to Alice as she squealed in delight. "Aww, Ali, did you think I forgot about my little pixie?"

"For a second, I thought you did, Jazz. Asshole!" She giggled and opened the box with a heartfelt squeak.

"I decided on these necklaces because you both will always be the only ones with keys to my heart."

Goodness, Jasper really _was_ the biggest sweetheart ever. I wanted to be jealous that he gave Alice the same exact necklace he had given me, but I couldn't after hearing the reasoning behind it. He loved us both equally, even though I was sure I loved him in a much different way than Alice did.

Or, so I thought.

"Oh my god." Alice whispered as I turned to her, bewildered at her sudden change of mood. "Oh. My. _God_."

She carefully pulled the necklace out and I suddenly felt every single part of my heart rip to shreds.

There on the exact necklace he had given me, was something that definitely wasn't included on mine. A gorgeous white gold, heart-cut diamond ring dangled beside the key and lock pendants, sparkling brightly even in the dimness of the moonlit winter night. A ring that nice was definitely not cheap. I don't know how or where he even got the money, but Alice and I both turned to Jasper at the same time. My already shredding heart broke a little more at the sight of him down on one knee because I knew what this meant.

Her eyes were saying yes. Yes to the question I was so desperately hoping he was going to ask me.

My head started spinning and I couldn't hear what he was saying to her anymore. I remember hearing her squeal and him declaring "I'm getting married!" to the entire restaurant that had already burst into applause. I was pulled into a crushing embrace, with the man I was in love with on one side of me and my very best friend on the other.

They were happy. So goddamn happy that I almost wanted to throw up from it. Jasper's heart belonged to her. Not me. And all of a sudden, I didn't _want_ the necklace anymore. I really didn't. I wanted to rip it off my neck and throw it back at Jasper and yell at him for being so stupid the last couple of years. What point was there in me having the necklace anyway? He shouldn't be giving me the "key" to his heart when it so rightfully belonged to Alice now. God, idiot. I _hate_ you.

Not really. I could never hate him.

Jesus, I was so fucking selfish. So bitter over the fact that he wanted her over me that I couldn't even find it in me to be happy for my two best friends.

I _wanted_ to be happy. I really did, but...

I couldn't fight the rush of tears that began overflowing as soon as I realized what was going on. I let them think I was crying in happiness, that I was so overjoyed for both of them that I could barely contain myself. I tried to mask the brokenness within me as Jasper held me tight and kept whispering, "I'm getting married, Jezebels!" into my ear.

Yeah, I freaking know you're getting married.

That's why I'm crying. You blind, wonderful asshole.

It was completely wrong of me to call him that since this was neither of their faults. If anything, it was mine because I kept my mouth shut for much too long. But my heart was crushing and thinking rationally was definitely not something I was capable of in that moment.

Alice cried with me and squealed endlessly as she held me on the cement where I had started crying. Kept proclaiming over and over that she was the happiest girl on Earth.

I bet.

I can't even fathom how much I envied her at that moment. For the first time in my entire four years of knowing her, I hated her too. And I felt so damned guilty for feeling that way, but was so jealous and selfish that in that brief moment of time, I _did_ hate Alice Cullen. Which was absolutely ridiculous, I'll admit, but I couldn't help it. In that moment, I sincerely did.

And then it went away as soon as it came.

Because whether I liked it or not, I loved them both too much to even think of ever hating them for real.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I needed to get out of there.

So with blurred vision and the fakest smile I've ever worn, I excused myself to go home and claimed the combination of the cocktail and weather had finally gotten to me. They smiled and wished me a merry Christmas, leaving together hand in hand.

_Of course_.

I barely made it through my door before I stumbled to the floor in a heaping mess of tears and agonized groans as my heart broke to pieces. I pounded on the floor with my fist and hugged my knees to my chest, drowned in the deepest waters of denial I had ever treaded in my life. For eight years I was silently in love him. For eight years I pushed boys away because he was the only one I wanted.

_JasperJasperJasper_.

Eight years.

Eight freaking years.

_Wasted._

My two best friends were getting married. They were the two most important people in my life outside of family.

And I wasn't even happy for them.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I'm excited about this one guys. And I hope some of you will give it a chance because I mean, I'm REALLY liking this one. Reviews would be greatly appreciated? Let me know you're interested perhaps? I'd love you all forever if you gave me some feedback :)

Pictures of the diamond ring, necklaces, and new banner are up on my profile!

Until next time then!

-_**BB**_


	2. Chasing Pavements

**Author's Notes: **Yay! Thanks everyone who decided to give this a shot! Just like I mentioned, I'm super excited about this one and I'm glad to see that a lot of you are excited for me! So, I'm off to enjoy the last bits of my spring break. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

"Eons" of love to **IcelandGirl812** (LOL, it's an inside joke between us) for being a great beta and for fixing up the errors in this chapter for me. Not only is she one kick ass beta, but she's an even better friend and I can't thank her enough for the comfort with errr, issues going on in my life. I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about, Erica. Thanks so much for everything, love you lots!

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight!

* * *

**  
A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Two;**

_**Chasing Pavements**_

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

"So Bells," my father took a long swig of his beer. Only my father of all people would drink a beer on Christmas day, "How was Christmas Eve?"

Really, dad? Okay, here goes. I kept thinking I was going to get an engagement ring, but instead I watched the man I love propose to my best friend. I spent the entire night crying and drinking to try and relieve my sorrows, but it didn't really work. So now I'm going to be the maid of honor at a wedding I wish I was the bride for, and I've got a killer hangover.

I wiped my mouth with the napkin beside myself and smiled as warmly as I could, "Fine."

_Liar_.

Charlie smiled as well and poked another bit of food onto his fork. "Well that's good to hear. Jasper and Alice doing well? I haven't seen the two of them in ages."

I wanted to throw my spoon at his head, but it wouldn't be fair since he had absolutely no idea to begin with. Maybe he'd get the hint if I just put it out there and told him. "He proposed to her last night, actually."

"No way!" Charlie boomed, taking another long swig from his beer bottle. "That's great! Give them my blessing. When's the wedding?"

"June," I replied, trying to distract myself by swirling the mashed potatoes on my plate side to side.

He kept talking about how he had seen it coming, and by the time he finished his beer, I had had enough. Was I the only one who this came as a shock to? For years I always thought Jasper treated Alice and I exactly the same.

He never looked at her like he was in love with her. The last thing I was expecting him to do was propose to her. And yet, Charlie says he saw it coming? Was there something I was missing all those times Alice and Jasper came over for dinner at my dad's house? Had Charlie caught them in a questioning state at one of Alice's gatherings I dragged him along to sometimes?

I really couldn't figure it out.

But then again, maybe I _did_ see it the whole time and just refused to believe it. Was that the case? I wasn't too sure.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and decided there was no way I was going to be able to hold myself together even though I was miles away from them. I could only imagine how much worse it would be when I'd actually have to face them again.

I made up some stupid excuse and told my dad I wasn't feeling well. I gave him his Christmas present and locked myself up in my old room on the second floor until I'd be forced to go back down for dinner. I heard him hoot and howl once he opened his gift, ringing up his best friend Billy Black not even seconds later. My dad was the easiest guy in the world to figure out sometimes. He kept hinting on some new fishing pole every time we talked on the phone, so I jotted the description down one day, and I was good to go.

I was so glad the water works hadn't started when Charlie came busting into my room to say thank you, and that he loved me. It was always a bit weird when he showed his affection, but I loved him too much to fault him for simply being a loving father on Christmas day. My parents were divorced, so I always had to go back and forth between the holidays, but I eventually got used to it.

I always seemed to enjoy Christmases with my father more because they were simple. It'd be just my dad and I in the house, which I enjoyed because I didn't have to deal with anybody I didn't know. Just my father, who I loved dearly. It was also a lot easier to visit him since he was only a three-hour car ride away from Seattle.

My mom and stepfather were back in Phoenix; I made a note in my head to give them a call later to see if my presents arrived without any trouble. Shipping cost an extra thirty bucks, yet it was worth it if I knew they had something to open from me on Christmas morning.

Eventually, I trudged myself out of my room to make us dinner. We ate in silence and just enjoyed each other's company as we did for years and years before I moved out to Seattle for college. The weekend with my dad helped distract me enough, but now it was time to get myself back to reality.

Back to the reality of Jasper and Alice getting married in six months.

I almost swerved off the road as the sudden realization of it hit me. I was going to have to face them both sooner or later. They were my best friends. I was the maid of honor, plans had to be made, and of course we'd have to meet up at our usual on Friday.

The four-day weekend of pent up emotion got to me, and eventually I pulled off to the side of the road and just let myself cry for a while to get it all out. I wanted to be strong for Charlie because I knew he knew absolutely nothing about how to comfort his brokenhearted daughter and losing it in front of him would just cause discomfort for us both. And since he was still back in Forks, lounging on his couch watching the television, I pressed my forehead against the steering wheel of my car and let the tears roll.

I made it back to Seattle a blubbering mess and locked myself away from the world until I had to face it again on Friday. Jasper and Alice called multiple times to check up on me and to see how my weekend in Forks went, but I was too much of a coward to talk to either of them just yet. I needed to build walls and barricades they couldn't get around so I'd look like the happy best friend who was ecstatic for June to come around. New Year's Eve was on Monday, but I didn't feel ready enough to go partying with the two of them.

They stopped by on New Year's Day, but I made up some lame ass excuse that I was tired from bringing in the New Year to get them to leave.

I brought in the New Year with tubs of ice cream, lotioned tissues, and a tattered up notebook I was using to scribble my feelings into. I was a wreck and needed to get it together fast.

Friday came along, and I dreaded the very thought of being face to face with the happy couple again. I pulled my coat closer as the hostess led me to our usual table outside. She knew the three of us and never let anyone sit there on Friday nights except us. I was the first to arrive and decided it was my turn to order for everyone as I absentmindedly thumbed the piece of paper in my pocket.

During my time of being locked inside my own private, emotion bubble, I ended up writing a very short poem for Jasper about how I felt regarding the entire situation. I had crumpled it up so many times and cried too many tears that smudged the ink. It surprised me that the whole thing was still legible.

It was a short letter that said everything that needed to be said. A letter that made my desperation for him so pathetically obvious.

_God._ What the hell was wrong with me? I wanted to give him the letter in hopes of him returning my feelings full on.

Meaning, I wanted him to forget about his feelings for Alice for my own selfish benefit.

What kind of a best friend am I?

I sighed heavily and took a long sip of the cocktail in front of me as soon as the waiter placed it down. This was going to be harder than I thought.

Sooner than I expected, Jasper and Alice appeared by the table hand in hand, all smiles, and it ripped me to shreds all over again. _You can do this, Bella_. I plastered on a fake smile and hugged them both, apologizing for missing their calls, for not returning their messages, and for bringing in the New Year without them.

Like the wonderful best friends they were to me, they forgave me instantly and instead talked about other things. They were the best people I knew.

And I _still_ couldn't be happy for them.

I listened to how their weekend together went, how they decorated a Christmas tree together and sang carols, and all that other good, holiday stuff. Normally, we did all this stuff together. It had been that way for four years. Bella, Jasper, and Alice.

But, things were different now. More like Jasper and Alice, plus Bella.

They were a couple now. They were an engaged couple to be married in June and there was nothing I could do about it.

And the thought of being that helpless with the situation was so fucking painful, I almost couldn't stand it.

"Oh, Bella!" Alice chimed in, pulling me away from my distant thoughts. She bounced eagerly in her seat and took a sip from her apple martini. "You remember my brother, right?"

I swallowed down the throbbing heartache that threatened to spill itself out with another sip of my cocktail_. Be happy for them, Bella. Be happy_. "Who? Emmett?"

"No, no. Not Emmett. The one who lives in Chicago, Edward?"

The name sounded familiar to me as I nodded and pulled my coat closer. I knew Emmett because he lived in the area and was always at Alice's family gatherings. Honestly, he had intimidated me at first because he was so tall and just plain... well, _big_. But after getting to know him, I found out he was just a plushy teddy bear in the body of a muscle builder. One wag of his eyebrows and a loud guffaw after I tripped over myself, and I was loving the guy as if he were my own brother.

It was the easiest thing in the world to be friends with Alice and Emmett. It made me wonder if I'd get along with Edward just as well. I'd never met him before because he worked in a successful business firm in Chicago, where he also had a very nice place. Or so Emmett and Alice said from what they'd seen in pictures. He never made it to Alice's family parties since he could never find the time to get away from his busy schedule. I highly doubted that fitting in a trip from Chicago to Seattle was easy for him with how often he worked anyway.

"Edward. Yeah, I remember you talking about him before. What about him?" I asked.

"Well," Alice began bouncing in her seat again. I had to stifle back a laugh at how she was such a ball of energy even though it was freezing. "He's going to be the best man for the wedding, so I thought it'd be nice if you guys could finally meet."

_Wedding_. Jasper and Alice. _Fuck_.

I smoothed my hair down and tried to distract myself with thoughts other than the ones swimming around in my head. If I fell apart in front of them, I wouldn't be able to use the "I'm so happy for you two" speech anymore. I decided to try my luck and use some humor to calm myself, "Best man? What, Jasper, don't have any guy friends of your _own_ to use as your men?"

It worked. Jasper and Alice laughed loudly at that, and I ended up joining them, masking every part of me that was hurting quite well.

"Jesus, Jezebels, give me a break!" Jasper chuckled heartily. "You know you and Ali are my best friends. I can't very well ask you to be my best man because well, you're not a man, and Alice already called dibs for you to be her maid of honor."

"Plus, I love my brothers dearly, so I had to include them in the wedding somehow. And I think they'd hate me forever if I forced them to be my bridesmaids in dresses and all, so I settled for the next best thing."

We all laughed again at the thought of big, bulky Emmett in a frilly gown.

"Well, that makes sense I suppose," I mused, taking another short sip. "So, how is this whole meeting thing going to work if he's all the way in Chicago? Is he flying out for the wedding?" I suddenly hated that word.

Alice clapped her hands together, and her big, brown eyes filled with excitement. "That's the thing! The company Emmett works for now is looking for new employers, and since Edward's been thinking of moving back to Washington, Emmett recommended him! He turned in his résumé and got the job. So, Edward's moving back here in two weeks at the latest."

Jasper and I laughed at her exuberance. It must have been really exciting for her since she never got to see Edward. I think I remember her telling me once that the last time she really ever got to spend time with him was when she graduated college, and that was already three years ago. He couldn't even stay long either.

I decided to throw it out there and ask when Alice waved for another round of drinks. "So, Jazz, why Edward for your best man and not Emmett?"

He chuckled and pressed his hair away from his face. "Alice flipped a coin."

I busted into giggles at that point because it was _so_ her. I could even picture the scenario in my head. Her flipping the coin while holding her breath and sighing in relief when it was over and done with. As much as I envied her, I loved Alice with every part of my heart.

Jasper and Alice, plus Bella. I needed to get used to that.

"So what do you think, Jezebels? Are you excited to meet him?" Jasper asked, circling his arm around Alice's shoulders.

I knew he didn't mean to hurt me by doing so, but I couldn't help looking away and diverted my attention to my newly filled cocktail glass. Usually, Alice and I sat next to each other, and Jasper sat across from us. It was the way it always was. Until now. Another thing I had to get used to. Jasper and Alice, plus Bella.

"Are _you_ excited to meet him? He is _your_ best man after all." I turned the question back at him and tried to laugh, though it came out sounding awkward and stupid. Hopefully neither of them noticed.

"Yeah, of course I'm excited to meet him," he grinned. "I've always wanted brothers, and now I get two. It'll be nice to finally get to be able to hang out with _guys_ for once. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the hell out of both of you. But maybe now people will stop looking at me as if I'm the gay tag-along best friend! Shit."

For another time that night, I let out a long heartfelt laugh and soon, all of us were in fits of tears together. I was genuinely enjoying myself and felt a little better about everything.

A _little_.

Yet it still hurt so much at the same time. I realized then that there was no way I could give him the letter. I'd never be able to forgive myself if _I_ was the reason why either of them was unhappy.

I loved Jasper too much to make him decide.

And I loved Alice too much to betray her like that.

All I could do for both of them was just, _be happy_.

I was still working on it, but I'd get there. Eventually. I would.

Once it became a little too late to still be lingering outdoors, we exchanged our goodbyes and promised to see each other next Friday as we always did. Alice and I made arrangements to look for new dresses for the engagement party they were throwing sometime around Edward's arrival.

That meant I had roughly around two weeks to prep myself into being the golden best friend who would have to retell their love story over and over to people I didn't know. Great. I made a mental note to myself to pick up some waterproof mascara sometime before then. I'd bet anything I'd need it. As soon as our drinks were paid for, I waved and shuffled through my purse for my car keys.

"Hey, Jezebels?"

I turned back to my gorgeous best friend who had his arms open for a hug. With a laugh, I placed myself against him and felt the warmth all around me. He held me there against him in front of our table for a while, just enjoying the moment. I assumed Alice had gone to the car because she was nowhere in sight.

"I never asked for your opinion on all of this. I feel like such an idiot since I never even ran the idea by you first. So, tell me the truth. What do you think?"

I closed my eyes and thought out my words carefully.

As much as I wanted to tell him I loved him and wished it was me he had given the ring to, I couldn't. As much as I wanted to put my eight years of built up feelings out there for him to grab, I couldn't. Marry _me_ instead, I wanted to say. _Love me_ instead, I wanted to say.

I love you, Jasper. More than you'll ever know.

There were so many things I wanted to tell him, so many things I wanted to _show_ him.

But I couldn't because he's happier now than I've ever seen him before. _Alice_ made him feel that way. _Alice_ made him feel the way he made _me_ feel every day without ever trying.

Alice. Not me. _Alice_.

There were so many unspoken words my heart was aching to tell him. But none of those things were the right things to say.

So I didn't say them. I held my tongue, shut my mouth, and swallowed down the pain...

_Because while you love her with all your heart,  
my love goes unnoticed and tears me apart._

...and instead went with what I knew would make him even happier.

Because I was his best friend, and I knew he wanted my approval more than anything. As much as I wanted to give him that, I just... _couldn't_.

But I could pretend.

I could pretend like it didn't shatter my world, because he was worth it.

And as long as it made him happy, that's all I cared about.

"What are you talking about, Jazz? You already know how I feel." I tried to fight back the traitorous tears I felt forming, using every ounce of strength I had to keep my voice steady. "I love you and Alice more than anything. I'm thrilled for you both. I couldn't be happier."

His arms squeezed around me tighter, and I knew I had picked the right words. It didn't matter that they were a total lie, and it didn't matter that my heart was breaking all over again.

_He was happy_.

All too soon, he pulled away and his grayish blue eyes softened at the tears on my cheeks that I hadn't even realized were there. Jasper lifted a hand to my face and used his thumb to brush them away, smiling at me like he always did. Like he did every day for eight years. His other hand caressed the heart-shaped lock and key pendant dangling around my neck. "That means everything to me. You're still my number one girl, you know that right?"

_Damn_. _Don't break down, Bella. Don't. Two minutes. Give yourself two minutes and you can cry all you want, but not now_. "You're still my number one guy, Jazz."

"I better be." He chuckled and brought his lips to my forehead, placing a chaste kiss where my brows were furrowed. "Love you, Jezebels. I'll see you again soon."

"Love you too, Jasper." _More than you can even imagine._ "Drive safe." I held myself together the best I could as we went our separate ways for the night, quickly wiping away any tears that managed to escape as I hopped into my car.

I never thought hearing Jasper say I love you would hurt me so much. He said it countless times over the years and I never realized until then... that he never meant it the same way I did.

Jasper loved me, of course. That much I was certain of. But the love he had for me and the love he had for Alice were two very different types of love. He loved Alice the way I loved him. For how long he felt the way towards her, I didn't even know. I wasn't ready to know. I didn't _want_ to know.

_Two weeks_.

I had two weeks of Bella time to lock all my feelings for Jasper into a box only I had the key to. Two weeks to perfect a believable smile, and two weeks to get used to feeling knives in my stomach every time I saw him kiss her the way I wanted him to kiss me.

I can do this. They're my best friends. They deserve everything I can do for them and more. _I can do this_.

My fingers ghosted over the necklace I had on and like a baby, I pressed my face into the steering wheel and sighed in utter heartache as more tears fell. I wish someone had told me falling in love would hurt so much.

Maybe I would've shied myself away from it if I had gotten a proper warning beforehand.

This love was physical and emotional pain all wrapped into the most hurtful thing I'd ever endured. At least with a broken leg, you slap a cast over it and give it a few weeks. Then you're fine again. No more pain, no more suffering.

How do you fix a broken heart? I can't open my chest up and put a Band-Aid there. There was no magical type of medicine I could swallow to soothe the searing ache that wouldn't dissipate. The only person capable of healing me was the one person who couldn't right now.

All I wanted was him. I had never wanted anything so much in my life.

And the one time I really, truly wanted something... _I couldn't have it_.

Worst of all, I couldn't even steer myself away to get over it all. I couldn't give myself a clean break from Jasper because he was my best friend and so was Alice. I can't let my heartbreak be the reason as to why I'd ever abandon the two of them.

It's not like I'd ever have the courage to abandon Jasper anyway.

_Coward_.

There was no easy way out with my situation. I fucked myself over, and now I've just got to hold my head high and deal with it.

A love story gone wrong.

Same old tale that everybody knows.

One heart holding on, the other letting go.

"_You're still my number one girl_."

And those words echoing in my head alone were enough to leave me sobbing in my car for what felt like an eternity.

_Two weeks_, Bella.

Get your shit together.

_You can do this_.

* * *

**  
End of Chapter Two**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Poor Bella. Don't get mad at her for crying, guys. It's hard for her. And, if it'll make things better, Edward makes his lovely self known next chapter, so yay! Can I get a Team Edward? TEAM EDWARD! :)

Now before I get shanked, it's not that I'm anti Team Jasper, it's just that I much rather prefer him with Alice. And! In his defense, he is not a jackass in this story. Just very, blind. More about their history will be revealed as the story progresses. You can't expect to figure it all out, people! Rome wasn't built in a day you know! ;)

So if you're liking this story as much as I am, let me know! Reviews? I'd love them, and love YOU if you left one! Thanks guys!

-_**BB**_


	3. Love Lockdown

**Author's Notes:** Yay for pushing past 100 reviews. I know it may be stupid to be so overjoyed by that amount, but you have to understand that every single review I receive is a shocker. I love you all for giving this story a shot and I love you all even more for proving you like it. Edward is finally introduced into the story. Let me get some hallelujahs! :) Lol!

As always, all the love in the world to **IcelandGirl812** for being all sorts of awesome and the definition of a wonderful friend. Like I continue to say, you're the best, Erica!

Another quick shout-out to the very talented Cherolyn (aka **iponeddyou**) for creating another lovely banner for this story. It's absolutely gorgeous and I can't thank you enough!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Twilight, but I'm more than sure you all knew that.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Three;**

**_Love Lockdown_  
**

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

Two weeks had passed, and I had to admit, I was pretty proud of myself. I gave myself pep talks in the mirror every day up until today and had gotten a bit better at masking my emotions whenever I saw Alice and Jasper together.

Which was, let's face it, all the time.

Except for now. Or well, they were in each other's company, but I at least didn't have to witness it. While a bunch of their acquaintances lingered around the Cullen's enormous house, Alice and Jasper decided they'd make a fashionably late appearance, which left her parents and I to handle everyone. It was a supposedly "small" gathering yet was really anything but. Anyone who didn't know Alice Cullen would have thought this was the biggest party of the year or something.

While shuffling in and out of different crowds like a good best friend of the bride-to-be is supposed to, I tried as best as I could to avoid any type of conversation that would lead into the heavy details of how, where, when, and why they were getting married.

People were really good at sneaking up on me though. I had to feed them all the answers they wanted to know. They met in college. They've been really good friends for four years. I honestly don't know how long they've been dating. June. He proposed on Christmas eve. Yes, the ring is gorgeous. No, I don't know where they're going for their honeymoon. Yes, it will probably be a big wedding. No, I don't think they're thinking about kids yet. No, I don't know if Alice is going to take his last name or hyphenate hers.

Fucking jeez!

For goodness sake, it seriously felt like everyone was working together to pummel down every wall I had struggled to build up, and I haven't even _seen_ Alice or Jasper yet. I'd be a pile of emotional mush by the time they stepped through the damned threshold if people kept asking questions like that.

Some people who knew I was the best friend would even pull me aside to tell me it was about time I get married myself since I wouldn't get to tag along anymore. Barricades are going down, and quick. Thanks, people.

Some didn't even _know_ it was an engagement party, and I was honestly thankful for those few because that at least spared me the heartache of having to tell them.

Alice was supposed to text me when she and Jasper were on their way, and since my phone hadn't received anything at all, I figured they'd probably still be a while.

If I had known I was going to be walking around and saying hello to everyone, I would have asked Alice to just let me wear a fancy pants suit or something. Instead, my body was trapped inside a tight fitted, red, sweetheart cut dress that ended just above my knees. The heels weren't helping much either, though I did have to thank Alice for allowing me to wear the two-inchers instead of the four.

Still no texts.

I groaned and moved from the spot that I was standing at to get some fresh air on their patio. I'm sure Carlisle and Esme would be fine for five minutes while I took a breather outside. I inhaled softly and tossed my brown, curled hair over my shoulder. I hated getting dressed up more than anything, but of course, this was a special occasion so I had no reason not to. Their engagement was going to be a short one so a party wasn't entirely necessary, especially after only three weeks of being engaged, but this was _Alice Cullen's_ wedding engagement. Of course she was going to go all out. It wouldn't be like her if she didn't.

The sun was setting, and the winter air had a bit of a nip to it, but I had to admit, it felt nice. I shivered slightly from the lack of having a jacket but brushed it off because I'd be back in the warmth of the Cullen household within a few minutes anyway.

"No freaking way!" I heard a big voice boom from the entryway as I turned hastily to see who it was.

Before I could smack whoever it was upside the head for startling me, muscular arms crushed me to an even more muscular chest, and I instantly knew who it was. I didn't need to see his face to confirm my suspicion; the body structure gave him away.

"Oh, god, Emmett, can't breathe!" I gasped, suddenly very paranoid that my already too-short dress had ridden up a little more as he held me above the ground.

"Jeez Bells, you look awesome! Has it really been that long?" Alice's big, tall, and bulky brother that stood a head taller than me was flashing the goofiest grin I'd ever seen, and I couldn't help but laugh. Like I said before, a teddy bear trapped in a muscle man's body.

"Thanksgiving last year. I think that's the last time I saw you." I laughed again as he pointed to his cheek, making it obvious he wanted his usual peck. He gave me that same goofy grin again when I finally kissed his stubbly cheek softly. "Jeez Emmett, heard of shaving?"

"I didn't have time." With a shrug, he grabbed two little fruit tarts a server was passing out. Like I said, this was Alice Cullen we were talking about. Of course she'd even hire servers for her engagement party. She made good money, her parents were wealthy, and not one of them were spoiled or conceited about it. In fact, they were some of the most humble people I knew. That was part of the reason why I loved the Cullens so much.

I looked down at the mini custard filled tart that was garnished with strawberries and kiwi. It was almost too pretty to eat.

"Jeez, I can't believe my baby sis is getting married. And to _Jasper_? Seriously I swear, Bells, I thought _you_ were gonna be the one marrying Jazz, not her."

The bite I had in my mouth slipped out and fell onto my overpriced dress, leaving one big lump of custard right where my stomach was. _Shit_. Alice was going to murder me in my sleep! "Why do you say that?"

Emmett guffawed at my accident but shrugged and popped his whole fruit tart in his mouth. "Don't know. I always kinda thought you looked at him all dreamy-like. Like you were secretly in love with him or something, you know?"

God, leave it to the gigantic one to figure my feelings out. How the hell could Emmett have seen that while Jasper didn't? "I'm going to clean myself up before your sister strangles me to death for staining this dress already. I'll see you soon, Emmett."

He waved me off as I went back inside the crowded house to clean myself up. There was no way in hell I was going to spill my guts to _Emmett Cullen_ of all people. Knowing him, he'd joke around about it with Alice and would guilt trip her into believing she _stole_ Jasper away from me. I couldn't have that. It wasn't even true in the slightest bit.

As I said before, if it was going to be anyone's fault, it would be mine for keeping quiet for so many years.

Once I got to a vacant bathroom, I put the seat down and sat on it, wiping at the parts of my dress where the custard had spilled. I groaned to myself and hoped I didn't have to take it in for dry cleaning, but by the look of it, I'm sure it was a definite possibility.

_Damn_!

I was desperately hoping I'd be lucky enough to avoid Alice for the rest of the night because I really didn't want to get yelled at. Maybe she'd be too wrapped up in the atmosphere of "I'm getting married!" to notice my accident. Maybe. Hopefully.

Lucky her.

Angrily, I shook my head and tried to rid my brain of the constant bitterness I felt towards her. Alice did nothing wrong. She didn't even know how I felt because I never had the guts to tell anyone, so it wasn't as if she did it on purpose.

Horrible, Bella. _Horrible_.

_I know_, I agreed with my conscience. I took a quick breath in and then out, tossed the hand towel down in frustration, and walked out of the bathroom, hearing a bunch of commotion coming from the other side of the house.

Did Alice and Jasper already arrive?

I walked towards the location of where all the excitement seemed to be. Another guest had situated himself with everyone and before I could say hello, Alice had tackled all one hundred and eight pounds of herself into me.

I had another reason to envy Alice now. Sure, she and I had gone shopping for our dresses together, but I didn't know she could make something so... _different_ look so good. Her gown was strapless and ended mid-thigh. I would have thought that that dress meant hitting the clubs until the break of dawn instead of an engagement party. It was black and gold and on anyone else it would have looked horrible and flashy, but somehow she made it work. Alice could make _anything_ work, I swear.

I remember when I first met her in college. She had this straight, dark brown hair that she'd complain about every day. She always thought it was too plain and that it didn't suit her at all. So one day after class, she chopped it all off on her own. And I couldn't believe how... _good_ it looked on her. We, of course, went to the salon later just to even it out, and she was so much happier after.

Ever since then, she kept her hair that same way. Short, dark, and flipped out in many directions. Jasper always told her it looked better that way also. Could that have possibly been the reason why she kept it short? Maybe, maybe not. I was over thinking things when it absolutely wasn't necessary.

Either way, they both loved each other. And I loved them. Plain and simple.

And, damn it all to hell, if she wasn't such a wonderful person that I loved unconditionally, I wouldn't have felt bad about giving Jasper my letter. If he had chosen any other girl on the planet, I would not have given a shit. _At all._

But of course, Jasper had taste. And he picked the one person I'd never be able to upset for anything. I'd take a knife in the back for her any day. I loved her that much.

Or one in the heart, rather, since that makes more sense for my situation.

That's what makes this _so_ much harder. The fact that there really is absolutely _nothing_ I can do except sit back, watch, and smile like I've trained myself to do.

Smile, smile, smile. No tears. You're happy for them.

_Liar_.

"Bella, you look so good! I can't believe you went with my _whole_ outfit choice. I really thought you'd show up in some jeans and sneakers," she giggled and squeezed me a little tighter before letting go. "And did you do your makeup and hair all on your own?"

I laughed and tried to get her to settle down. "Well, Alice, you've taught me well. Aren't you proud?"

"Of course! I can't even believe how good you look! God, Jazz, come here a sec. Come see how amazing of a job your Jezebels was able to do without me!"

_His_ Jezebels. Yeah, I wish.

She reached out for his hand as I took in a breath and put up all the barricades and walls I had been working to build. I told myself to forget all the questions people had asked earlier and made sure I focused all my energy on now. _You can do this, Bella.  
_  
Jasper put his hand in Alice's, lacing their fingers together and stared at me, eyes widened and jaw dropped. "Holy... _Wow_, Jezebels. You seriously... Wow. You look amazing. Much lovelier than even prom, I have to admit."

I laughed and rolled my eyes at his choice of words, the memory of Jasper and I going to our senior prom together flashing through my memory. We were the dorkiest couple there, all awkward with our attempt at dancing and not knowing where to put our hands and whatnot. My dad was surprised to see us playing a game of monopoly when he came home from the station since we had decided prom wasn't really our thing.

And just for the hell of it, we both had our first kisses together that night because we had nothing else better to do. Yeah, we were seventeen and late bloomers, but who really cared? I sure as hell didn't.

That was just the way it was for him and me. I was the girl who wasn't afraid to tease him whenever he got a zit. The girl who told him he had food in his braces whenever we were done eating. The girl who knew he screamed like a bitch while watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre at his place. He freaked out since Texas is his hometown and like the best friend I was, I laughed. No comfort, just all out teasing and he still loved me no matter what.

Jasper would always be a dork in my eyes. To me, he'd always be the guy who enjoyed collecting pogs when they were "in" and loved slap-bracelets like they were the greatest invention anyone had ever come up with. He was a geeky guy, but he was _my_ guy. That's what I liked to call him at least.

And age did him well and as the years passed, his looks just got better and better. After he got his braces off and grew into his face a little more, he was absolutely stunning. I saw the looks he received whenever he and I walked down the campus of Seattle University together. They always thought I was his girlfriend.

And oh how badly I wish I were.

Then, Alice came along. After that, people no longer thought Jasper was my boyfriend. They just thought he was the guy who had lots of friends who were girls, but never girlfriends. I even overheard someone saying once that Jasper was too good looking to be straight anyway. Idiots. All of them.

I hadn't even noticed that during my trip down memory lane, Alice had dragged me to the dining room where her parents were talking to someone I had never seen before. I had been bustling around the house for hours and hadn't even said hello to them yet. What the hell was wrong with me? Noticing my presence, they smiled at me and gave me a warming embrace I hadn't felt since Thanksgiving.

Another reason I loved Alice so much was because her family was absolutely wonderful. They were seriously some of the nicest people you'd ever meet.

"How lovely to see you again, Bella!" Her mother, Esme, cradled my face in her hands and kissed the top of my head in a very mother-like gesture. "You look beautiful, by the way."

"Thank you, Esme. It's all thanks to Alice's teachings though." I smiled back, a little embarrassed at all the compliments I was receiving on the dress. The attention was supposed to be focused towards the to-be married couple, not me.

A strong hand gripped both my shoulders and I was suddenly smiling up at Alice's father, Carlisle. "Where were you New Years, Bella? We missed you." He chuckled heartily.

"Sorry, Dr. Cullen. I ended up bringing in the New Year with some new friends instead." Yeah, ice cream, tissues, and a freaking notebook. _Fun_.

"None of that. You make me feel old. It's Carlisle, alright?"

"Okay, Carlisle, sorry about that."

All of us laughed at that as Alice spun the other guy in the room around to face me. He didn't look familiar at all, but I had a very good guess as to who it was. Good genes had to run in Alice's family because this guy was the serious definition of drop dead gorgeous. He wasn't dressed in anything too fancy, just regular, black slacks and a gray, button down dress shirt. His brownish, bronze hair that resembled Esme's was in a casual disarray all over the place like he had just stuck his head out of a car going 90 miles per hour. Surprisingly, it just made him look even better.

His skin was pale but not in a sickly way - more like in a porcelain type of way which brought out his eyes even more. _God_, his eyes. They were the loveliest set of forest-kissed, green eyes I had ever seen. It made me wonder where he got them from since Esme's eyes were brown and Carlisle's were blue.

"Bella," Alice smirked, having caught me staring seconds ago. _Crap_. "This is my brother, Edward. He's the one who's going to be Jasper's best man." She shoved her elbow into his side as he flashed the cutest crooked grin at me. Add ten more points onto his scale of hotness, please. "Edward, this is Isabella Swan. But, call her Bella. Best man, meet the maid of honor."

"Nice to finally meet you, Bella. I've heard quite a bit about you."

His voice, velvety and smooth, was even lovelier along with his image. He held out a hand to me, and I willingly put mine in his. What I wasn't expecting was for him to flip it ever so slightly to bring it to his lips, caressing the top of my hand with a gentle kiss.

My breath caught in my throat.

"Jesus Christ, Edward!" Alice and Emmett boomed at the same time, laughing insanely shortly afterwards. I let out the breath I was holding and watched them laugh as they slapped their knees and jabbed at Edward playfully.

"What?" he asked innocently, shrugging like he had done nothing wrong. Really, he _didn't_ do anything wrong at all. Not in my opinion at least, but from a third-person's point of view, I guess it could be seen as a tad bit old fashioned. Like I cared.

"Sorry, Bella, sometimes I think Edward here was born into the wrong century," Alice giggled, ignoring the scowl Edward directed towards her.

"Be nice, Alice." Esme went mama bear status and wrapped her arms around her son's torso lovingly. "Chivalry is nice when coming from a gentleman, don't you think?"

Emmett guffawed at that. "Mom, no one does stuff like that anymore. Really! Have you seen anyone my age do that? Have you?"

"Did you guys ever stop to think that perhaps his being polite is the reason why he's never able to keep the girls off him?" Carlisle chuckled, giving Edward a fatherly pat on the back.

All of the Cullens joined in with the discussion of chivalry and since Jasper really had no choice, he threw his opinions in too. Edward excused himself from the room, and for a reason unbeknownst to even myself, I followed.

I didn't know people would flock to me the second I seemed to have time to chitchat. I lost sight of Edward's destination and with a heavy sigh, I fed everyone more of the answers I knew they wanted to hear. Yes, no. Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. It was beginning to get quite annoying actually. And after what felt like forever, I finally managed to escape and decided it was time for another breather. At parties like these, the patio was my sanctuary.

My hair bounced on my shoulders as I stepped outside, my eyes widening slightly at the sight of Edward himself standing there with two glasses of champagne. He didn't seem to realize he had company until I took a step closer. The click of my heels gave me away as he turned to me, using that same half smile from earlier.

"Were you expecting company?" I questioned, eyeing the extra glass.

"Yes, actually," he replied, holding the glass out to me, "and she's here now. Champagne?" A single strawberry was at the bottom of the glass, illuminating the drink with a pink haze.

Gladly, I took the glass and gave him a shy smile as my form of a thank you. He was expecting _me_? Of all the people gathered inside, me, Isabella Swan?

_Yay_.

A little part of me began to celebrate as I stared at the bubbles within my cup to distract my eyes from his striking, green ones. I had to admit, I felt quite... _awkward_ with the way I was ogling my best friend's brother, but it couldn't be helped. He was so undeniably easy on the eyes.

And yet, regardless of how attractive Edward Cullen was, he was still...

...no Jasper.

I cursed myself for allowing my mind to wander back to my blind best friend who had been oblivious to my emotions all these years. Surely he had to have some kind of a hint that I was utterly in love with him, right? Emmett did. Why not Jasper as well? Nervously, I took a sip and tried to think of how to converse with the handsome man beside me without totally embarrassing myself.

"So," I began, "how was the move from Chicago?"

Edward ran his hand through his disheveled hair and leaned back into the patio seat to make himself comfortable. "The drive here was so long. It probably would have been more enjoyable if I'd had company, but it was just me and the Volvo."

I cringed at the thought of driving all the way from Chicago to Seattle. He had probably made many pit stops, of course, but still. Just the idea of being on the road for that long by your lonesome didn't sound very fun at all. "So, where's all your stuff? Getting it shipped here?"

He nodded and swished the champagne in his glass. "Yeah. I didn't want to drive a U-Haul, so I just paid the extra to get it sent over."

"I see," I mused quietly, taking in his appearance. His eyes were still a surprise to me, and I made a note to ask him about them later. "Are you enjoying Seattle so far?"

"It's... different. But it's nice to be back around my family. It feels like it's been much too long since I've spent any sort of time with them. I mean, I come back to Seattle for the first time in years and my sister is engaged. It'll take me a while, but I'm sure I can adjust."

I nodded my understanding and rested my chin in my palm, suddenly very interested in getting to know more about him. "The time difference getting to you?"

"Not at all. It's only two hours anyway." His gaze wandered off and met mine as I instantly blushed and turned away, embarrassed that he caught me. "I'm sure I'll be taking a huge liking to this city if there are women like you wandering about, Bella."

The look in his eyes as he said that was enough to make it feel as if my face had been set on fire. If I weren't so utterly in love with Jasper, I definitely would have taken the opportunity to show him around Seattle and attempt to be a little flirtatious vixen. _Attempt_ being the keyword. I'd probably fall flat on my face while trying to do so. Gosh, how very sexy, Bella.

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be happening because I was a little too not over Jasper.

I involuntarily shivered at the nip the air still held and rubbed my arms to try and create some warmth for myself. Edward must have seen me doing so since he stood up and offered his hand out to me.

"Do you want to go inside?"

I nodded and took his hand with my glass in the other as he pulled me to my feet. He released it as soon as I was standing, to which I internally pouted. What girl wouldn't want a hot guy holding their hand? We went back inside the crowded house and heard the hoots and hollers of many of the guests. I raised a brow and wondered what all the commotion could be about, peeking my head into the living room since that's where it was coming from.

My stomach dropped when I saw Alice on Jasper's lap, happily showing off her engagement ring to a lot of our old friends from college and some family members I hadn't met yet. But it wasn't the bliss in Alice's face or her excited giggles that made me feel like my heart had been ripped out, it was the look on Jasper's as he held her close.

It was a look I had never seen before in all my eight years of knowing him. The twinkle in his eye, the curve of his smile... The way he'd lean in to kiss her cheek or neck as she continued talking. The way his hand squeezed her thigh every so often to let her know how happy he was. I realized it then more than ever that... _Jasper was in love with Alice_. Of course, he _had_ to have been in love if he proposed. But looking at him and getting my solid, physical proof that she was his one and only was like getting smacked with a ton of bricks.

_Oh, god_.

This was the real deal. Alice and Jasper, until death do they part. I had tried to avoid it, tried to live in my own alternate reality where this was all some kind of a sick nightmare I'd wake up from. But it wasn't. They were going to get married whether I liked it or not. I felt every single wall I had worked for two weeks to build come crashing down with every second that passed.

"Bella, are you okay?" Edward asked, steadying me by holding my elbow firmly.

Another glimpse over at them was my undoing. I felt the tears I was holding back pushing their way through, felt the pain I made myself ignore clawing its way through my stomach. It was unbearable, excruciating pain, and I had to get out of there as soon as I possibly could.

With a quick apology to Edward, I dashed out the room and exited the house as fast as my high heels would allow. Who the hell was I to think I could make it through their engagement party all smiles? Who was I to think I could make it through _anything_ that involved seeing the two of them together?

I'm so weak. Why can't I do this? Why am I not strong enough?

I threw open the door of my car and tried to calm my heavy breathing. The tears were rolling by the time I had gotten my seat belt on, and I knew I was stupid for trying to make my getaway in the state I was in. My vision was blurred, my heart was hurting, and I thought for some fucking reason that I'd be able to take myself home. _Stupid_.

I was still in my spot across the street from the Cullen household, but I didn't care. I just needed to be alone. As I placed my hands over my face, a knock came on my window, and I jumped slightly.

It was Edward.

Great! I get the hottest Cullen boy alone, and I'm bawling my eyes out. Greeeaaat.

He knocked again, and I had no other choice but to roll down the window. I must have looked like a raccoon with my smudged eyeliner and runny mascara. I knew I should have gotten waterproof.

"Shit, Bella, what's the matter?" Edward asked as he took in my appearance. He dug around in his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, nudging my arm with it. "What happened?"

"Why did you follow me?" I asked hoarsely, pulling down the visor so I could fix my makeup.

He shook his head and went over to the other side of the car, pulling the passenger door open to take a seat right next to me. Ignoring my baffled look, he shut the door and took the key from my ignition to prevent me from leaving. "I asked you first. What happened?"

There was no way I could explain to him that I was madly in love with his sister's fiancé. Nobody knew or even had the slightest clue that I felt the way I did. Except maybe Emmett, which still shocked the hell out of me. But I'll be damned if I was going to tell this guy I didn't know at all my deepest and darkest secret. It doesn't matter that he's absolutely gorgeous.

Good looks don't buy you secrets.

I snatched my keys from his hand and placed them on my lap. "Edward, I appreciate you trying to make sure I'm alright, but really, I'm fine. I just need some time to myself to take it all in."

His brow arched at my answer as he stared at me in disbelief. "Take it all in? What do you mean?" He was quiet for a second before his eyes widened. "Wait a second... Are you in love with Jasper or something?"

I felt myself stiffen but maintained my composure as I wiped the eyeliner that had smudged. "What the hell? He's my _best friend_, Edward."

He wasn't buying it. "Okay, yeah. I know that. You still didn't answer the question."

"Why do you care?" I asked, shuffling through my purse for my mascara. If I was going to go back inside, I at least needed to look presentable.

"Because you were crying. Of course I'm going to be concerned. What do you think I am, Bella, heartless?" He tugged on my elbow again and looked into my still red and puffy eyes. "You can't blame me for being worried. We're going to have to get to know each other one way or another. Your best friend is going to be my brother-in-law, remember?"

_Of course I remember_, I thought sadly. I looked in the small mirror to make sure my makeup was fine and pushed the visor back up after. Edward's worry-filled, green eyes eased the pain in my stomach slightly. At least someone cared. Maybe if Edward and I got close enough in the six-month period prior to the wedding, I'd be able to tell him what I couldn't tell anyone else. I had to admit, it was nice to think I might be able to talk to someone about it.

But, now was not the time for the attention to be on me. Edward didn't drive from Chicago to listen to my sob story about unrequited love. He came to watch his sister get married, to stand at the altar as her husband-to-be's best man.

I would not ruin that for Alice or for Jasper.

"Edward, thank you for coming after me. Thank you for your concern. But really, I just get emotional sometimes thinking of them getting married. I've known them for years. I'm so happy for them, and you just have to understand that the thought of them embarking on a new life together is a bit much." I smiled at him, hoping he bought the lie I was throwing out. "I'm fine now, though. You want to go back in?"

His eyes scanned mine again for some sort of sign of deceit, but I masked myself well. "Fine." He sighed in defeat and opened the car door to walk around to my side. He opened mine as well, and I thanked him quietly, pressing the button on the tiny remote fastened to my keys to lock the car. We walked in silence back into the house and like I'd hoped, everything was the same.

No one noticed my quick disappearance, and the attention was still focused on Jasper and Alice like I was praying for.

"Let's get a drink," Edward suggested with a crooked grin, placing his hand on the small of my back to lead me to the fully stocked fridge. I was glad he finally let the whole crying situation go. As we passed the living room, Alice smiled and waved at me from Jasper's lap, looking happier than I'd ever seen her.

And I promised myself that very second that even if it took me up until right before they each said "I do", I would be happy for them. Someday, sometime, _eventually_, I would be happy for them. If I had to keep my love on super, ultra, mega lockdown, I'd do it. For Alice. For Jasper. For them. For my best friends.

Because they deserved it.

I hadn't even realized Edward had already poured us both drinks until he was nudging me with one. I had no clue what it was, but if I knew the Cullen men, I knew they could drink like there was no tomorrow. I had no doubt in my mind that whatever Edward poured me was bound to be strong.

"To new friends," he said, holding his cup up to mine.

With a smile, I mimicked his move. "To new friends, and," I nudged my head towards the living room where Alice and Jasper were still happily situated, most likely retelling the story of how their relationship came to be, "to Jasper and Alice."

I was about to take a sip before Edward spoke again.

"And to you, Bella," he held his cup to his lips, "in hopes that you'll learn that your best friends getting married is not the end of the world."

I couldn't help the quiet laugh that escaped me as I help the cup to my lips as well. "I'll drink to that."

* * *

**  
End of Chapter Three  


* * *

**

**Author's Notes:** Three cheers to Edward being such a sweetheart for following Bella! Oh, and MANY people have been asking about what's up with Alice and Jasper. Like, were they secretly dating, or did Jasper just pop the question in hopes of Alice saying yes? My only answer to that is, you will find out as the story progresses. Trust me, I have the whole back story of them planned out, but you'll just have to wait and see :)

Pictures of Alice and Bella's dresses are up on my profile if anybody cares to see! AND, I've created a brand new banner that I'm VERY proud of, so go check it out! Don't forget to check out the one the wonderful iponeddyou made for me as well!

Alrighty my lovelies, please review so I can know how you're liking this so far! Pleaseee?

-_**BB  
**_


	4. Lady in Red

**Author's Notes: **Thanks everyone for continuing to bear with me and for all the reviews! And, guess what? The wonderful **kuntrygal **was nice enough to create a thread over at the Twilighted forums for this story! The link is in my profile, so go ahead and head on over to chat it up with us! Thanks again, Karen! You rock!

As always, lots of Sexy, tattooed up Edward love to **IcelandGirl812** for being the best beta a person could ever ask for.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight, but I'm sure you all already figured that out.  
**  


* * *

  
**

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Four;**

_**Lady in Red**_

* * *

_**  
Edward Cullen**_

"Edward, dude, it's time to get up!"

Three loud bangs came from the other side of the door as I groaned and shut my eyes tighter in hopes of somehow blocking the horrid noise out. Maybe if I just willed myself to go back to sleep, he'd leave me alone...

"Seriously, would you get up?" Emmett's incredibly loud voice pierced through my ears and made my slight headache that much worse. "Mom made pancakes, and she's not letting us touch them until you come down!"

In an initial attempt to get him to leave me alone, I buried my face deeper into my soft pillow and tried to count sheep. One, two, three...

"Eddie!"

Fucking _jeez_. He just _had_ to use the one nickname I couldn't ever stand, the one he knew could drive me absolutely insane.

"EDDIE."

"Alright, Emmett, damn!" I snarled, hurling my pillow at the door so he'd understand I was getting up. It was one hell of an annoying way to wake up, but a small part of me was glad. I didn't have any family in Chicago and didn't really have time to have any close friends, unless you counted coworkers I had lunch with occasionally as some. Work forced me to throw myself into the adult atmosphere Carlisle and Esme had always warned me about.

One of the things I disliked most about Chicago were my uninterrupted mornings. It was nice to be able to get up without a wake-up call, but I'll admit, it was always quite... lonely for me to awake beside nothing but myself and the pillow I had slept with. Granted, there were times I'd wake up with someone next to me, but it was never a long lasting thing. They'd be gone within the first five minutes of waking up, and it just turned into something I had to learn to get used to.

Even when I would stumble into someone I was clearly interested in, it was obvious - girls didn't want me for my heart. They wanted me for my money, my "godly sex hair", and my pricey apartment I had handed over five month's worth of salary for. After dealing with women like that for years, I eventually stopped caring. That was not the life I wanted to live anymore. I didn't want to be _that_ Edward Cullen any longer, so when the opportunity arose for me to move back to Seattle, I took it in a heartbeat.

Following a quick rub to my eyes to rid myself of any bits of sleep, I stretched my arms out and yawned lazily. It had been such a long time since I had slept in this very room underneath this very roof that it still took some getting used to. For the first time in such a long time, our family was finally all back in the same house together. After Alice and Jasper's engagement party, we thought it'd only be right to spend some quality family time together and all got to sleep in the rooms and beds we grew up in.

I couldn't believe how untouched my room was. Everything was left just the way it was when I moved out after high school. My bed was made, my awards still hung everywhere, and my old pictures remained where they were. Mom and Dad told us they wanted to preserve every part of us they had and that was their reasoning for never tossing our left behind articles strewn about.

My head throbbed slightly as I tried to replay the previous night through my head. I had been on the road for much longer than I'd wanted to be, I finally got to see my family after years, and I met one hell of a gorgeous brunette courtesy of Alice.

Bella Swan, one damned sexy lady in red.

I'd seen pictures of her, Alice, and Jasper before. Everyone sent me pictures whenever they could to let me know I was being thought of, regardless of being thousands of miles away. I always thought she was an attractive woman whenever she showed up in the many photographs Alice sent my way, but never really thought of the possibility that she could be even more stunning in person. So when I was introduced to her, I was blown away.

Alice always spoke highly of Bella, and now I knew for myself exactly why. She was funny, smart, and big-hearted. Absolutely nothing like the girls back in Chicago, that's for sure. But, there was something about her... Deep inside where no one could see or even understand, something seemed to be wrong.

Because in my opinion, you don't run out of a party like that without having some sort of good reasoning behind it. "My mother's in the hospital" or "my best friend just got into an accident" would be understandable ones. For some reason, her whole "The thought of them embarking on a new life together is a bit much" thing wasn't reaching me.

I was curious to know the real reason, but wasn't willing to pry into her private life when I had just met her. If I came off as an ass, I'd ruin any sort of chance I might have with her before anything even started. Though a chance might even be too farfetched to hope for since she had this expensive looking heart pendant dangling around her neck. I'd seen those "key to my heart" necklaces before. Bella's heart was in another place. Those pendants were no joke, so I guessed she was harboring strong emotions towards some guy.

Some lucky fucking guy.

I exited my room in my trusty pair of sweatpants and a regular, black shirt, kissing my mother on the cheek before taking a seat at the table. The house was clean once again since all of us pitched in a hand to help after everyone left.

"Finally, Sleeping Beauty." Emmett sighed, grabbing about six pancakes with his fork. He was still like a garbage disposal when it came to food. Same old Emmett. "So, how's your head, man? You had some Jager yesterday, didn't you?"

"Yeah, and was it just me, or did I see you taking shots with a certain maid of honor of mine, hm?" Alice winked and took her share of the pancakes, staring at me the whole time to gauge my reaction.

"Ah, is our old-fashioned Edward trying to woo Ms. Isabella Swan?" Emmett waggled his eyebrows at me and made our parents stifle back a laugh.

I chose to ignore his idiocy and with a shrug, I took two pancakes for myself and drizzled the maple syrup over them. "I figured we should get to know each other. Oh, and did she get home fine, by the way?" I didn't think my minimal headache could even count as a hangover since it didn't bother me at all. Bella and I had taken a few shots together while we watched servers run in and out of the kitchen. I never brought up her crying again because all I wanted was for her to enjoy the party. She did seem to ease up after a few shots but had to perform maid-of-honor duties shortly after. I didn't mind since I had all the time in the world to get to know her. She intrigued me in a way Chicago women never could. It was nice to see change for once.

"Jasper took her home, so I'm sure she's fine." Alice shoved a forkful of her pancake into her mouth and sighed in delight. "Oh, Mom. I've missed your cooking so much. Why did I move out again?"

"Because you were going off to college and wanted to be cool and live in a dorm," Esme replied with a laugh, taking a small sip from her coffee mug. "It really is so nice to have you all back again, though. And how are things looking with the new apartment, Edward?"

I wanted to groan in agony because I absolutely hated the idea of dealing with new land lords, handing over numerous amounts of money for the first month's rent, and the damned security deposit. If it didn't look absolutely pitiful and if I weren't so keen on the fact of living my own life, I would live underneath my parent's roof just to avoid all that. "When my stuff comes in, I'll settle into my new place. It's pretty nice for the price I'm getting it at, too."

"Well since your stuff probably won't arrive until sometime later today, how about you come with Jasper, Bella, and I to look at places for the wedding?" Alice suggested, taking a big gulp from her orange juice. "I need another guy's opinion. Please?"

The only reason I was considering it was because of the fact that Bella would be there. Maybe I could try getting to know her a little better since Alice and Jasper would probably be too occupied with the places we were going to be checking out. I turned towards Emmett, who was still shoveling down the pancakes like a monster. "You gonna come along, Em?"

He looked up at me from his syrup-laden plate and forced out a loud laugh. "You _kidding_ me? I'm just a groomsman. There's no way our baby sis would be able to drag me to help her out with the wedding. My only job is to look good at the altar and get Jasper shit faced at the reception."

"Emmett Dale! Watch your language at my table!" Esme hissed as he guffawed loudly, mouth still full.

I suppose being part of something like this had to come with some sort of obligation. I'd never been involved in a wedding before, so it was all new to me. I figured it probably couldn't be that bad if I would be in good company. I _did_ have to start on getting to know Jasper, since well, this was his wedding and I was his best man. Regardless of the choice being because of a coin flip, I was _still_ the best man nonetheless. I turned my eyes over to Alice's pleading brown ones and almost threw my head back in fits of laughter at how utterly desperate she looked for me to say yes. Would it really have been so terrible to only go with her two best friends? "Relax, sis. I'll come with you, don't worry."

If there weren't sticky plates and cups of juice and coffee everywhere that would ruin her expensive pajama set, I'm sure she would have thrown herself across the table to hug me. Instead, she ran around to my side and embraced me tightly along with a quick kiss on the cheek for agreeing to go along.

"I'm glad the coin was on your side, Edward," she whispered softly, tightening her hold.

"Let's not tell Emmett that, shall we?"

Her tinkling giggle was stifled as Emmett turned to us, angry because he had probably picked up on what we were saying.

"I heard that!"

* * *

In order to familiarize myself with the Seattle area again, Alice had me drive to Bella's where we'd be meeting up with her and Jasper. I actually already knew the area since her apartment complex was fairly close to mine. Alice and I waited patiently in my car, fiddling with our cell phones until we heard a car beside us make a sound that meant someone unlocked it. We both turned our heads in their direction and saw Bella and Jasper making their way to the black 2009 Hyundai Elantra SE I recognized from yesterday. Before I could even comprehend another thought, Alice began shoving me aside, making my face smash against my window.

"Alice! What the hell?"

"I want you to go ride with Bella. Get to know her a little better!" She smiled knowingly and unbuckled my seatbelt, pushing me harder into the window. "Don't think I missed you guys ogling each other last night, dear brother. Now's your chance!"

"Jesus, I just moved back yesterday. Don't you think that's a bit soon?" I grumbled, feeling completely awkward because of how smashed my cheeks felt.

"Oh, goodness, Edward, after your many suave encounters with five-minute women, you choose _now_ of all times to get all nervous? Do like Emmett said and woo her! You're more than capable of it!"

"Are you saying you want me to get into your best friend's _pants_, Alice?"

She slapped my forehead. "I'm saying I want you to get to _know_ her, Edward!"

I didn't want to press too much into the subject. All I really wanted was to not to feel like a ball of Play-doh. "Can you let go of my face?"

"Yes, I will. Jasper's a fabulous driver, by the way, and you already know all the destinations we're heading to anyway. So, get!"

I placed my hands on her arms and tried to pry them off my sore cheeks. "Let Jasper drive _my _baby? Are you kidding me?"

It looked as if she was ready to knee me in the groin when I said that, but thankfully, Bella and Jasper knocked on Alice's window, and she finally stopped. She pushed the small button and smiled gracefully as if she had done nothing wrong when the window was all the way down.

"Hey darling," Jasper laughed with a quick kiss, probably having caught a glimpse of our sibling banter. "Should Jezebels and I just meet you at the church? Or..."

"Nonsense, Jazz!" And like the sneaky little devil she was, she reached over and unlocked my door, shoving me out before I could even protest. "Edward is going to be riding with Bella. Do you mind driving his car?"

Jasper looked over at Bella, probably just as unaware of the announcement as I was. "You'll be riding with Edward?"

I caught her stealing a glance over at my manipulating sister, mouthing something I couldn't understand. "Um, yes. I guess... I am?"

"Oh. Alright." He chuckled softly and turned to me. "Trust me enough?"

Alice's brown eyes were alight with determination, and I knew there was absolutely no way I'd be able to argue with her. I begrudgingly let out a sigh and left the keys in the ignition.

"I'll be careful, Edward. Don't you worry."

I heard the southern part of him come through a bit as I gave him a thumbs up. He chuckled and pat my back reassuringly as I walked over to Bella's Elantra.

She laughed quietly and offered me the keys to her car, dangling them from her index finger as she smiled at me. "Would you like to drive?"

It was very nice of her to offer, but I shook my head politely and took my place in her car. My phone vibrated in my coat pocket as I took it out to read whatever it was I had just received.

_You'll thank me. In the meantime, I love you!_  
-Alice

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at my pixie-brained younger sister, repeating over and over in my head that this was _her_ wedding, and she deserved nothing but the very best.

_He nicks it even a little and I'll kick him where the sun don't shine. Love you too, by the way_.

I hit send once I finished my reply and tucked the phone back into my pocket. I had sat in this same spot not even twenty-four hours ago, but didn't notice the infamous "new car" smell lingering within the interior. It made me wonder if it was a recent purchase. "New car?"

She turned her key and followed Jasper and Alice out of the apartment lot. "Kind of. My dad, Alice, and Jasper all chipped in to get me this as a very belated 25th birthday present because my old car was, in their words, a heaping pile of disappointment."

I couldn't help but chuckle as I watched the buildings and scenery fly past her tinted windows. "It's nice."

"Yes, but I really do miss my truck," she sighed, putting her left turn signal on. "I'm guessing that's your Volvo?"

I was trying to avoid seeing my baby being driven by someone else and just nodded at her assumption. "Yeah, Jasper's driving it. I'm freaking out."

She let out a laugh and shook her head humorously, making her long brown hair cascade all over the place. "Don't worry about it, Edward. Jasper is a good driver. I'm sure everything is fine."

The conversation the rest of the way to our first destination was casual. She seemed in a much better mood than the previous night when she'd been crying and putting up walls to keep everyone out. I was sincerely hoping it really _was_ just her getting a little choked up over the wedding and not something much more drastic.

We pulled up at a huge church and saw Alice flitting inside hastily before Bella and I could even get our seatbelts off. Soon enough, we followed them into the church. It was a huge building with a high ceiling and plush, red carpeting. Luckily, there was no service going on, which gave Alice full permission to run around squealing like a little girl. She was such an energetic ball of designer brands that sometimes it was really hard for me to take in the fact that we were related by blood.

"Oh my gosh!" Alice clapped her hands together and did a little spin where the altar was. "It's beautiful! Isn't it beautiful, you guys?"

"We still have other locations to look at, darlin'. We also have to consider the price ranges, if they're open for reservations in June, and how many people will be able to fit," Jasper pointed out, admiring the stained glass windows all around us.

I took a glance over at Bella who had taken a seat at a pew in the middle of the enormous church. She looked so nonchalant about the location, her brown eyes filled with nothingness as she watched Alice and Jasper talk amongst themselves. Deciding to try and get into her head for just a bit, I sauntered over to the pew in front of the one she was seated at and sat down diagonally so I could face her. "Penny for your thoughts?"

She looked over to me and put on a fake smile. I knew it was fake. I worked in business long enough to know when people tried to block others out from getting into their heads. Secretaries, coworkers, assistants, all of them would use some kind of fakeness on me at one point or another, and now I just had a knack for discovering it.

Bella was definitely giving me a fake smile.

"She's so happy," she sighed, folding her hands in her lap. "I mean, look at her. Look at him. They're... perfect for each other."

Warning bells went off in my head after her sentence. Something about the way she said it, something about the way she looked as the words fell from her lips... was wrong. Something didn't seem to be right. If she was so happy for them like she said she was, then why did she look the total opposite?

Alice and Jasper came towards us at that moment, saying the church was a definite possibility but wanted to check everything else out first before making decisions to set a date in June. Alice grabbed Bella's hands in hers and squealed endlessly about how excited she was.

Her heartwarming smile I had seen in countless pictures wasn't the one on her face now. She was smiling, but it wasn't reaching her eyes. My previous suspicions were right; something was wrong. I wanted to ask but didn't think it would be good to out her in front of her two best friends.

Whatever it was she was keeping hidden away was meant to be hidden from them, otherwise she wouldn't have pretended to jump up and down with Alice and congratulate Jasper over and over. It was really beginning to get to me when we arrived at our second destination, the Fairmont Olympic Hotel. They wanted to explore their options and didn't want to be restricted to only picking a church. They had made an appointment to see one of the rooms where their wedding would take place. The woman explained that 100-200 chairs could be set up in their hall and how convenient it'd be because they would only have to go down a few rooms to get to the reception.

Bella walked around the large room and admired the ambiance of it. She smiled again, and this time it _did_ reach her eyes. She looked so much lovelier when she didn't force herself to hide behind a façade.

"I've always wanted to get married in a hotel like this." She ran her hand over the golden-painted railing and sighed dreamily.

"Oh, yeah?" I chuckled softly and eyed the chandeliers hanging above us. "Why don't you give the lucky guy some hints then?"

She turned to me and quirked a brow, looking sincerely confused by my words. "Lucky guy?"

I pointed to the heart and key hanging on the chain around her neck. "The guy who gave you that."

She blinked repeatedly and shook her head, turning away from me to admire the atmosphere of the room. "There is no lucky guy. Jasper gave this to me. He gave them to Alice and I on Christmas, to let us both know we'd always be the... um, only ones who'd have the key to his heart."

"He gave Alice one? Huh. I didn't see her wearing it," I mused, trying to think back to the previous night. All I remembered was one hell of an expensive looking diamond ring shining from her finger. No necklace. Not that I can recall.

Bella laughed softly and turned towards me, giving me yet another smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Well, why would she need to wear his diamond heart when she's already in possession of the real thing?"

Instantly, I felt terrible for bringing it up. I nodded just to let her know I understood her explanation and followed her out to another room where the reception was to be held. We listened to the woman give an explanation about the food the hotel would serve, how many people could be on the dance floor at one time, and various other things that dealt with the reception. Eventually, Alice and Jasper caved in and agreed to set their date for June 7th. They didn't bother to look at any more places after that and instead, we went our separate ways for the day.

Apparently, Alice's Porsche was low on gas, so she asked a little too nicely if it'd be okay if she and Jasper took the Volvo and because I had really had no other choice, I complied. Bella was fine with taking me back to my parents' place, so I waited patiently in the passenger seat as she said her goodbyes to my sister and Jasper. The three of them seemed to be in their own world as I tried to think of some way I could possibly get Bella's number. I figured I could easily get it from Alice, but then she'd have a reason to tease me relentlessly about how I was fawning over her best friend. Damn.

I bounced my knee up and down without realizing I was doing it and slammed it a little too hard into her glove compartment. It flew open and the contents of what were inside were easily visible. A sharpie, hand sanitizer, a map, a post-it pad, and a pair of sunglasses. The light bulb went off in my head, and I hastily grabbed the sharpie and a post-it. I was never one to leave my phone number for a girl, so this was pretty new to me. I started rushing when I saw her finally wave to them and put the note in a spot I knew she'd have to look at sooner or later.

The drive back was a little more awkward than our previous ones. I began to feel really bad for the whole necklace thing and wished I had just kept my mouth shut. When she pulled into the driveway of my parents' house, I wasn't sure what to do. Should I just hug her like friends would do? Would I even be considered her friend, or was I more of an acquaintance? I decided to just go with a friendly smile instead. "Thanks, Bella. Sorry that you had to tag along with me instead of Alice or Jasper."

"It's fine. It's something I have to get used to anyway. I can't exactly be around them 24/7 anymore, you know?" There was a hint of sadness in her voice again, and I couldn't help the part of me that wanted to just reach over and give her one hell of a hug. I decided against it and left her car without another word.

Once I was inside the house, I ran up the stairs to Emmett's old room and hoped he was in there. I was the only one who decided to attend college outside of Washington and since Emmett had been in Seattle longer, I figured he probably knew Bella a little better than I did.

I knocked on his door twice but was answered with nothing but silence. I knocked louder, and then twice more after that.

"Fucking _what_!" Emmett growled, throwing open his door with a little more force than necessary. If Emmett was allowed to give me a rude awakening, I should be able to do him the same favor. I plastered on a smile and pushed my way past him, making myself comfortable in the beanbag still situated in one corner of his room. Mom and Dad stayed true to their promise to leave our rooms alone. Emmett's looked exactly the way I remembered it back when we were still in high school.

Ignoring my presence completely, he flopped back down on his queen sized bed and grumbled something incoherent to me.

"So," I started, leaning into the beanbag, "how well do you know Bella?"

"God, Edward, is that what you woke me up for?!" he groaned. "For fuck's sake, you were hanging out with her today! I thought the whole point of that was to get to know each other better!"

"The whole point of today was to find a location for Alice and Jasper's wedding," I pointed out while reaching over to grab a Hacky Sack on the floor. "Now tell me, first of all, how long have you known her?"

He snorted and wrapped himself up into the blanket like an egg roll. "Hell, Edward. I don't know. Do you really have to get to know someone if all you want is their pants off?"

I groaned and slapped my hand over my eyes in irritation. "She's _not_ a five-minute Chicago girl to me, Em! Now, would you help me out?"

He heaved a sigh. "Four years, Edward. That's how long I've known Bells."

"You've known her as long as Alice has?"

"Well, her and Jasper would come to the family parties occasionally. Ali introduced us all to the two of them during Christmas time a few years back."

I nodded in thought and threw the Hacky Sack into the air. "So, did Bella ever bring a boyfriend to the parties?"

Emmett rolled over on his bed so his back was faced towards me. "Nah. I don't know if it was just me, but I swear the only reason Bells never had a boyfriend was because she only had eyes for Jasper."

"You think Bella is in love with Jasper?"

He shrugged his big shoulders lazily and yawned. "Like I said, I don't know if it was just me, but she'd always look at him like... I don't know. This is coming from a guy who's never been in a serious relationship, so don't take my word for it. I'm just guessing."

I raised a brow at my brother's words, contemplating them thoroughly as I ran some of Bella's words from the previous day through my head.  
_  
"I just need some time to myself to take it all in."  
_  
My brows creased in thought, trying to figure this crazy and jumbled puzzle out.

_"I mean, look at her. Look at him. They're... perfect for each other."_

Before another thought could pass through my head, my phone began ringing and flashed a number I didn't recognize. Emmett groaned and told me to get out so he could get some rest. I closed the door behind me and held the phone up to my ear. "Hello?"

"Leaving your number on a post-it on my visor?" A laugh sounded throughout the earpiece as I crookedly smiled to myself and headed to my room. "Very original, Edward."

"That was quick. Haven't you ever heard of the two day rule?" I joked.

"Two day rule? Care to clarify?"

"When you get a number, you're supposed to wait two days before calling them to avoid looking desperate."

"_Desperate_, huh?" she laughed again. "Actually, Edward, for your information, I was just calling to let you know you forgot your iPod in my car."

Crap. I hadn't even realized it was missing from my pocket. I brought it thinking I'd be bored out of my mind looking at wedding chapels and reception locations.

"But because I don't want to look desperate, I guess I should just wait two days before giving it back to you?"

Oh, perfect. "How about you wait to give it to me until we have lunch together sometime this week?" I ran my hand through my hair and walked down the stairs, waiting for her answer.

"Are you asking me out, Mr. Cullen?" she questioned, sounding like she was challenging me.

"I believe I am, Ms. Swan." I went into the kitchen and was surprised to see Alice and Jasper at the counter, snacking on leftover fruit tarts from the day before. "Just for lunch, though."

She laughed. "Well then, _just for lunch_ it is."

"When and where?"

"Surprise me," she said. "Goodbye, Edward."

I smiled. "Goodbye, Bella."

Alice and Jasper turned to me once I hung up the phone with a huge, stupid grin on my face. I almost wanted to do a little, triumphant dance because I had just gotten her to agree to go to lunch with me. It wasn't much, but it was a start.

"Are you and Bella going out on a date?" Alice squealed, bouncing up and down from where she was standing.

"No, we're just going to meet for lunch. She has to give me my iPod I left in her car."

"He _wishes_ it was a date," Emmett's lazy voice came from the stairwell. He walked past us and went straight to the refrigerator, opening up a carton of milk. "He came into my room right after Bells left to ask how well I knew her and stuff."

I didn't think Alice could get any bubblier, but she did at that very second. "Oh my god, Edward! You and Bella together? That's perfect!"

She was getting a little ahead of herself since it was _just_ lunch to pick up my iPod, but I didn't have the heart to rub that in her face. I grabbed a fruit tart from the tray in front of Jasper, wondering why he was the only one silent about me being highly interested in his best friend.

"You okay there, big man?" I laughed jokingly and popped the mini pastry into my mouth.

He looked up at me and chuckled with a shake of his head. "You and Jezebels, huh? I never would have thought..."

"It's only lunch. I think Alice is over-thinking things, as usual."

He shrugged and grabbed another fruit tart. "I don' t know. I just don't want her to get hurt. I don't want my best friend falling for you if it's only going to leave her heartbroken because you're a five-minute-woman type of guy from Chicago."

My eyes widened at his confession, suddenly wondering whether or not it was such a good idea that I be the best man anymore. Had Alice told him about my life back in Chicago? Or, even worse, was he planning on telling Bella? "Jasper, part of the reason I came back here first chance I got was to get away from that lifestyle. It just wasn't me anymore."

Jasper nodded and smiled at me. "Alright. I trust you. You're my best man, after all, right?"

"Right." The tension between the two of us was unknown to both Alice and Emmett as they fought over how many germs he was putting into the milk by drinking it straight from the carton.

"You car drives smooth," he noted, shoving his hands into his pockets when he stood up. "Where's Alice's room? I'm just going to take a nap."

"First door on the right of the second floor," I replied, watching as he left the kitchen and disappeared up the stairs.

I wasn't sure if Jasper was just being protective of Bella, or if he really didn't like me. He seemed like a nice enough guy before me being interested in her was brought up. Maybe it was the fact that he had pretty much been the most important man in her life for eight years and wasn't used to another guy trying to fit himself in the picture? I wouldn't know. I really had no idea. But it wasn't going to stop me. Not in the slightest bit.

* * *

**End of Chapter Four  


* * *

  
**

**Author's Notes:** So, because I know people will ask… "What's a five-minute woman?", I'll answer. It's a term my brother and his friends use. A five-minute woman is a girl you talk to for five minutes tops before she wants to go somewhere "private" and leaves five minutes after she gets what she wants. No names and numbers are exchanged. So, yes, Edward has a bit of a... bad boy history from Chicago. Has he changed? I guess you'll just have to wait and see. :)

Pictures of the church, the hotel, and Bella's car are up on my profile for those of you who enjoy visuals! This chapter was a little less angst-filled, but it'll all be back next chapter with BPOV taking over once again. And yes, some Jasper/Edward rivalry will be taking place. Ooooh!

Don't forget to check out the thread on the Twilighted forum! Again, my many thanks to **kuntrygal** for creating it! The link is on my profile.

Reviews would be quite lovely :)

-_**BB**_


	5. All the Small Things

**Author's Notes:** I hate being sick. Even if it is just a common cold. The weather keeps changing and it's messing with my system! GAH! Thank you everyone for 200 reviews. I'm stoked that you're all giving this a chance! Don't forget to check out the thread and ask questions. The link is on my profile.

**IcelandGirl812** is greater than freaking ice cream sundaes. Seriously. I love the girl to bits and pieces and you should thank her because she's the reason you are all reading this now :) Sadly, I can't type hearts because FF will get rid of them but if I could, I'd type out more than a few. Another quick shout to **iponeddyou **(aka Mrs. A Little Less Than Before, LOL) for supporting me and my writing so much. I love you both!

**Disclaimer:** Hmm... Nope, still don't own it.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Five;**

_**All the Small Things**_

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

I sighed heavily once Edward shut the car door behind himself. Without a second to spare, I peeled out of the parking lot and tried to keep myself together. I would never be able to get over Jasper if I kept crying every single freaking time I saw him and Alice together. So for once, I sucked it up, pushed the emotions into the back of my head, and focused solely on the road ahead of me.

I won't lie, it was hard. My insides were begging me to pull over and shed a tear or two to avoid keeping it pent up inside. That stupid ripping, clawing, horrid pain was back and the only thing that ever seemed to ease it even slightly was holding myself as I let all of those emotions get the better of me. Slowly, the reality of their marriage was becoming clearer. Every kiss was one step closer to forever. Every passing day made the "I do" more reachable.

A heavy sigh escaped my body as I stopped at the red light and sucked in a deep breath. _Hold it together, Bella.  
_  
Secretly, I was sort of hoping Alice and Jasper would pick the church because I had always fancied the idea of getting married in a lavish hotel like the Fairmont Olympic. But of course, Alice and I must have had more in common than I thought because she picked that as her wedding location. She was absolutely ecstatic when they told her they had a Saturday open in June. I couldn't help but smile at her regardless of how heartbreaking it was for me.

Then it hit me - she booked my desired location and had the man I've loved for eight years. Alice was going to live out _my_ dream wedding. Mine. A wedding is one of the most important events in a woman's life. So, of course I was happy for her. Honestly, utterly happy because if it was what she wanted, she deserved it. More than anything and more than any other person, _she_ deserved it.

I choked back a sob and screamed aloud in frustration.

No. No, no, _NO_. I shook my head and gripped the steering wheel harder. Tears were _not _going to make Jasper love me the way I wanted him to. Feeling sorry for myself wouldn't change the fact that they were going to get married in a few months. So I needed to stop running to that as my solution because it definitely wasn't solving anything at all.

I was so mad at myself for almost resorting to tears _again_ as I pulled into the lot of my apartment complex. With a huff, I pulled down my visor to try and fix any bits of my makeup I had smudged and was surprised when a yellow post-it was staring back at me.

"Edward Cullen" and a number. "Edward Cullen". Number.

My eyes widened in realization as I peeled it off the visor mirror, unable to fight back the enormous smile that formed on my face. I was feeling so down not even five seconds ago, and because of a small piece of yellow paper stuck to my mirror, I was all smiles. He sure knew how to make a girl blush. Once I reached over to unbuckle my seatbelt, I saw a green iPod left behind on the passenger seat. It wasn't mine and the only other person who had been in my car was Edward.

And if music was as important to him as it was to me, I'm more than sure he'd be wondering where in the hell he had left it. I punched in the numbers of the post-it and hesitated with pushing the call button. I could've easily dropped it off or given it to Alice to avoid calling him so quick, but...

He left me his number.

That had to mean _something_, right?

I unlocked my door and slapped the sticky side of the post-it onto the bulletin board that hung on my wall. Once I finally had the nerve to actually hit the call button, I held my breath and actually hoped he wouldn't pick up.

"Hello?"

Play it cool, Bella! Laugh, or crack a joke or... something. "Leaving your number on a post-it on my visor?" I asked humorously. "Very original, Edward."

"That was quick. Haven't you ever heard of the two day rule?"

"Two day rule?" I raised a brow. "Care to clarify?"

"When you get a number, you're supposed to wait two days before calling them to avoid looking desperate."

"_Desperate_, huh?" I laughed again. "Actually, Edward, for your information, I was just calling to let you know you forgot your iPod in my car."

He was silent as I inwardly cursed myself. I am a _total_ idiot.

I added, "But because I don't want to look desperate, I guess I should just wait two days before giving it back to you?"

"How about you wait to give it to me until we have lunch together sometime this week?"

My eyes widened at his words, almost tripping over my own feet as I steadied myself with a hand to the wall. "Are you asking me out, Mr. Cullen?" I cringed at my horrid attempt at flirting. Why did I care to challenge him? He was hot, single, and was asking _me_ of all people out. Stupid, Bella!

"I believe I am, Ms. Swan," Edward replied with a chuckle. "Just for lunch, though."

My eyes drifted over to the bulletin board that was plastered with pictures of Alice, Jasper, and me together. We were all so happy and so content with the way things were before the proposal came along. But, everything would be changing within a matter of months, and it was something I needed to start getting used to. I would never accomplish anything if I didn't at least try. Even if I was absolutely horrible at flirting and making my attraction towards someone known, I _had_ to try. "Well then, _just for lunch_ it is."

"When and where?"

I had to think about it for a second. I couldn't pick one of the usual restaurants Jasper and I ate at because then I'd only be thinking of him. After racking my brain for a place, I gave up. Almost every place in Seattle reminded me of Jasper. There was no use in me picking the place. "Surprise me," I said with a sad smile. "Goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Bella."

I sighed after I hung up the phone, knowing this lunch with Edward was my first step in a very long journey ahead of me. It would not be a date, that much I was sure of. But, it was a small stride in the right direction for me.

_You can do this_.

Not even five minutes after Edward and I hung up, my phone started ringing and let me know it was Jasper. I arched a brow and answered, "Hello?"

"Hey, Jezebels," Jasper greeted. "You home now?"

My heart swelled involuntarily at the sound of his southern voice as I plopped myself on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Stupid heart. "Yup. Are you and Alice back at her parents' place? I thought you guys wanted some alone time?"

"Nah, we changed our minds because we were craving some of those fruit tarts," he explained. "Oh and hey, are you busy later tonight?"

I quirked a brow. "Umm. Not sure yet. Why?"

"I was just wondering if I could swing by your place to hang out? We could put on a scary movie, share kettle corn? Just like high school."

I laughed and wondered what could have ever brought our adolescent years back into his head. Hadn't we both agreed those were years we'd rather not revisit? "Texas Chainsaw Massacre so you can scream like a girl again?"

"It was ONE time, Jezebels. Let it the fuck go," he chuckled loudly. "You supply the drinks, I'll get the corn?"

"Sounds good, Jazz. Should I pick up some diet for Alice?"

"I'm not sure yet if Alice is going," Jasper paused. "Unless... you want her to come along?"

What the...? I shook my head and put any irrational thoughts out of my head. It didn't mean anything, it didn't mean _anything_. "Um. Oh, no, I was just asking. If it will just be the two of us, that's...fine. But, if Alice wants to come along, that's fine, too."

"Alright then. I'll see you around eight?"

"Sounds great."

We hung up, and I couldn't understand how two good things could happen to me simultaneously. I wasn't going to question why he had the sudden urge to hang out with me one-on-one because it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Of course, I'd never do anything to try and sabotage what he and Alice had, I just really, really missed the "us" time. I couldn't even contain how excited I was to finally just spend some time with him and only him.

I still had about three hours until he'd show up, so I had to find some kind of a way to kill time until then. As much as I wanted to get all dressed up and do my makeup all nice like the previous day, he'd definitely notice and of course would probably ask. I mean, we were hanging out in my apartment to watch a scary movie and snack on kettle corn and cherry cola. That wasn't really an event you'd get all dolled up for.

Eager to make time pass quicker, I tidied up my apartment and washed all the dishes. After I finished cleaning, I was still left with an hour and a half, so I figured I might as well pick up the soda. A nearby grocery store was a convenient, ten minute walk from my apartment; I grabbed a pack of root beer and a pack of cherry cola and was on my way back in no time.

After a quick shower, I changed into some comfortable clothes and ran the towel through my hair briskly to get it to dry. A little bit of makeup couldn't hurt, right? I brushed on some mascara and practically sprinted to the door when I heard knocking.

I held my excitement together as I opened the door and saw my stud best friend, looking as handsome as ever even though he just had on a Seattle University Redhawks sweater and regular, loose-fitted jeans.

I couldn't help it. I lunged at him with a squeal as he chuckled and picked me up off the ground, gently swinging me side to side. "Damn Jezebels, you act like we haven't seen each other in months! You missed me that much in only a few hours?"

"Oh shut up, you pompous cowboy. Can't I be excited to see my best friend?" I laughed, smacking his arm lightly as he set me back down on my feet.

"I'm kidding, darlin'. I'm excited to see you, too." He bent down and pressed a chaste kiss onto my forehead before heading into the kitchen to microwave the kettle corn.

Jasper always kissed me in places that didn't mean anything more than "I love you as a friend". Kisses on the cheek, forehead, and the top of my head. A kiss that symbolizes friendship, a kiss that shows you care without coming on too strong, and a sweet kiss that was nurturing because he feels protective of me.

Yeah, I looked it up a while ago because I was curious to figure out whether or not there was ever something more there.

There never was.

Another knock came at my door, and I arched a brow, curious as to who that could have been. I didn't order in for delivery, so maybe it was one of my neighbors needing to borrow my phone because they locked themselves out? I walked over to the entrance of my apartment and opened it.

"Hi, Bella."

My heart sank at the sight of Alice at my door. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and pieces.

But, I was really hoping that for one night, Jasper and I could go back to the years when it was just the two of us. I wanted to have the me and him time we used to have all the time before June could drag him into an entirely different lifestyle. And even though I was hurting and wanted to rant and stomp, I sucked it up and invited her in with a genuine smile. I should have known Jasper would have asked her to come along. I shouldn't have even mentioned the diet cola thing.

But as much as I wanted to fault him for bringing her, I knew it wouldn't be fair. Jasper loved Alice and just wanted to be around her as often as possible. You can't help wanting to be with the people you love, right?

It was the exact way I felt towards him.

"Thanks for _waiting_, Jazz!" Alice huffed. "Ass."

"Not my fault that taking the stairs was faster!" Jasper laughed, emerging from the kitchen with cold sodas and a bowl of the kettle corn he had just microwaved. "You don't mind do you, Jezebels? I insisted she come because she would have been cooped up with her brothers if she had stayed."

"I tried to tell him I didn't mind sticking around at home. I mean, I didn't want to intrude on a high school tradition of yours, but he was really persistent." Alice shook her head and shoved him lightly. "He didn't give me much of a choice, so I brought chips and dip if that will make anything better?"

It wasn't her fault. I never suspected it was.

I took the items from her and placed them on the small coffee table in front of the sofa to give her just as big of a hug as I gave Jasper. She giggled her signature, tinkling laugh and hugged me back. "If this is your way of telling me you love me for getting your favorite, I love you too."

Jasper smiled at us and plopped himself down on the couch, shoving a handful of the just-made kettle corn into his mouth. "Now, my two favorite girls get to see me scream like a bitch."

"I can't wait," Alice laughed as she settled in next to him. They cuddled up against each other and where did that leave me?

Alone.

Like I always felt every time I was around them now.

_Alone_, because this was Jasper and Alice, plus Bella now.

"I'm going to get some pillows from my room," I informed them. "I'll be right back."

They nodded at me as I shut my bedroom door quietly behind me. _Fuck_. I ran my hand through the front of my hair and sighed quietly.

Damn it all, Jasper. I should have known this would be happen. It was a stupid thing to wish for, to think he missed the "us" time and all the small things about our past like I did. Fuck. _Fuck_!

"Jezebels, get in here! The movie's starting," Jasper called out from the living room.

Hell.

I grabbed the pillows and a blanket and shook my head because I could deny him nothing. I would do anything for him. Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Like being in a room with the man who is in love with your best friend while pretending it doesn't hurt like hell even though it does.

Even though it _really_, fucking does.

And then acting like nothing is wrong because you love them both too much to ever get in the way of their happiness. Because you love them both too much that their happiness is so much more important than your own.

Love makes you do crazy things. Insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them... and you just _can't_ help it.

Once I walked into the room with an armful of fluffed pillows, they smiled at me, completely oblivious to the amounts of pain I was trying to mask. I was getting so good at it that it was even beginning to surprise _me_. How it was getting easier for me to always hold back the tears back around them, I won't know.

He patted the spot on the sofa next to him, giving me that stupid smile I liked so much.

And because I was so eager to be near him even though it was so wrong, I took the spot he offered on the couch and basked in the warmth his body was exerting.

Stupid heart.

"Hey, Bella?"

I turned towards Alice, arching a brow as she held her phone out to me.

"Edward wants to talk to you."

Out of curiosity, I grabbed the phone and walked into the kitchen to hear him better. "Hello?"

"So, Alice wasn't lying when she said she was headed over to your place."

I laughed softly and opened the bag of chips she had bought, pouring them into a large bowl. "Why would Alice have lied about going to my apartment?"

His musical laugh came from the other end. "Emmett and I figured she and Jasper were in need of that _alone_ time they were talking about earlier."

I inwardly cringed, not wanting to even think about that.

And then I remembered the reason as to why he probably called Alice. "Did you want me to give your iPod to Alice since she's already here?"

"Are you trying to weasel your way out of lunch with me, Isabella?"

Jeez, even my full name sounded amazing coming from his lips. I snapped back to reality when I felt something on my hand. "Aw, crap." I didn't even notice that I had been completely missing the bowl and poured spinach dip all over myself.

"So you were!" Edward accused with a laugh.

"Oh. No, no that's not it at all," I said, placing my hand underneath the running water of the sink. "I was just surprised that you called me Isabella and kind of... spilled my food all over myself, and errrrm, yeah that's embarrassing. Shoot." Great going, Bella. "So, you didn't call Alice for your iPod?"

"No, I called so I could see if she was really at your place and then have a valid excuse to talk to you if she was without breaking the two-day rule."

I froze and tried to think of a witty line to say back. "Oh."

As soon as that one word came out of my mouth, I slapped my forehead. Goddamn it, Bella! I was so freaking horrible and awkward with all of this that I couldn't even think of something remotely interesting to say back to my best friend's super hot brother who was _clearly_ hitting on me. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_!

Damn that Jasper again for being the only guy I've ever really talked to! Being so in love with him is the reason why I can't flirt with another guy without sounding like a complete moron!

"Edward, get off the phone with Bella and save your smooth moves for when you take her out!" Alice yelled loud enough for him to hear from her spot on the couch.

He groaned. "That's my cue to hang up otherwise I'm sure my pixie of a sister will murder me for intruding on your best friend bonding time. So, I'll see you soon, Bella."

We hung up shortly after as I made my way back to the couch with the chips and the dip. Alice smiled knowingly when I handed her phone back to her. "Edward and Bella sitting in a tree-"

"Alice," I growled, not wanting her to go any farther with the rhyme.

"F-U-C-K-"

"Mary Alice Cullen!" I shrieked, clamping my hand over her mouth as she giggled crazily beneath me. She hated it whenever I used that against her, and I hoped this time was no exception.

She peeled my hand off her mouth and beamed up at me, completely unaffected by my usage of her entire name. "You know, I've always wondered, why _would_ two people be sitting in a tree in the first place? Like, do they have a ladder or do they just climb up there like monkeys?"

I laughed at Alice's randomness and noticed Jasper was entirely focused on the screen in front of him. Usually he teased Alice and I for being such girls, but this time, he remained silent and didn't say a word. When he caught me looking his way, he smiled and patted the seat next to him again.

And as much as I wanted to sit in that spot and cuddle against the half of him that was still mine, I needed to say no. The constant battle between what my heart wanted and what my heart needed had to stop. I had to try. He looked at me quizzically as I sat beside Alice instead, snuggling into the blanket she was curled underneath.

I couldn't look him in the eye because that would send me all the way back to square one. I couldn't afford to get stuck inside square one again.

Damn it all, Jasper. Even though you're so unaware of it, we both know I need to fall out of love with you. And it would be so great, so goddamned wonderful...if you would just let me _try_.

* * *

**End of Chapter Five**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** For those of you who have read _**Hello, Stranger**_ and noticed I always alternate between EPOV and BPOV every chapter, I just wanted to make it clear that that is not how it will work with this story. If it needs to be BPOV five times in a row, it will be. Or if it needs to be EPOV for four consecutive chapters, it will be.

Don't hate Jasper, please. He's an idiot, yes, but I still love him. And! He's pushing Bella into the waiting arms of Edward, so that has to count for something, right? If you're really eager to get some questions answered, come on over to the forum and chat it up with me, why don't you? :)

Next chapter is Bella and Edward's lunch and more wedding errands! I'll try to avoid too much angst, but I can't make any guarantees. Plus, this chapter wasn't too heartbreaking right? Right?

Reviews are quite lovely, and so are all of you for reading :)

-_**BB**_


	6. Everything I'm Not

**Author's Notes:** First things first, thank you to everyone for the reviews. Almost 300 and to anyone else who thinks it's stupid for me to be happy, shush. Every review I get is much appreciated and I can't express my gratitude enough. Thank you all! The angst is back for this chapter, and remember you can come chat with me on the thread if you've got any questions :) The link is on my profile.

Kudos and love and hugs to **IcelandGirl812** for being the fastest beta out there! She is all sorts of win, and I can't thank her enough for getting this back to me so fast, thus being the reason as to why you're reading this right now. Love you, Erica!

Don't forget to vote at The Cullen Awards! _**A Little Less Than Before**_ has been nominated for the **Jasper Award (Best Angst)**!

**_Hello, Stranger _**has been nominated for the **Alice Award (Best W.I.P.) **and the** Rosalie Award (Best AU/AH)**.

And I've been nominated for the **Stephenie Meyer Award (Best Author)**! I'd be thrilled if you liked my stories enough to vote for me, but I'm against stiff competition, so I'm not going to set my expectations high :)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. I just play with the characters.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Six;**

_**Everything I'm Not**_

* * *

_**Jasper Whitlock**_**  
**  
"Everything alright, Jazz?"

I tore my eyes away from whatever I had been staring at for the past five minutes and focused on the woman sitting atop the counter across from me. She was sipping on her mug of hot cocoa while arching a brow at me, quickly hopping down to get closer.

For some reason, I wasn't liking the idea of Edward and Jezebels together too much. He was a good man, no doubt. Hardworking, devoted, and an all-around nice guy. The only thing that was bothering me was everything I had heard about his five-minute women back in Chicago. It had been mentioned once before and honestly, I thought nothing of it. Men have needs and if that's the way he chose to go on about it, I could understand where he was coming from.

But the fact that it seemed as if Bella was his next target irked me a bit. I saw the way her eyes lit up when they first met at the engagement party, and I could tell by the sound of her voice when she talked to him that there had to have been some kind of a spark there. For years and years, I watched Bella turn down offers left and right, closing the door on relationships and dating in general. Her and I were similar in that way, and maybe that's one of the reasons as to why we got along so well.

Guys would always lust after her, and she never even noticed. She's the type of girl who's wanted by every guy without _knowing_ she's being wanted. The girl who could still be categorized as gorgeous without the use of makeup and the girl who you'd love to take home for your family to meet. Too many times I had guys ask and jab at me for her number or to set them up, but I always had to deny. "Bella just isn't into that type of thing," I'd tell them. And it was always, surprisingly, the truth.

Edward being interested in Bella didn't come as a shock to me at all. But Bella showing interest towards him, on the other hand, is a different story altogether. When I found out about their agreement to meet for lunch together, I had to plant my ass firmly into the kitchen stool to avoid getting up and giving him one hard jab in the gut. That was _my _best friend and if he was just looking for another notch to add onto his belt of one-night stands, Isabella Swan was definitely the wrong girl to turn to.

I knew his intentions must have extended farther than just that though. He asked her to lunch, first of all. That already meant he was trying to get to know her outside of the bedroom, which was good, but still unnerving on my part. Maybe I was just acting out on the big brother role for Bella since she's an only child, but either way, I was still anxious as fuck.

I'd never had to deal with a broken hearted Bella. I'd never had to threaten to beat any guy's ass for fucking with her emotions. I'd never had to deal with Bella being interested in anyone enough to give them a chance, and now I was dealing with her and my fiancée's _brother_ of all people possibly becoming something more than _just_ friends.

How the hell do you prepare yourself for something like that?

"Jasper?"

Alice had set her cup of cocoa down and was looking up at me questioningly, her small hands working to smooth the creases in my brow. Edward's intentions were beginning to busy my mind a little too much, and I'm sure it was beginning to show.

"I'm fine, sweetheart. Sorry about that, I kind of zoned out a bit." I chuckled and turned my face to kiss the inside of her palm.

After embarrassing myself by screaming at the part of Texas Chainsaw Massacre that _still_ scared the shit out of me, we all decided to finally call it a night. We were quieter than usual since all of us had our attention on the screen. At first, I was skeptical on whether or not to bring Alice since it was a tradition shared between Jezebels and I, but eventually, I gave in because I didn't want her to sit around alone. I should have known Bella wouldn't have been mad. Alice was just as much a best friend of Bella's as I was.

"Did you want to go home now? I'll walk you out if you want," Alice offered, wrapping her arms around my waist.

I smiled and as I was about to lean down and give her a kiss, the sound of the front door opening caught us both off guard as we peeked over to see who it could have been.

"Edward, where have you been?" Alice questioned, arching a brow at him as he tossed his keys onto the counter.

"While you guys were out, I took my stuff over to the new apartment," he replied, pulling the door to the fridge open.

"Your stuff came in already?" she asked. "Did you unpack?"

He grabbed a can of soda from the leftovers Bella let us have. "Yeah. They came in while we were out looking at your wedding locations. Dad and Em moved them into the Jeep so I could get them over to my apartment. I'll unpack tomorrow or something."

"So, does that mean you're not staying here anymore?"

Edward chuckled softly and shut the fridge after failing to find anything he wanted to snack on. "I'm sure Mom and Dad will do fine without us, Ali. I'm only a ten-minute drive away, after all. Oh! And guess who I ran into?"

"Who?"

"Bella," he replied with a crooked grin. "I was at the store to get a snack or something, until I remembered I could just come here and eat. I guess I forgot she lived nearby. We hung around the store for a while just trying to find some good food to eat. And we agreed that we would meet for lunch on Tuesday before she needed to go with you to find your save-the-dates."

"Why was she at the store?" I asked. I knew I wasn't necessarily a part of the conversation, but my curiosity got the better of me. "We ate at her house."

"All she bought was chocolate ice cream. Maybe she just wanted some dessert?" Edward shrugged unknowingly, walking past us and towards the stairs. "Anyways, I'm going to get some shuteye. I'm tired from moving all those boxes, so I'll see you both in the morning."

I watched him disappear up the stairs until Alice's tinkling giggle snapped me out of my train of thought. I looked down at her, brow arched, wondering what in the hell was so funny. "What?"

"Down, boy. Edward's not the same guy he was back in Chicago, Jazz. He really seems to like Bella a lot. So relax," she laughed, rubbing soothing circles into my back. "Do you think I'd let some psychopath chase after our best friend? No, of course not. I know my brother. I know he's a good guy. And you would too, if you'd give him a chance."

"It's different for me though, Alice. Not only have I known her longer, but I also feel very... protective of her. I don't ever want to have to see Jezebels-"

"Jazz, you're her _best friend_, not her father. It's not your job to protect her from the world. It's your job as a friend to be there for her when she needs you."

She reached up on her tiptoes to kiss my lips softly, patting my shoulder as she walked past me. "I'll be upstairs if you need me. Love you."

I heaved a sigh and smoothed my hair back, knowing she was completely right. I couldn't keep expecting Edward to fuck up just because he had a bad past. But, that didn't mean it wasn't hard not to. I hated the idea of Bella ever getting hurt because of a one-night stand. I couldn't stomach the thought of her running to me because her heart was shattering.

But, Alice was right. Bella has Charlie to protect her from all the bad shit this world has to offer, and she has me to hold her and comfort her when it all gets to be too much.

Alice was always right.

* * *

_**Bella Swan  
**_  
I'm pretty sure I needed to situate myself on a treadmill for three hours after how many pints of ice cream I had within the past two days. My way of feeling sorry for myself was sickening, but it worked. After Alice and Jasper left, I immediately went to the grocery store nearby to drown my sorrows with Ben and Jerry's like Renee always told me to do. I loved my mom for that valuable bit of information.

Surprisingly enough, I ran into Edward, whose new apartment apparently wasn't that far from mine. He laughed when he saw the ice cream, but didn't question my reasoning behind buying it so late. We walked in the frozen section for a while, pointing out our favorite flavors, and making arrangements of where and when our lunch together would take place.

"Oh, hell," I groaned and looked over at the clock. I had wasted so much time staring into space that I hadn't even realized Edward and I were supposed to meet up in less than two hours. As fast as I could, I showered and tried to wash away all the thoughts of Jasper and Alice together. In order for this whole moving on thing to work properly, I actually needed to make an effort to leave it all behind.

The memories, the smiles, the laughs, the love... One-sided love, rather.

_Stop it, Bella_.

I sighed and shut off the water, leaning against the cold tile to try and clear my head. It was so hard having so much to say without having anyone to say it to. There were so many things left unsaid, so many things I was aching to scream out. I wanted someone to just listen to me and hold me and tell me it would all be okay. Even if it wouldn't be okay in the end, I'd be fine with that.

Because I just wanted someone to help me think that maybe, possibly, things _could_ be okay. That I would get over Jasper and still find my happily ever after elsewhere as he and Alice lived out theirs. That the three of us could remain best friends and that I'd one day be strong enough to stand beside them without the stabbing pain clawing its way through my already aching heart.

I wanted someone to tell me all those things.

With another sigh and a shake of my head, I stepped out of the bathroom and tried to put together a decent outfit for the day. I had to keep in mind that not only was I going out with Edward, but I was also seeing Alice later as well. I blow dried and left my hair down in its natural waviness since I didn't feel like straightening it. After adding a bit of eyeliner and a touch of mascara, I was done with my makeup and headed over to my Alice-influenced closet to pick out something to wear.

I went with an outfit that was comfortable yet stylish. Grey skinny jeans, a black turtleneck, two jackets, and my only pair of non-heeled, black boots. Alice hated it when I wore anything heel-less because I apparently had really nice, long legs. As nice of a compliment as that was, I was in no mood to trip or stumble in front of the hottest Cullen in existence.

The clock on my nightstand let me know I still had twenty minutes to make it to the restaurant. On my way to the door, I grabbed my purse and tucked Edward's green iPod inside. I swung my keys on my finger as I walked down the stairs and stopped when I saw him waiting at the entrance of the building.

"Edward?"

He turned around at the sound of his name and flashed a crooked grin at me. It should have been a sin to look so attractive, really. He was in a regular, dark blue tee with a white one underneath and a brown jacket over it all. His pants were black, as were his shoes, and it made me mad because he still looked good without even matching.

"I thought I'd wait so I could offer to drive? Apparently, Jasper and I are coming along to help you and Alice find the save-the-dates later."

I laughed and nodded as we walked out of the building together. Like a gentleman, he held the door open to his beloved Volvo as I slid in and tried to remain mature. A part of me wanted to squeal that this was actually happening, but the part of me that didn't want to come off as a psychopath remained calm. _This is good, Bella!_ I chanted in my head as he drove to a nice looking bistro called Palomino in downtown Seattle. It was pretty fancy for an iPod exchange, but I didn't mind too much.

It still wasn't a date, even though I was kind of wishing it was now.

We were seated at a table for two and ordered water as the waitress gave us menus. I was thinking to order a cocktail, but decided against it.

"So, Bella, did you remember to bring my iPod?" Edward asked as he scanned the menu, arching a questioning brow at me with a smirk on his face.

I rolled my eyes jokingly and reached into my purse, placing his green iPod on my side of the table. "Of course I remembered. That was the whole reason why we agreed to having lunch together, right?"

He nodded in agreement with that smirk still plastered on and continued to scan his menu.

The waitress came back and took our orders shortly after. I tried to order the grilled, wild mushroom salad, but Edward had a problem with that and ordered something called a rigatoni bolognese for me and the braised beef short rib for himself.

"I don't even know what you ordered," I admitted with a laugh once the waitress walked away.

"I can't stand it when I take a girl out to eat, and she orders a crouton and a glass of low-fat water. Water is calorie free, how can it get below zero?" Edward snorted, taking a sip from his glass as I giggled softly. "Besides, you're not going to fill up on a salad with just mushrooms and Gorgonzola. I ordered you pasta. It has this spicy Italian sausage in it and is made with this red pepper cream sauce. It's really good."

"I thought you just moved back here? How would you know that?"

"I spent a weekend in Pittsburgh once on business. My coworkers and I went to the Palomino there and it was delicious. Trust me."

Edward had sincerely impressed me. If I had only met him before I had met Jasper, I'd be more than interested in him. That didn't mean I wasn't interested, but my mind was too preoccupied with another man. As much as I wanted to pursue Edward, my heart just wasn't in it.

Our food came, and he was absolutely right - it was delicious.

I couldn't help but blush when he let me try his dish, feeding me a forkful of the amazingly soft beef with a little bit of pancetta. He asked to try mine so he could see if it was as good as the one in Pittsburgh, and because I was clumsy and horrible at flirting, I ended up spilling the pasta on his shirt.

He laughed at the situation and asked if I was purposely being an idiot so he'd get scared and stop asking me out "just for lunch". Being around Edward, as well as all of the other Cullens, was effortless. I couldn't believe I was actually nervous before he moved back to Seattle, thinking he'd be a high-class pompous businessman from Chicago. He was actually quite the opposite, and I was glad that Alice had such a nice brother. I could see why she was so excited to have him back in the same city.

Even though I insisted on paying for my own meal, he refused and told me that wasn't how it worked. Instead of accepting my money, he told me I could repay him with another "just for lunch" non-date, and I agreed. He was good company, and really attractive, so how could I ever say no?

We met up with Alice and Jasper at a small stationery store called Papyrus. Alice looked more than happy to see Edward and I beside one another as she leaped at both of us all squeals and giggles. Jasper, on the other hand, looked kind of out of it. I figured he wasn't too into the whole pre-wedding errands thing since, well, not a lot of guys are. That's what the maid of honor and bridesmaids are for.

But, Alice is not the typical bride-to-be, so Jasper should have been expecting it.

The saleslady who had made an effort to help us out showed Alice the many different selections they had to offer. I couldn't believe how expensive some of the cards were. Was it honestly too much of a hassle to send out an e-mail to everyone instead of a fancy card that didn't count as the invitation anyway? I shrugged it off and threw myself into the girly aspect of it all with Alice, ooh-ing and awe-ing whenever I saw a particular design I liked. She was looking for something pink, and when the saleslady pulled out a pink-bordered, white save-the-date with cursive print and a letterpress floral design, she was sold. The lady named Megan pulled out order forms and customization papers to finalize the deal.

It actually made me smile to see Alice so happy. I had never seen her so excited over filling out forms. I leaned over her and wrapped my arms around her small shoulders. "Save the date; Alice and Jasper request you save the seventh of June," I recited from the top of my head, thinking a save-the-date would sound something along the lines of that.

She squealed in excitement as she bounced up and down in her seat. "I know! I'm so excited to send them out, Bella! So many people weren't able to make it to the engagement party, so I can't wait to hear the reactions from some of my friends who haven't heard yet!"

Megan watched the energetic pixie with an honest smile, tucking her long blonde hair behind her ear. "So, a summer wedding, huh? That sounds lovely."

"I can't wait," Alice sighed, filling out another line on the paperwork. "And I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think I want pink to be the color."

"Pale pink is a good choice," Megan agreed. "The lighter shades of pink speak to happiness, playfulness, and a sense of fun." She smiled wistfully and turned to Alice. "So, how long?"

"About a year now," she replied, filling out another line.

I arched a brow at Alice, laughing with a shake of my head. "Alice, you guys got engaged not even a month ago. Or did you already forget?"

She looked up at me, her brown eyes filling up with something I couldn't quite pinpoint. Her mouth shut immediately after that, and the look on Jasper's face was almost identical to her own.

Wait a minute.

Wait.

One year?

And then it hit me.

I turned to Alice, and her eyes finally made sense. "Oh. You and Jasper... were dating for a year, before he... proposed?"

Megan was giving me that "You're the maid of honor, shouldn't you already know this?" type of look as I laughed and waved it off.

"I mean, of _course_! I knew that. Totally knew that!" I could hear the lies seeping through my voice as I gulped hard and exhaled a shaky breath. "It just slipped my mind because of all this wedding excitement! And, ooh, is it hot in here? I'm sorry, could you guys excuse me?"

And because I didn't know what else to do, I ran.

Far and fast, I ran. I didn't care that they were all screaming for me to come back. I ignored them and kept my focus forward because I just wanted to get away.

I don't even know how the hell I managed to get out of there without falling on my face like the klutz I was. Instead of questioning it, I just thanked all things holy that I was spared an accident for at least one day.

_They had been dating_.

For one entire, fucking year without even telling me.

Twelve deceitful months of going out behind my back. Fifty two weeks filled with hugs and kisses I was never aware of. And three hundred and sixty-five days worth of I love you's that meant so much more than I always used to think they meant.

Just when I was beginning to think maybe, possibly, _somehow_ I could be okay, _this_ happens.

I find out that the man I love has been in love with someone else all along. It wouldn't even matter if I scraped up every bit of courage I had inside of me because, fuck, I never stood a chance in the first place.

Alice won the fight before I even knew she was a part of it, and Alice was victorious in the war I didn't even make a standing in.

He was never mine to begin with. _Never_.

Jasper was hers all along.

For one year, without my acknowledgement of it, their hearts belonged to one another.

I never once thought that I'd be blind enough to miss the fact that they were already in love. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They looked at each other the same way they had ever since they met. No kisses on the lips were ever exchanged; no heartfelt declarations of their love for one another were made. I never even had the slightest clue they had been dating.

And they told some fucking stranger lady selling them their save-the-dates that bit of information instead of me.

Some woman they knew for a good five minutes instead of me.

I had every right in the world to be pissed. I had every single reason to hate the shit out of them because what kind of friends, hell, what kind of _best_ friends do that to each other?

Right?

More than anything, I wanted to call it quits on the wedding. To tell them it hurt too much because I was rooting from the sidelines when I wanted to be center stage. I wanted to tell them both to leave me alone for a few weeks or even months to pull my shit together, to get over the heartache taking over my body every single day I saw him with another woman who just so happened to be one of the most important people in my life.

And yet, as angry and as hurt and as upset as I wanted to be towards them, I couldn't. I wasn't. Because, honestly, I would only be a hypocrite if I harbored ill feelings towards them for keeping a secret when I, myself, had been keeping the biggest one of my life from them both.

What kind of a person... what kind of a _friend_ would I be if I hated them for being in love?

I could never do that. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't. _Never_.

Because, you always want your best friends and the people you love to be happy.

Even if it means you getting taken out of the picture.

I wanted the best for the both of them. And what was best for both of them was, heartbreakingly enough, each other.

I never could have made Jasper happy the way Alice does.

Because if I could, if it were even in the slightest bit possible, he would've picked me. I had an extra four years on Alice when it came to Jasper. He had those four years to let me know I could be the one, that I could be his happily ever after, if he truly thought I was.

But, he didn't.

I wanted to believe we could have almost made our fairy tale come true. But, it would be a lie. While I spent my time being hopelessly in love with him, he was looking the other way, completely unaware of how my heart yearned for him.

_Oh, god._

I kept running. I don't know where, or even how far I had gotten before I collapsed onto a park bench, panting and gasping for breath. My tears mixed with sweat, and the physical pain clashed with the emotional pain, and it was all too much. My heart was breaking, and I was reliving Christmas Eve all over again as I brought my shaky hands up to bury my face away from the reality that seemed to constantly be lashing at me.

It hurt. It hurt_.. so much._

I had been lied to every day for a year. I had been bullshitted every day for months. Be mad, Bella. _Try_.

_No. No. I can't_, I argued with myself as I shook my head. I wanted to, _god_ I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

Ice cream wouldn't fix this. Being locked up in my room to cry for hours wouldn't help. I don't even think talking about it would do me any good.

All I really wanted was to fall out love. It was so painful and entirely different than what it's played out to be in storybooks and songs. I just wanted out. Any way possible. As quick as possible. Someone, anyone, somehow, some way, _please_...

"I was right, wasn't I?"

I knew that voice, and damn it all, because for the second time in less than a week, I was a sobbing, broken, dirty mess in front of the one guy I actually wanted to impress.

Edward was panting just as heavily as I was, bent over with his hands on his knees as he worked to regain his breath.

I wiped at my face and realized it was no use. My mascara was probably running, I was sweating like I had just sprinted a marathon, and there was no point in me trying to play the part of the strong best friend because I just couldn't hide it anymore. So, I did the only thing I could. I continued to show him the pain I was feeling. I cried because it fucking hurt, and I shied myself away from his concerned green eyes because I didn't want him to worry about me.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and took a seat next to me, rubbing soothing circles into my back before speaking. "You're... in love with Jasper."

It wasn't a question. He knew he was right. All along, he had seen right through me. He had known me for not even a week, and he could see what Alice and Jasper had missed for years.

And because I was so sick of keeping it to myself, I nodded.

It was the deepest and darkest secret I was keeping from everyone. From the world. From Alice and Jasper.

And I was ready to let Edward in on it because he chased after me, because he saw, and because he knew.

_And they didn't._

* * *

_**End of Chapter Six**_

* * *

** Author's Notes: **This is the first time I've ever written out a chapter with more than one POV, so cut me some slack. We'll get into Alice's mind as well, and this is definitely not the last time you'll hear from Jasper. Did anyone see that coming? I sure hope not, it was meant to throw you guys off a bit :)

And holy hell everyone, stop hating on Bella so much! She's hurting. The love of her life is marrying her best friend, of course it's going to take her a while to get over that, right? Give her some time. I promise if you're patient, Bella and Edward will have lots of sexy time in the future ;)

Pictures of Bella and Edward's lunching outfits are on my profile for those of you who enjoy visuals!

Like I said before, reviews would be lovely, as are all of you for taking the time to read my story :)

-**_BB  
_**


	7. Useless

**Author's Notes:** So sorry I couldn't reply to as many reviews last chapter! My first year of college is coming to an end, so I've been studying like CRAZY to end the semester with a bang. Next week is finally the start of summer for me! Yay! And even though I go back for summer classes in June, it'll still be less stressful and I'll still have Fridays off! Anyway, I can't even believe you guys! 100+ reviews last chapter? That's pretty exciting for me, and I promise I read them all even if I pretty much fail at replying :( Yay for 400!

Lots of Edward lovin' to **IcelandGirl812** for getting this done unbelievably quick. Loooove her! She keeps me writing, fixes all my errors, still has time to be a friend, and is the main reason why this story was even posted in the first place. So, thank you, Erica!

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns all. I just own the plot.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Seven;**

_**Useless**_

* * *

_**Edward Cullen  
**_  
Alice and Jasper were dating for a year?

A year. One whole year!

That came even as a surprise to _me_. She had never told me this. Or any of us, for that matter. She wrote me all the time, sent e-mails and texts, and never once did she mention ever dating him. And apparently, they never told Bella either.

Which was pretty messed up, if you ask me, because not only is she their best friend, but...

Bella _was_ in love with Jasper. I knew it. I was right all along. As soon as I saw that look on my sister's face, I knew something was up. Alice had always been a good liar, but when she was caught, she could never work her way out of it. I knew that look all too well. The look she wore when Dad confronted her about whether or not she invited one too many friends over when they left for a weekend when we were in high school. The look she wore when I let her borrow my car the time she graduated college and came back with it dented on the side and with vomit on my floors.

Alice was guilty and had gotten caught.

And fuck, I wanted to yell at her. Wanted to ask how in the hell she slept at night knowing she was keeping something so huge from someone so important to her. Wanted to ask who in the fuck she was because the Alice _I_ knew and loved would never do something like this.

_Later_, I told myself as I pushed the door open. _Later!  
_  
And because I knew Bella was going to be crying, I ran after her. I could see her faintly from where I was and knew right away that she had no destination. She was just running. Running away to lessen the pain even just a little. Running away to have some sort of an escape from it all.

I caught up faster than I thought I would. The sight of her crying on that park bench, looking even more broken than she was the day of the engagement party... _damn_.

For once, I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to say to her? There were no words that could make her feel okay. Not only had they kept the secret from her for so long, but she was in _love _with him for Christ's sake.

She loved Jasper, and he loved my sister, and she's Bella's best friend. It was one complicated ass circle, but I actually understood it all. Everything made sense now. Her breakdown at the party, her reaction towards the Fairmont, her shock at finding out they had been dating - it all made sense.

I didn't want to ask any questions about how, when, why, or whatever other bullshit there was to ask. All I knew was that if I were in her shoes, all I'd want would be the comfort of knowing someone was there for me. So instead of berating her, I simply sat down and rubbed circles into her back, willing her to get all the pain out while she had someone there. "You're... in love with Jasper."

Without a word, and without turning to me, she nodded.

And I knew.

We didn't speak for a while. I waited until her sobs calmed to silent tears, and finally, she was at the point where I could walk back with her to my car so I could take her home. The ride back to her place was just as silent, which I didn't mind. If she wasn't ready to talk, then she wasn't ready to talk. I followed her up the stairs and watched as she tossed her purse to the floor and slid down the wall with her back pressed against it.

"How... Why... I just don't get it," Bella murmured as she shook her head. "Why? Why would they keep something like that?"

I wish I could have given her an answer. I wish I knew why my sister lied or why Jasper didn't bother to say anything, but I was just as clueless as she was.

"Don't say anything," she whispered. "Please, Edward, don't say anything."

It was obvious that everyone was oblivious to her feelings. I was angry all over again at Alice for calling herself Bella's _best friend_ when she couldn't see in years what I saw in hours. It was fucking ridiculous, to say the very least. "It's not my story to tell."

She understood. "Thank you."

In an attempt to try and get her mind off things, I sat down next to her. She didn't look at me as I leaned back against the wall and made myself comfortable. "There was this one time in Chicago..."

Bella raised a brow at me, but I ignored it and continued on.

"Where I was on the train, and there was this strange woman eyeing me, right? I mean, she was _really _strange. I tried to ignore her and focused on anything else except her." I chuckled at the memory. "So, I got off at my stop, and that same lady is following me. I ducked in and out of corners, rushed down streets, and hid whenever I could. By the time I made it back to my building, she was still on my tail."

"Even after all that?" she asked, looking even more confused. "Did you call the cops?"

I shook my head and laughed. "Apparently, one of my coworkers thought it'd be _so_ hilarious to slap a note on my back that said 'I make dreams in bed come true. Follow me tonight for a lifetime remembrance of bliss'. You know how awkward it was for me to try to politely decline that woman and tell her it was all a misunderstanding? Some friends, right?"

Bella laughed quietly and wiped underneath her eyes as I nudged her softly. "Hey, see, there you go. I got you to laugh." I reached out a hand to her and helped her up from the floor, handing her the keys she dropped beside me. "I'm glad I got you to smile even just a little bit, but you have a right to feel hurt. You deserve the time to cry and the time to get it all out. Don't try to be strong and hold it in, Bella. It'll just hurt you more."

She looked up at me with glossy eyes and a sad smile, and I knew the hurt was back. She was going to shut the door and fall to her knees and cry because I knew it was probably hurting her like hell. I tentatively reached a hand up to her shoulder and patted it softly. "Things will get better soon, Bella."

"I hope so."

I nodded and gave her one last smile before I headed back down the stairs to my car. It suddenly hit me at how much more difficult the whole circle had become. I wanted Bella who was in love with Jasper who was getting married to Alice, who was my sister and Bella's best friend. A groan escaped my mouth as I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to focus on the road and stoplights in front of me.

My mind was clouded with too many thoughts of too many things as I pulled into the driveway of my parents' house. Alice's car was parked on the side, so I knew I was right when I had guessed she would come here, knowing she would probably be in need of Mom's warm, comforting hugs and Dad's wise words.

_"Don't say anything. Please, Edward, don't say anything."_

Bella's voice echoed in my head as I stepped inside. Sure enough, Alice was sitting on the corner of the sofa in the living room, looking as if she was a child on time out. I tossed my keys onto the table in front of her and sighed while running my fingers once again through my already messed up hair. "What a way to end my first non-date with Bella. Thanks. You have anything to say for keeping this from all of us for how long, Mary Alice Cullen?"

_**Alice Cullen**_

I cringed when Edward used my whole name. He was never around enough to ever get mad at me for anything the past few years, so I knew him using that against me meant bad news. Edward and I were only a year apart, but he always acted so much more mature than he actually was.

"Where's Jasper?" he asked, looking around.

"He went to Bella's to try and talk to her."

Edward forced out a laugh. "I just finished talking to her, and honestly, I think Jasper is the last person she wants to talk to right now. You're probably next in line, but can you really blame her?"

My head fell as I avoided his piercing eyes, doing my best to keep my emotions under control. "Bella won't answer my phone calls."

"Oh, I wonder why," Edward sarcastically remarked, crossing his arms. "Could it possibly be because her two best friends kept this a secret from her for an entire _year_? I just don't get it. Why in the world would you keep something so huge from her? You should've known she'd be fucking upset once it came out!"

I cringed again. I hated it when Edward cursed at me because he didn't do it often. He was mad, really mad, and about to make me break down into tears if he didn't stop yelling. "Sorry."

He raised a brow at me. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to, Ali. Though, I do have to admit, I _am_ pissed and kind of wondering who you are and what the hell you've done with my sister. Because the Alice _I_ know would never do that type of a thing to someone so close to her."

A tear rolled down my cheek and I didn't even care to wipe it away. Why bother? Edward was absolutely right. What the hell was I thinking, keeping it from Bella like that for an entire year? How did I ever let it get this far? To my surprise, I felt strong arms wrap around me before any more tears managed to fall.

"Since I'm your brother, I'm pretty much forced to love you no matter how annoyed I am at you. But Bella on the other hand, she _chooses_ to love you. And she _chose_ to take you into her life as her best friend. And if you and Jasper don't find a way to make this better, you just might lose that from her."

I closed my eyes against his shoulder and sniffled. "Thanks, Edward. Love you."

"I love you too, Alice. You know that. Even though it's hard for me to admit sometimes. Be sure to get some rest tonight, kiddo." He ruffled the top of my head and if it were any other time, I'd punch him in the gut. But, I wanted and needed the comfort, and if that were the form it would come in, I'd take it.

Ugh. What is wrong with me though?

I watched my best friend run out on me because I slipped up and told her something I should've told her months ago. Something I should have come out and said the very same day it happened.

My head dropped into my hands as I cried for all those days I lied straight through my teeth, for all those times I could have told her, and for all those times I could have told her but didn't. I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't speak to me ever again.

I deserved it.

I thought back to the first day I had met Bella. We were in Political Science and sat next to each other in the back because we both came in late and nothing else was free. I remember I was late because I just _had_ to spend that extra twenty minutes straightening my then long hair, thinking I'd possibly have some cuties in class. Bella had a much more valid excuse - she got lost.

It was amazing how fast we clicked. I couldn't believe it when she told me she was totally into the idea of cheating so we could both pass. I knew right then and there that she would be a lifelong friend of mine and that she would be in my line of closest women beside me whenever I decided to get married.

And now, four years later, she's going to stand beside me as my maid of honor. As my number one best friend and as the sister I've never had.

If she even chose to still be after today.

God, I hate myself right now.

I grabbed my phone and held down Bella's speed dial, putting it to my ear as soon as the screen indicated the call was going through.

"_Hey, you've reached Bella. Sorry I can't answer your call right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you_!"

I sighed at hearing her voicemail for the fiftieth or sixtieth time and waited for the beep. "Bells, it's Alice. I know you probably hate me now, shit, I even hate me right now. But, I wanted to apologize. The right way. I know tomorrow isn't Friday, but if you're willing to hear me out, come to the usual at seven. I refuse to have another woman stand as my maid of honor, but if you choose to step down, I'll more than understand. I love you, Bells, and for the record... I'm so sorry."

I hung up and hugged my knees to my chest because it was the only thing I was capable of doing. I remember how often Bella would jabber on and on about some guy named Jasper before. It was interesting, and I had an idea he must have been someone special.

When she finally introduced him and I to each other, I can honestly remember almost fainting at how intense the feeling was. Never in my life had I ever thought that I would be one to succumb to that whole "love at first sight" thing. But there I was, staring at him and knowing that somehow, someway, he was the one.

And I felt terrible.

Because this was the guy Bella would go on and on about for hours at a time. I knew her feelings ran deeper than she claimed, regardless of how often she denied it and asked how I could ever think that in the first place.

The years went by and the feelings never left, no matter how hard I tried to pin them down. Bella was my best friend and I promised myself that the day she came out and told me about how she felt towards Jasper, I'd completely rid myself of mine. It would be the hardest thing in the world I would have to do, but I'd do it.

So, I waited.

And waited.

But, Bella never said anything.

Then, Jasper told me how he felt. About me. _For_ me. He told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I was elated. Absolutely ecstatic because he felt about me how I felt about him since we first met.

It was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.

Because I still wasn't solidly sure about whether or not Bella loved him the way I was thinking she did. So, I did the only thing I could.

I told Jasper he'd have to wait for my answer because I wasn't ready to give him one yet. I had to make sure Bella would be okay with me dating Jasper first.

And then he said because he had known Bella for so long, he knew it would hurt her, and that that was the last thing he wanted. So, he asked if we could keep it to ourselves for a while. "A week won't hurt", he told me.

So, I believed him.

A week went by. Then, a month. Then more months. And we still hadn't told Bella.

He thought it was best that way.

And I knew that if we kept it a secret, it'd hurt her even more when the truth came out.

I was right. I was _always_ right.

What was I even thinking?

What had I done?

I was faced with the decision of choosing between Jasper and Bella. It was hard. Harder than anyone would ever be able to imagine because I loved them both.

But because I was a lovesick fool, I went along with the idea that if we kept our relationship a secret from the world, Bella would never get hurt. I kept telling myself she'd find out eventually. Sooner or later, we would have to tell her. I don't even know how we got so far without a word to anyone.

Both of us had gotten so used to being secretive, that it eventually just became second nature to us. But, I hated that we couldn't be public about our love for each other. I hated that every time we left the usual, I'd go to Jasper's and hang out with him until the early hours of the morning.

I felt more guilt now than I ever did before, and I hated myself for that. To this day, I'm still not sure about whether or not Bella was ever really in love with Jasper like I thought. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. The only way to know would be to come clean and ask. And I honestly wouldn't even know what to do if she ever told me she was. If she let me know my suspicions were correct and damned me for knowing but refusing to do anything about it... I just, I don't know.

I wouldn't be mad. How could I be when it's something I've had a gut feeling about all along? _Damn it all_, I sighed to myself.

Suddenly, my phone started ringing quietly from its position on the couch. I hoped to dear god that it was Bella, but it was only Jasper. If it were any other time, I would have been all smiles and would have answered the phone like I always did.

But, I was regretting listening to him and wasn't ready to forget all about it just yet. My phone continued to ring softly as I stayed where I was with my knees to my chest and my head faced down.

I reached over and hit "ignore".

* * *

It was a beautiful, winter night without rain and just the right amount of a chill in the air. I tapped my heeled boots on the floor nervously as I took a sip from my usual cocktail and stared at Bella's, sitting untouched across from me. I wouldn't blame her if she decided not to come. Jasper insisted he come along as well to get his side of the story out, but I refused. This was _my_ chance to tell Bella I was sorry. Jasper would just have to snag her some other time and tell her afterwards.

I sighed, then uncrossed and crossed my legs for the umpteenth time because it was a habit of mine whenever I got extremely anxious about things. I wished I was just one of those people who bit their nails or stuttered, but instead, I cross and uncross my legs like crazy and make people think I'm in constant need of using the restroom.

It was thirty minutes past seven, and I was beginning to get really worried. I knew Bella had to have heard my message. I wouldn't blame her if she decided to stand me up, but the thought of it twisted my stomach and made me want to curl into a ball and cry. As much as I love and respect Jasper, I really wish that I had come clean because Bella deserved that much at least.

"Hey, long time no see, pixie!" A voice came from beside me and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Waiting on someone?"

It was Rosalie Hale, one of the waitresses at the Zig Zag café. She knew the three of us very well and always gave us free drinks whenever she was the one to serve our table. I hadn't seen her in a while though since she had to make an urgent trip to Rochester due to a family emergency. I stood up and gave her a hug because it really had felt like it had been too long. "Goodness, Rose, it feels like it's been forever! How have you been? How was New York?"

"It was lovely. I got to see my family I haven't gotten to see in years. My father was really sick for a while, but he's okay now." Her ice blue eyes eyed the untouched cocktail beside my own as she raised a perfectly sculpted brow at me. "Wait a minute. Today's not Friday. Who are you meeting here?"

"Bella. I just need to talk to her about a few things."

"I see," Rosalie mused. "Oh my god!" Her mouth dropped as soon as my engagement ring threw off sparkles in the dim glow of the outdoor lighting. "Don't tell me that's an engagement ring?!"

I nodded and held out my hand so she could examine the band. "Jesus, your lover sure has good taste in diamonds. This must have cost him a hell of a lot," she whistled and released my hand. "So, who's the lucky bastard?"

"Jasper and I are getting married in June. I would have invited you to the engagement party, but I didn't know when you'd be back."

She grinned at me and gave me another hug. "Wow, you and Jasper? I really _have_ been missing out, haven't I? Congratulations to the both of you."

"Thanks, Rose." I smiled once we pulled away. "Do me a huge favor?"

"Hm?"

"Be one of my bridesmaids?"

Rosalie pretended to think about it for a minute, but laughed once I pouted and smiled her gorgeous thousand-watt smile. Why she was a waitress instead of a model on the catwalk always baffled me. "I'd love to be, Alice. I'll talk details with you some other time though, yeah? I've got to go deal with drunken bastards until happy hour's over."

"Good luck," I giggled as she waved me off.

"They tip pretty fucking nicely though. Tell Bella and Jasper I say hello when you get the chance, would you?"

I sat back down once she left with her tray and held my hand out in front of me to examine the ring once again. I couldn't even begin to explain how very scared I was when Jasper handed Bella that small velvet box. Sure, we had been dating, but he could have very well pulled a fast one on me and realized he was in love with her all along. I wanted to be happy that maybe he was going to propose to her, but I couldn't help the tears that were fighting to make their way down my cheeks as I held my breath and watched her carefully.

And when she opened that box and pulled the necklace out instead, I have to admit I was quite relieved. Then, he handed me a velvet box of my own, and I pretty much died and went to Heaven. The proposal was beautiful, the ring was breathtaking, and I was blown away. Everything else completely flew out of my mind and all that remained in the world was him and I in that moment.

After my emotions finally settled back down to earth, I remember asking why he would propose to me in front of Bella like that. If he wanted to hide our relationship for so long, why would he, out of the blue, just come out and ask me to marry him? Because that's how it would've looked to Bella since she was completely unaware of my and Jasper's status.

"Bella is my absolute best friend, Alice," he told me. "She has been there for me ever since I can remember. She's _always_ been by my side for every important event that's ever happened. I wanted her to be there when I popped the question because it's a big thing. And she's a huge part of my life, you know that."

I understood him completely and realized just how much he really did value their friendship when he admitted it to me. It made sense that he didn't want to hurt her or make her feel like a tag-along, third-wheel type of best friend, but I still think it would have been best if we had told her ourselves. I heard someone clear their throat, and I didn't even realize I was staring at the ring so fixedly. My eyes looked up to whoever it was, and I almost leaped across the table.

It was Bella.

* * *

**_End of Chapter Seven_**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I'm prepared this time! I know everyone will be really, really mad at Jasper, but like Erica said, it's inevitable. I give you permission to be mad at him. Just remember that he WILL be fixing his mistakes as the story progresses. For now, yes, he was a jerk for asking Alice to keep it a secret. I'm not anti-Jasper, I promise. I actually love him quite a bit, so I'll make damn sure he gains Bella's respect back. Until then, how about some more of that Edward comfort for her? Yes?

A whole chapter of Bella is coming up next, and it's already in the works, so keep an eye out for it! If anyone has questions or just wants to chat it up, come hang out at the thread for this story! The link is on my profile :)

Nervous about the APOV because I've never done it before. Help me out and tell me your thoughts?

-**_BB  
_**


	8. Knock You Down

**Author's Notes: **I'm back! I'm so sorry for the delay in updates. I was focusing on finals and now that they're finally over, I am back. Yaaay! _**Hello, Stranger **_has not been updated in quite some time, but believe me, I'm working on that chapter vigorously and it should be finished tomorrow or the next day. I'm so sorry once again! But hey, 500 reviews! *Squeals* Thank you so much everyone! I don't think you all realize how very excited it makes me to read and receive your reviews. I love you all!

Voting at the **The Cullen Awards** ends tomorrow, so go cast your votes if you haven't already! I'm up for a few awards, so if you feel I deserve it, go ahead and vote! Like I mentioned before, I'm up against really stiff competition, so I won't mind if I don't win because it's enough to have been nominated :)  
**  
IcelandGirl812** rules at being a beta. She managed to read, correct, and send this chapter back to me in less than twenty-four hours without her laptop! Erica is freakin' amazing, I'm telling you. I laabbss her like you don't even know!

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own Twilight, but sexy ass Edward fucking Cullen owns me. Bwahaa!

* * *

**  
A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Eight;**

_**Knock You Down**_

"_Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down; just get back up when it knocks you down_."

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

My brows furrowed as I hurled my phone halfway across the room in frustration. Alice finally decided to leave a voicemail asking to meet at the usual so she could apologize to me the right way. The last thing I wanted was to listen to something I already knew she was going to say. Couldn't they just leave me alone for a little bit? Wasn't it obvious that I was upset and just wanted time to myself?

Jasper called shortly after. I didn't even have to get up from where I was sitting to know it was him because his ringtone gave it away. If possible, I was even more pissed off at him than I was at Alice. We had known each other for years and never once had we kept secrets from each other. But when it came to the point of him dating someone else, he felt the need to hide it from me? It made me wonder if it had happened in the past. Were there any more girls he had dated behind my back, or any other secrets he was keeping from me?

Damn it all!

I turned my body on my bed and stared at the framed picture of Jasper, Alice, and I at a party from a few years ago. I kept it because even though all of us were drunkenly smiling at the camera, that night still held a special place in my heart. It was the night all of us drank together the first time. It was the night that started our weekly get-togethers on Fridays at the usual.

It was the night, in my opinion, when Jasper and I accepted Alice into our best friend twosome.

_Best friend_.

Suddenly remembering everything that had just went on within the last few hours, I grabbed the frame and forcefully smashed it down so I didn't have to look at it anymore. It was childish of me to do so, and I might have even cracked the glass, but at that moment, I really didn't care.

How could they have done that to me? I knew they felt guilty since they kept calling, but still. How did they manage to look at me for an entire year, knowing that they were lying and yet not losing control of their words even once?

I slapped my arm over my face and forced back all the emotions fighting to break through. I had cried more in the past few weeks than I ever had in my entire life, and it was really beginning to wear me down. I hated feeling so weak and vulnerable and knowing it was my best friends who were the cause. My bottom lip began to quiver, and I forcefully bit down on it, eager to maintain at least some of my fucking dignity. My eyes wandered back to my phone lying on the floor. Alice wanted to talk. Jasper wanted to talk. Everyone just wanted to talk and apologize, and I really wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with hearing why they even lied in the first place.

I groaned and slammed a pillow over my face while trying to ease the ripping ache inside of me. It would be one hell of a long night.

* * *

"You should have seen her when I got back to my parents' place though. She looked like one of those kids on time out. I swear, I should have bought her a cone hat and stuck it on her head or something." Edward shook his head with a laugh and took a sip of his orange juice.

He ended up calling in the morning to see how I was doing because we, apparently, had made it past the two-day mark. Once he asked me to meet him for breakfast, I knew I should have said no. I was a mess, my eyes were swollen, and I had one hell of a headache from all the thinking I had done the night before. I should have realized persistence probably ran in his blood because he didn't give me an option and told me going out would help.

I stabbed at one of my pancakes and sighed, still trying to decide whether or not I'd meet up with Alice to listen to her apology. Regardless of how much I really did want to know why she kept it from me, I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the truth again. "Do you think I should go?"

Edward hummed in thought as he stole a piece of cantaloupe from my plate, ignoring my rants as he popped it into his mouth. "You should. Chew her out for keeping it from you and make her pay for your cocktail. Take advantage of her acting like this. I mean, I got to yell at her and mess up her hair, and she didn't yell at me once. Normally, she'd pounce on me and would probably gouge my eyes out because she's one violent-ass midget."

I laughed at the way he bashed his own sister and swallowed down the food in my mouth.

"Oh, and because she knows you're entirely pissed off at her," he reached into his coat pocket and threw down a huge pile of save-the-dates, "she didn't want to ask you to help her with these, so instead she asked me. _Thanks a lot_, Bella."

"You're so very welcome," I smiled angelically. "I'll help you with them though. Just don't tell her. You'd probably mess something up anyway, and I'd fear for your life if you messed up Alice Cullen's save-the-dates."

"You know, just because I'm a guy, and I'm not the best at picking colors and matching outfits and all that girly hoo-hah, it doesn't mean I'm bad at everything."

"Oh? So, what are you good at then?"

Such a bad question to ask such an insanely attractive guy. I'm sure my face must have turned five different shades of red as soon as that utterly gorgeous crooked grin of his made itself known. To distract myself, I shoved a piece of fruit into my mouth and chewed on it slowly.

"There are a lot of things I'm good at, you know," he chuckled softly. "Like... convincing people to buy my company's shit. Playing piano, I'm really good at that. I can play baseball pretty well. I'm a good runner. I can beat out Emmett in beer pong, surprisingly."

My face slowly must have returned to normal as I listened to him list everything but what I was thinking.

"I've been told I'm a good kisser as well," Edward smiled as he licked some of the fruit's juices off his lower lip. "I could show you sometime, you know, to prove I'm not a complete failure at everything."

I choked on whatever it was I was chewing as he laughed and pushed my glass of water towards me. "I'm kidding! Unless, I mean, you _want_ me to or something." He took one look at the expression on my face and chuckled loudly once again. "Okay, okay, I get it! Sorry, I couldn't resist."

Slowly, my coughing died down as I swallowed down some water to try and alleviate the burn now lingering in my throat. He kept asking if I was okay, and all I could really do was wave him off and let him know it was fine. Edward had been trying to make me feel better and get my mind off of the whole Jasper and Alice thing as often as he could. I was glad and appreciated that he was doing his best to make it easier on me because no one else was even trying.

It was nice to have that sense of comfort.

Once the waiter came and placed our bill in the little leather folder, both of us reached out to grab it. I didn't know how I wasn't able to get it before he did because it was placed closer to me. He smiled and slipped his card into the little flap, waving it around to mock or gloat, I wasn't sure. "Looks like you owe me another non-date, Ms. Swan."

"Do I even have a choice?"

"No, not really."

We both laughed and got up once the waiter brought back Edward's card and a receipt for him to sign. He took me back to my apartment and we made arrangements to go out again sometime in the next week. I walked up the stairs and down the hall of the building, still contemplating whether or not I would go to the usual to meet Alice.

In the entire time I had known Alice, not once had we gotten into a fight that made either of us want to ignore the other for more than an hour or two. I really wasn't sure how she would act if I showed up to listen to her side of the story.

Once I shoved the key into the knob and pushed the door to my apartment open, my heart felt like it had stopped. I could see something on the kitchen counter from where I was standing. Something that was most definitely not there before I left for brunch with Edward. I threw my keys on the floor and walked over, seeing a bouquet of wildflowers and a pink box from a place I knew very well.

I grabbed the card tucked inside of the bouquet and read quietly to myself,

_Jezebels,  
You have every right to be mad at me for however long you choose to be. It was wrong of me, and I realize now that the one thing I was trying to prevent was the one thing I made happen by keeping quiet for so long. I know a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a dozen of those cupcakes you love so much will not change your mind, but I'm hoping you'll at least give me the chance to let you know how very sorry I truly am._

_I used the emergency spare you gave me to get into your apartment because hurting my best friend is one hell of an emergency - at least to me._

_Give me a call when you're ready to talk._

_-Jazz_

I sighed and put the card down on the table, opening the box in curiosity of whether or not he actually remembered what my favorites were. Inside and neatly aligned were three rows of cupcakes. Four lavender, four red velvet, and four triple threat cupcakes.

He got it right.

With another sigh, I picked up the flowers and put them into the empty vase sitting by my phone, filling it with water before I set it back down in its normal spot. Jasper knew me so well. He knew me better than any other person did. He knew my favorite color, that I talked in my sleep, that I hated the smell and sight of blood, my favorite flower, and every other little detail that people tend to ignore when befriending one another.

So how was it that he knew all of that about me, but was absolutely blind to the fact that I was in love with him, and that it'd hurt me beyond belief if he lied to me about dating someone else? How could someone who knew me so well know me so little at the same time?

I grabbed a triple threat cupcake and licked some of the frosting off, smiling in contentment as the flavor lingered on my taste buds. If anything could put a smile on my face, it'd be the chocolate, buttercream frosting on top of Cupcake Royale's moist chocolate cake. I pulled out my phone and pressed the buttons to create a message:

_Jasper sent me flowers and cupcakes. Want some? Haha!_

With a quiet laugh, I pressed send, and the text was on its way to Edward's phone. Within a minute or two, my phone beeped to let me know I had an unread message.

_After what he did, I was expecting more. Cupcake Royale? I might just stop by to swipe one. Alice is nervous as hell, planning to stand her up tonight?_

I thought about it for a minute.

_No. I'll talk to her. Dying to hear why she kept it from me anyway.  
_  
His reply was quick.

_You're not the only one. Better save some of those cupcakes just in case. I'm only a few blocks away if you care to share later, you know. I love me some Cupcake Royale._

I laughed and typed up my response.

_Keep your phone on, I might just call you._

_Then I might just answer. Good luck._

_Thanks, Edward._

* * *

I looked at my cell phone and realized I was more than half an hour late to meet up with Alice. Once I glanced out the window of the taxi, I knew I was already in the area and figured there was no turning back now. After a good pep talk to myself in the mirror and another cupcake or two, I managed to leave my apartment and get into the cab I had called. The cocktails we drank were never enough to make me even slightly drunk since they were drowned in fruit juices and soda and various other things. Tonight would be a different story though. I needed the drinks, and I wasn't willing to risk a DUI because of it.

The cab stopped at the curb in front of the Zig Zag café as I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what was to come. I paid the amount my trip had cost and got out. Once I went to the front, I told the hostess I was looking for an Alice Cullen, and she led me outside to our usual table.

She was staring at that expensive, heart-shaped diamond ring on her finger and didn't even hear me approach the table. I wondered why exactly she was looking at it so longingly and almost hightailed it out of there because it felt like she was showing off.

_Just get it over with, Bella_.

I cleared my throat to pull her out of her thoughts. She turned to me and her big, brown eyes widened at the realization that I was standing in front of her. Without a word, I pulled the chair out and sat myself down, placing my purse behind me as I folded my hands in my lap and waited.

Alice chewed on her lower lip and played with the coaster in front of her. "I, uh, ran into Rosalie a few minutes ago."

I arched a brow, thinking Rosalie would still be in New York for a while. I wanted to ask, but didn't want to make her think she was off the hook. "Oh," I answered lamely instead.

She nodded and shifted awkwardly in her chair. "I told her about the... wedding." We both grimaced at the word. "And errm, asked her to be a bridesmaid. Do you think she'd look good with Em? I'm thinking of having them walk down the aisle together. I mean, they're both really tall and-"

"Alice," I interrupted. "_Stop_ that. Stop rambling about your wedding for one freaking second and tell me why the hell you and Jasper thought it would be a good idea to keep your relationship a secret from me."

The waitress picked that moment to place our drinks down. With a sigh, Alice rubbed her hands on her forehead, and took a deep breath in and then out. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"That's because you _weren't_ thinking, Alice," I berated. "I just don't get it. Why the need to hide it? Why the urge to keep it from me for a whole entire year? What good would have come out of that?"

"We didn't want to hurt you, Bella."

My brows furrowed. "Does me running out of your save-the-date shopping in tears ring a bell?"

Alice flinched slightly at the tone of my voice, and I briefly wondered about whether or not I was being a little too harsh. Those thoughts left my head as soon as I remembered the reason why I was so upset. Lie after lie after lie for one entire year. _Remember that, Bella. Grow some backbone_.

"I'm an idiot, I know," she started, wiping underneath her eyes as she blinked up at the night sky. "Jesus Christ, Bells, I really didn't know it would be like this. When he first asked me out, I wanted to tell you so bad-"

"Then why didn't you?"

"Just let me finish, and you can ask me anything you want later. Please?" Alice pleaded, taking my silence as a confirmation to continue onward. "I wanted to tell you, but Jasper said he didn't want to hurt you by making you feel like a third-wheel or something. And then we were going to tell you a week after, but it got out of hand, and before you know it, I'm blurting it out to some lady I don't even know because I was too caught up in the moment. Please believe me when I tell you I know I'm in the wrong, and that I'm so fucking sorry for it."

She massaged her temples before going on. "And then the whole proposal thing. He told me he wanted you to be there because it was a really big decision for him and that you were there for every important event in his life. But, I also asked if he even considered it coming as a shock to you because you had no idea we were previously dating. And then for him to propose all of a sudden - wouldn't it be weird? He didn't consider that, I guess. I'm sorry, Bella. There's no excuse for what Jasper and I did, I'm so sorry."

I averted my eyes elsewhere because I could just feel the constricting pain making its way back to my heart and the tears prickling the backs of my eyes. After the talk with Edward and the pep talk with myself, I was really beginning to think I could make it through tonight without feeling like my heart had just been run over by a truck.

I was wrong.

This whole fiasco was Jasper's idea.

_He didn't want to hurt you_, she'd said. Jasper asked Alice to keep it a secret because he didn't want to leave me out. Jasper proposed with me being there, thinking he was doing the right thing, and not even knowing how much it would leave me broken because he was so clueless to my feelings.

_Because while you love her with all your heart, my love goes unnoticed and tears me apart._

Jasper was too busy looking the other way to ever notice the way I gazed at him. Too preoccupied with Alice to realize I loved him all along. And too in love with her to be ever, maybe, possibly, in love with me the way I was with him.

And that hurt more than anything because it pretty much finalized the fact that Jasper never did and never would love me in the way I was secretly wishing he would.

_Fuck_. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and told myself to be strong. My apartment was only a ten-minute car ride away. There was no way I was going to break down again and let Alice know just how much this entire situation was affecting me.

"If you don't want to be the maid of honor, or even participate in the wedding at all anymore, I'll understand," Alice sighed, taking a drink from her green colored drink. Probably an apple martini. Those were her favorite. "I'll cry my eyes out, but I'll understand nonetheless."

I slammed my glass down a little too hard, not even taking a sip because her words shocked me. "You think I don't want to be your maid of honor?"

When she didn't answer, it annoyed me further. "Alice, how could you think that? You've been my best friend since we were in college. Yeah, I'm pissed off at you, but that doesn't mean I'd bow out of your wedding because of it. You should know me better than that, what the hell?"

"If I was being the best friend I should have been, I would have told you about Jasper."

I sighed heavily and was really starting to dislike the point this conversation had taken. Alice and I had never had a conversation like this. "Alright, fine, do you want me to take myself out?"

"No!" Alice quickly replied. "I just figured you wouldn't want to be anymore because of this."

I reached over and grabbed Alice's hand in mine. She calmed down slightly as I let out another breath and picked my words carefully. "I'm still going to be in your wedding. But, it doesn't mean that I forgive you because I don't. Not yet, at least. You and Jasper both have to realize that lying about anything to anyone for that long of a period of time is bound to be bad news."

She nodded slowly, releasing her bottom lip from between her teeth. "Are you going to talk to Jazz?"

"I plan on it," I replied, looking at my untouched drink. "Now that I know hiding it was his idea."

Alice was quiet for a bit before she spoke up again. "Bella, can I ask you something?"

I looked at her and nodded my head.

Her hand tightened in mine. "Remember before, when I used to ask you if you had a thing for Jasper?"

My body froze. _Fuck_.

"I used to think that you did. And if you do, or ever did, you need to tell me," Alice said quietly. "I need to know, Bella. Did you, or I mean, were you ever in love with him? With Jasper?"

I absentmindedly stared at the cocktail she bought me, running my finger along the rim as she waited for me to answer her question. There was a part of me that wanted to throw the damned drink in her face for everything she had just admitted to me and walk away with my head held high.

But the other part of me, the more dominant part, the part that loved her unconditionally, would not let me do such a thing. As angry and as hurt as I was, it wasn't all her fault.

She knew all along, but didn't care to ask me. But then, I kept it a secret in fear of it all backfiring on me and ruining the friendship Jasper and I had built. So, who was to blame? Who was the one to point the finger at for making this whole situation so much more complicated? Me for never saying anything or her for knowing, but never confirming?

I shook my head slowly, wondering if she'd catch that. "No, Alice," I started, "I'm not, nor was I ever, in love with Jasper. I've told you that before."

Alice watched as I brought the glass to my lips to take a sip. I would need another drink after telling that big of a lie.

A lie for a lie wasn't going to solve anything. Two damned wrongs didn't make a right, I knew that.

But, they were getting married in June regardless of whether or not I came clean about my feelings for Jasper. Telling him or her wouldn't make him fall out of love. Throwing it out there wouldn't postpone the wedding. Admitting it would not make a difference, and to be absolutely honest, I was much too scared to throw my already messed up heart out there for either of them to damage any further anyway.

It was just easier this way.

And my life needed a little bit of that.

"You're sure...?" Alice asked, scanning my eyes and face for any hint of deceit. "Because I don't want any more secrets between us two."

I shook my head and plastered on the mask I had been working on since Christmas Eve. "I'm sure. Trust me."

She stared at me a while longer before heaving a sigh in defeat and smiling sadly, holding up her drink. "Alright, Bells, if you say so."

We clinked our glasses together, and it wasn't brought up again.

I didn't even know if she bought the lie. We just sat in silence as we sipped at our drinks, letting our spoken words linger in the chilly air around us. There was such a huge wall between our friendship now, and I didn't know how to knock it down, even though I so desperately wanted to. She lied, thinking it wouldn't hurt me, and I lied right back, hoping everything could somehow go back to normal. I didn't want our friendship to become based off lies and false hope.

I'd tell her someday.

When everything fizzled down, and when this whole thing would be long forgotten, I'd tell both of them.

Just not now.

I wasn't ready for now.

* * *

My bed was cool and soft against my skin as I laid in it, wishing I could just fall asleep already. The conversation between Alice and I ended shortly after our second cocktails. I was hoping to drink more to get my mind off of everything, but I just wasn't feeling it.

All I really wanted was to be alone.

I was staring up at the ceiling for who knows how long until I heard my cell phone make a little blip sound. It was a text from Edward.

_Alice looks relieved and is back to being an annoying ass pixie. Assuming everything went well?_

I replied_: I wouldn't say well. I had to lie to her about Jasper. It was his idea to keep it a secret, can you believe that_?

My phone beeped again shortly after. _Holy shit. Give him a Bella Swan beat down_.

With a laugh, I composed my text. _I plan to. And hey, I'm not crying_.

_I told you things would get better. Uh, Alice is nagging me about the save-the-dates. How about I take you to lunch for holding it together, and you help me figure this wedding shit out?_

I rolled my eyes and laughed because it's not like he would have given me a chance to say no anyway. _Lunch sounds good. I'll save some cupcakes for you_.

_Thanks. Pick you up at noon then. Night, Bella_.

_Night, Edward_.

I plugged my phone back into its charger and sighed. It really was nice to have someone like Edward to talk to about everything that I couldn't tell anyone else. He understood me and didn't judge me for being in love with his soon-to-be brother-in-law.

It was comforting.

I figured I could tell him the entire story while we worked on Alice and Jasper's save-the-dates. As much as it had hurt earlier, and regardless of how badly I had wanted to break down and cry, I was fine. I mean, I wasn't over it. But, little by little, it was getting easier for me to pretend it was easier.

Which meant easier just might be around the corner.

And, despite all that I had dealt with a few hours ago, that thought was enough to give me a good night's sleep in hopes that tomorrow would be a better day.

* * *

_**  
End of Chapter Eight**_

* * *

**  
Author's Notes:** For those of you who will be upset with Bella for not being harsher on Alice, just wait until her encounter with Jasper. And for those of you who don't have an account here on FF, I suggest you get one! I ended up disabling anonymous reviews after receiving a bunch of flames regarding this story and my other story Hello, Stranger. I don't know, I guess some people just really don't like me on here. It's okay though, I won't let it get to me!

Cupcake Royale is a real cupcake place in Seattle, WA by the way! And I chose wildflowers to be Bella's favorite flower because they remind me of hers and Edward's meadow. Kinda clever, right? ;) I included a picture of the bouquet and the link to Cupcake Royale's website just for the hell of it, so go ahead and look if you want to!

So, try and guess who's POV will be next! And if you've got any questions or just want to chat with me, head on over to the thread for this story! The link is on my profile :)

I mentioned this already, but go check out _**Not Like This**_ by **pomme_de_terre**, which is only available on Twilighted. It's one hell of a story and the updates are very frequent! Here's the link: http://twilighted(DOT)net/viewstory(DOT)php?sid=4444

Tell me your thoughts because I'd love to hear from you guys!

-_**BB **_(For a certain reviewer who asked, BB stands for **B**urrberry **B**ugsy)_**  
**_


	9. Enough For Now

**Author's Notes:** Thanks to everyone who voted in The Cullen Awards! _**A Little Less Than Before**_ was the runner-up for the Jasper Award! Congratulations to AngstGoddess003 for winning with her story, Wide Awake! I was also runner-up for Best Author, with bronzehairedgirl620 taking first place. I'm humbled to have even been included with such well-known authors, so once again, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart! *points to review count* And for that! Really? Already 720+ reviews? You guys are freakin' awesome! *celebrates*

**IcelandGirl812** is total win. We keep each other up for too many hours talking about random things like Rob Pattinson freaking shirtless (swoon), the fact that I'm too short to reach taco seasoning on shelves, Pop tarts breaking on her bed, and all things water-related to get her to get up. Bwahaa! She checked this chapter over for me and helped me out so much, so you have her to thank for this being posted. I laaabs her and so should you :)

Long chapter warning. So, grab some popcorn and a beverage of your choice and enjoy Jasper getting one torn into him ;)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. But, holy moley, Edward Cullen owns me more than ever now that I have seen him without his shirt.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Nine;**

_**Enough For Now**_

_"Take it on your shoulder till you can find another; That's enough for now, he should have never left you broken."_

* * *

_**Jasper Whitlock**_

I know I should've waited maybe, what, a week? A week to let Jezebels be pissed off at me. But I just couldn't stand us not talking. I wasn't used to it; I fucking hated it. I should have run after her, but I was frozen in place because Alice and I had gotten caught in the lie _I_ initiated.

And when Edward ran after her before I could even get my feet to move... damn. I wanted to yank him back and tell him it was _my_ job to make sure she was alright, but fuck me sideways, I stayed there because I didn't think I could handle looking at her while realizing her pain was my fault. So, I didn't stop him. I let him run after her because I couldn't and instead just waited until she'd calmed down.

I called and called and called because I was a coward. I was an idiot for ever deciding to keep it a secret. I figured it'd be for the best, but I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.

Since she wouldn't answer my calls, I decided to pay her a visit with a bouquet of her favorite flowers and a dozen of those high-calorie cupcakes she always used to get during our breaks at Seattle U. When she didn't answer, it was obvious she wasn't home. So, I let myself in, left the peace offerings on her kitchen counter and left her a note, hoping she wouldn't just throw it all away even though I kind of had a feeling she would.

She never called me back to tell me whether or not she liked it. I even asked Alice, but she said Bella never mentioned anything about cupcakes or flowers when they went to the usual.

Without me.

Alice told me it'd be better if I didn't come along so it didn't seem like we were teaming up on her. I agreed because it was true.

And now I was standing in front of Bella's door, like an underage teen who'd just come home from one long ass night of drinking, nervous as hell and afraid of what could be waiting behind the goddamned door. Furious Bella, I can handle. Hyper Bella, fine.

But, Sad Bella, fuck. Sad-because-Jasper-is-an-inconsiderate-moron Bella, fuuuuuck.

If one thing could make me feel like a total dick, it'd be Jezebels' tears. She's been my best friend since I was seventeen years old, and the only thing she'd ever asked of me is that I be honest with her at all times. That's it. That's _it_! And I couldn't even do that!

I slammed my head on the wall opposite her door. What in the world was I even hoping to accomplish by being all secretive? With a sigh, I let my knuckles rest against her door without actually knocking. Jezebels had every right to be mad. Every reason to hate me. And even though she pretty much had my permission to be pissed, I couldn't stomach the thought. Couldn't stomach the thought of her slamming the door in my face as I begged for her to forgive me.

The one thing I wanted was for Bella and I to stay friends. I never meant to hurt her. I was actually trying to prevent that, but look. Look! God.

I kept sighing, and almost knocking, and slamming, and debating, and then sighing again. I quickly thought that maybe it would have been better if I came with another peace offering, but I didn't think my pride would handle it too well if she ended up throwing the flowers back in my face because of the asshat that I am.

Suck it up, Jasper. Suck. It. Up.

The voice in the back of my head that was telling me to man-the-fuck-up won as I inserted my spare key into the lock. If Jezebels wasn't home, I'd leave her a note. Part of me was actually kind of hoping she wasn't home, but I threw that thought away because then I'd still be a coward.

And I didn't want to be a coward.

Her place was quiet and when I looked over into the kitchen, I saw the wildflowers sitting in a vase on her counter. I smiled because she didn't throw them away like I thought she would. It made me curious as to whether or not she kept the cupcakes, so I sauntered over to her fridge to see for myself.

"What the hell!" A loud shriek came from the other side of the room and before I could register what in the hell was going on, a hairdryer came in contact with the back of my head. "Get out!"

I groaned and rubbed the back of my head, turning to Bella to let her know it was just me and not some random burglar trying to steal her appliances because, well, that's pretty much all she had in her kitchen. "It's just me, Jezebels!" I defended.

She screamed again as I turned to her while she covered herself up. "I know! Why are you here? Why didn't you knock?"

I arched a brow, catching a glimpse of what was underneath her robe. "_What_ are you wearing?"

Her face turned red with anger as she fumed, "Excuse me?"

With a sigh, I pointed to the purple lingerie set she had on. I remembered going with her and Alice when they bought it because they made me hold the bags. I tried not to picture how Alice would look in a Victoria's Secret get-up because it was too much of a distraction, and I really didn't want Jezebels thinking I was a pervert who got off seeing his best friend half naked. "That. Why are you wearing that? Tell me you're planning to put more on?"

Bella huffed and threw the slipper on her foot at me, but I caught it. "Are you kidding me?! My hair is wet, I threw a hairdryer at you, and I'm in my underwear. Did you ever think that maybe I was getting ready to go out or something? Now, leave!"

While I stood there trying to figure out where she could be going and who she could be going with to wear something like that underneath, she clunked me in the head with her other slipper. "Jezebels, calm down! Stop throwing shit at me!"

She crossed her arms and stared at me angrily. Ah, fuck. I thought I could handle Furious Bella, but she was scary as hell when she got pissed off.

I ducked when a book I bought her a few years ago came flying my way.

And apparently, she liked to throw things.

It kind of hurt me that she threw it because she was in love with it when I first got it for her. It was a first edition, too. But given the situation and the hole I had dug myself into, I guess I understood where she was coming from.

"You come into my apartment without knocking, look through my fridge without permission, see me in my underwear, proceed to ask me _why_ I'm wearing underwear, and you're telling me to calm down?" Bella spat, tying her robe at the waist so she could place her hands on her hips. "And don't even get me started on that one-year shit, Jasper Whitlock!"

"That's what I came here to talk to you about," I said.

"Then don't ask me why I'm wearing this if you came to talk to me about something else!" she yelled, throwing her key-holding little dish thing at me. "Speaking of which, you are a fucking prick. The biggest asshole ever! Do you know that?"

"Yes, I am. You're right." She _was_ right. There was no better way to describe me for doing what I did. "And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? You're _sorry_?!" Bella grabbed a bigger book and hurled it at my shoulder. Then, she tossed a paperweight that was in the shape of a heart and that she and Alice had gotten on sale. I made a reminder to myself to sign her up for a kickboxing class to channel all her anger towards. "I thought it was Alice. I seriously thought it was her. I never would have imagined _you_ would be the one to start all this."

I held my hands up in defense as soon as she grabbed the next closest thing to her. It was a picture frame with a picture of her and I in it, and I knew that if that hit me in the head, it would hurt. "I did it because I didn't want to hurt you. I thought that if you found out Alice and I were dating, it would change things between the three of us. It's not just you we didn't tell, Jezebels, we didn't tell anyone."

She threw the frame before I could duck, and it hit me in the area right between my eyes. I was right, too. It fucking hurt! I groaned and tried to relieve some of the ache by massaging the throbbing skin. "Jez-"

"Why do you guys keep saying that? _We didn't want to hurt you_," she mocked. "The hell? You think this is any better? Me finding out the way I did, was that what you wanted?"

"No!" I barely dodged the remote control she hurled my way.

"Did you think the flowers and cupcakes would make me feel better, Jasper? They made me feel worse! It was just a reminder of how much you know about me, but how little you understand my emotions. How could you think that by hiding it, it'd hurt me less? Even if you told me a week after, days after, it still would have hurt all the same. We're best friends. Best friends don't do that to each other!"

She shook her head and continued. "God, eight years, Jasper! We've been friends for _eight_ years. Never once, never _once_ did we keep anything from each other. You are an ass!"

I hadn't even noticed that in the time she was yelling, she had moved closer to where I was standing. Her eyes were beginning to tear up and, Jesus Christ, I felt horrible all over again. I would have rather had her throw every single goddamn thing in her apartment at me than to see her cry over something that I did.

I reached out to her, to hold her so I could repeat over and over how sorry I was, but she slapped my hands away.

And she wasn't Sad Bella anymore.

Her hand came at me full force and took me by complete surprise. I blinked in shock, and the rising sting of where her palm collided with my cheek began to throb. My best friend just slapped me. She's _never _slapped me, ever. I chanced a glance into her eyes and saw no tears. Every trace of sadness had vanished within those few seconds and was replaced with fury.

"The whole story," Bella glared at me. "Give me your side of the whole story."

"Starting from?"

"From the beginning. From when I first introduced you to Alice. The truth this time, Jasper."

So, I told her. I told her how attracted I was to Alice the first time I laid eyes on her. How she was the complete opposite of what I'd ever go for but couldn't help myself anyway. I told Bella how I couldn't keep it to myself anymore after a while, and how I ended up asking Alice to be my girlfriend. How it was entirely my fault that this was hidden because Alice actually wanted to get it out there. I told her my intentions seemed good at the time because I didn't ever consider how it'd be if we got caught in the lie. We had always planned to tell her, but it just kept getting pushed aside. I told Bella I never wanted to hurt her. That that was the very last thing I ever wanted to do.

And when I finally looked back at her instead of at the floor or the wall, my heart dropped into my stomach.

The tears had come back, and her bottom lip was stuck between her teeth, her fists clenched. _Oh, god_. I had a feeling she was going to punch me for keeping my feelings about Alice a secret, too. It's not that I wanted to hide it from Jezebels, it's just that it was something I kept to myself for a while to avoid ruining anything between the three of us. Bad decision? Probably. "Jezebels-"

And then she became my biggest fear.

She was Sad Bella and Furious Bella at the same time. With a huff of annoyance, she grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and smacked me in the face with it. I yelled out in slight pain because Alice just _had _to pick those firm throw pillows for her since they matched instead of comfortable ones that didn't.

"God, men are so _stupid_!" Bella spat with watery eyes as she threw a pair of shoes at me. "You don't understand anything about anything!"

I began to panic when she grabbed a potted plant off the top of her bookshelf because if she threw that at me, I'm pretty sure I'd end up with one hell of a bruise and possibly even be hospitalized for a concussion. "Isabella, put that down."

She raised a brow and gripped the pot tighter. "You never call me Isabella."

"Because you've never threatened to throw a potted plant at my face!"

"Because you've never lied to me before now!"

Again, I felt my heart pang at the pain I heard in her voice. This wasn't about plants, or what she was throwing, or even me dating Alice. This was about our _friendship_, and how badly I just might have screwed things up because of the decisions I made. I wish I could go back in time and redo everything all over again. I never meant to hurt her. I never, ever wanted to.

But, that's exactly what I did.

There was no one to blame, no one to point the finger at, except myself.

The one person I promised I would never let down was the one person I disappointed the most.

And, that tore me up inside because nobody deserved that.

Jezebels, more than anyone, didn't deserve any of that.

"So, what, not only did you lie to me for a year about your guys' relationship, but you also lied to me for four because you never even told me you had feelings for her!"

Shit. I didn't even realize that. God, could I be any more of a dick? "I'm so sorry, Bella." I didn't know what else to say.

That seemed to piss her off, and she hurled the pot directly at me. I ducked in the nick of time and heard it smash against the wall, and surprisingly, a chuckle right after.

I turned to where the plant had been thrown and realized Edward was standing in the doorway where I'd left it wide open.

His green eyes shifted between the broken pot and the scattered things Bella had thrown. "Did I pick a bad time?"

.

.

_**Edward Cullen**_

Normally, I'd wait for Bella outside her apartment building because I wasn't sure how she'd react if I went and picked her up at her actual room. But the part of me that was eager to see her demanded I surprise her with something out of the ordinary - myself.

I ended up stopping by Cupcake Royale so I didn't show up empty handed. I know I should have gotten her flowers or chocolates, but I was slightly rusty at the wooing a woman thing, and didn't want her to think I was trying to replace Jasper or something.

There were a variety of cupcakes to choose from, and even though I knew she most likely still had leftovers, I wanted her to know Jasper wasn't the only guy who could make an effort to impress her. Instead of a dozen, I decided to get her just one. I thought carefully and after minutes of deliberation, I went with a Triple Threat cupcake. I'm not sure which flavor was her favorite, but at least she would know I tried.

The cashier placed the cupcake in a small, pink box with their logo sticker to use as a seal, and I was off. As I drove in silence to Bella's apartment, I couldn't help the curiosity coursing through me as I thought about what could have possibly been said between her and my sister.

More than anything, I wanted to know why Alice and Jasper kept it from her. Too many theories were forming in my head, so I pushed them aside. The only way I'd find out was if either of the girls told me, and that was just a topic one shouldn't be nosy about. If they wanted to tell me, they would.

I walked up the stairs with Bella's single cupcake in hand as I tried to recall which room was hers. It was dark the last time I had walked through this same hallway, so it was a bit more difficult to remember.

"Speaking of which, you are a fucking prick. The biggest asshole ever! Do you know that?"

I arched a brow at the voice that I instantly recognized as Bella's. She sounded pissed - beyond pissed, actually.

"You're sorry?!"

Yikes. She was definitely tearing a new one into whoever it was she was on the phone with. It made me wonder if it was Alice. Things seemed fine, but then again, things can happen.

Her door was wide open, and I contemplated whether or not I should walk in or just wait by the door. Then, I heard a crash against something and immediately worried about whether or not she was alright. Without hesitation, I ran to her door and peered inside, my jaw nearly dropping to the floor at what I was seeing.

Bella was definitely pissed off. I didn't even hear Jasper before and couldn't comprehend what she was screaming as she threw a pair of shoes at him because... wow. I wanted to look away and respect her privacy, but with what she was wearing - or, _not_ wearing, rather - it just wasn't possible.

Her silky-looking, white robe had fallen open, giving me view of her lingerie-clad body. The purple bra hugged her upper curves divinely and the lacy panties let me have access to a good look at her long, bare legs. When my perverted eyes finally managed to make their way back to her heated face, I noticed she was flushed and her hair was damp and fanned across her shoulders.

Which brought another visual to my head. Bella just getting out of the shower. Bella _in_ the shower. Bella in the shower with _me_. Bella in the shower with me as our -

Fuck! No, no, NO.

Five-minute Edward was coming back, and it took every bit of my willpower to avert my eyes and think of anything and everything that was _not_ sexy to placate my raging desire. I thought of those guys at the gym who were confident enough to run shirtless with beer bellies. I thought of that one secretary back in Chicago who tried to seduce me with lipstick on her teeth. I thought of those girls who kissed like they were vacuums. I thought of Emmett lifting weights. I thought of Alice shopping.

Phew.

I flinched when she threw the potted plant against the wall and tried hard not to laugh out loud at the look on Jasper's face. He looked so terribly afraid of this woman who was so much smaller than him, and it really was freaking hilarious. It was a failed attempt on my part, and I ended up chuckling loud enough for each of them to hear.

When they both turned to me shocked, I looked at the broken pot and then at the books on the floor. "Did I pick a bad time?"

"Does my apartment just _scream_ break and enter? Does anyone ever knock anymore?" Bella sighed angrily, crossing her arms.

"The door was already wide open, so does that count as breaking and entering?" I asked.

Jasper furrowed his brows at me before turning back to an infuriated Bella. "Jezebels, I think you should go put something on."

And then Bella's anger melted away and was replaced with shyness. She squeaked and pulled her robe together before shuffling to her room as I smiled to myself. Fucking adorable.

With a laugh, I picked up some of the books on the floor. "Jesus, what happened?" I stood up at the same time he did and saw a huge red mark in the space between his eyebrows and his forehead. "Ouch."

"I've never seen her that pissed off," Jasper sighed with a shake of his head.

"Well, what exactly did you say that pissed her off so much?"

He rubbed the reddened skin and picked up the now broken picture frame I'm assuming Bella hurled at him. "I told her everything. I said I was sorry about keeping it a secret and because I didn't want any more between us, I told her that I've also had feelings for your sister since I first met her."

The heart-shaped paperweight and the key dish fell out of my hands and back to the floor as I registered what he had just told me. "Wait a minute. You've had feelings for Alice for, what like, four years? And you never told Bella?"

Jasper looked over at me with a sad smile and once again shook his head. "Stupid, right?"

"Hell yeah it was stupid!"

He arched a brow at the tone I was using as he set the remote control back on the coffee table. "I apologized."

God, if only he knew... Why in the name of fuck would he tell her something like that? I shook my head and tried to calm down. Jasper didn't know anything about Bella's feelings. He was so blind to what was right in front of him it was sickening. I wanted to grab him and shake him and tell him he was the reason why I couldn't take Bella out on real dates, the reason why I held back so much with her. She wasn't ready for that, and it was all because of this complicated ass circle between him, her, and my sister.

"Just because you apologized to her, doesn't mean everything is okay again."

Jasper slammed the book onto her coffee table a little too hard. "What exactly would _you_ know about Jezebels anyway? You haven't even know her that long. What, like, two weeks and already you're some kind of an expert with her feelings?"

"Ha, if only you knew," I muttered quietly, wary of the broken glass on the floor.

"What was that?" he questioned. "You may know women, Edward, but you don't know Bella the way I do. So don't piss me off by trying to act like you know her better."

I turned to him, eager to maintain my anger because the last thing I wanted was to piss Bella off further. "I never said I knew Bella better than you did. If you would just open your eyes, maybe you could understand where I'm coming from."

Jasper squinted his grayish-blue eyes at me, and I briefly wondered if I had just blown Bella's entire story. Fuck. Fuck!

"Alice swears up and down that you and Jezebels would be good together, but I just don't see it." He laughed humorlessly. "At least I was honest with her even though it pissed her off."

Calm down, Edward. Calm down. This is your sister's fiancé. Bella's best friend. Calm. The. Fuck. Down.

"You've gone out with her how many times now, and I'm guessing you haven't said one word about how many women you've messed around with. Five-minute Edward, right? I've heard the stories. If it's in your past, why can't you tell her?"

"Look-"

"And what about Tanya Denali? Did you forget she's here in Seattle? Ever tell Jezebels about that?"

I saw red as soon as that name fell from his lips and as I was about to tear him a new one myself, Bella's bedroom door opened. She came out in a dark green, fitted, Seattle U sweater and jeans as she eyed the both of us carefully.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

"No," we both answered in unison. I shot a glare at Jasper and wondered about whether or not he'd be enough of an ass to tell her himself. I was planning to tell Bella as soon as everything with Jasper blew over.

"Jasper, why are you still here?" Bella questioned, straightening out the items atop the coffee table. "You should have already been gone."

"Jezebels, I said I was sorry. Please-"

I flinched when she reflexively threw whatever it was she was holding at Jasper.

"That is the problem with you men," she seethed. "You think that just because you can say you're sorry that everything will go back to normal. That we can act like this never happened just because you tore your nuts off for one quick second to let me know you feel bad about what you did. Let me put it this way: I accept your apology, but you are not forgiven."

The aroma that smelled so much like Bella filled the room. That's when I realized it was a perfume bottle, of all things, she had thrown at Jasper. It opened when it knocked him in the chest and fell to the floor where it broke into a mess of shattered glass.

Jasper wiped at his now dampened shirt and groaned. "I get it, you want me to leave. I'm sorry, Jezebels. Really, I am." He shot me a quick, daggered glare that I'm sure Bella didn't quite catch. "Call me later, if you want."

We watched as he avoided the mess on the floor and exited while closing the door behind him.

Bella let out a heavy sigh and plopped herself down onto the couch, burying her face in her hands as she groaned in aggravation. "I'm sorry, Edward. For everything. I didn't mean for you to see all of that."

"What, you mean you and your purple panties?" I chuckled as she blushed more than I'd ever seen before. "Don't ever apologize for being in lingerie. I quite enjoyed that."

"You just saw me have the biggest fight I've ever had with my best friend of eight years, and all you can think about is my underwear?" Bella laughed before burying her face in her hands again. "I'm so embarrassed."

I tried to get a grip on the desperate side of me that was so turned on by angry, lingerie-clad Bella. Then, I remembered my small gift for her that was sitting on the table where she wasn't looking. I grabbed the pink box and sat down on the couch next to her, nudging her with my elbow. "You know, I got something for you before I came here."

"I hate gifts," she replied simply, her face still lost beneath her palms.

"It's a small one," I chuckled, poking her lightly with the edge of the box. "Cost me less than five bucks."

Bella sighed and arched a brow once she saw the Cupcake Royale box. "I have plenty left, you know."

"I know," I agreed. "But I also know that you like them and wanted to prove that Jasper's not the only guy who's capable of getting you something nice."

She laughed and opened the box, blinking in silence at what was inside. "You cheater."

"What?"

"You totally cheated!"

I was genuinely confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You asked Jasper and Alice what my favorite kind was, didn't you?"

I smiled to myself. "Is that your favorite?"

"Yes."

"I guessed all on my own. I swear."

With an authentic grin, she shook her head and swiped her finger across the top of the Triple Threat cupcake, popping it into her mouth as she sighed contentedly. "I love the frosting. It's the best part."

She wasn't exactly making it easy for me. I looked away because I knew if I continued to ogle her, I'd end up shoving her down and ravaging her on the very couch we were sitting on.

We couldn't have that. I mean, I _wanted_ that, but we couldn't have that.

I stood up and focused on all the unsexy things my mind had come up with prior to her licking the frosting. "Ready to go?"

* * *

Bella told me the entire story of how it went with Alice the previous night and how she handled things with Jasper right before I walked in. In all honesty, I thought it would have been the other way around. I figured she'd go Bitchy Swan on Alice and then cut Jasper some slack because, well, she was in love with the guy.

I still couldn't believe he'd never once told Bella about how he was attracted to Alice from the very beginning. I'm sure if he told her that, or if Alice brought it up, Bella would have gotten over it so much easier. My eyes rolled involuntarily at his blindness.

"You look like you clocked him pretty good though. You see his forehead?"

Bella cringed slightly. "I feel kind of bad about that one. I threw a picture of us at his face." She shoved a forkful of romaine lettuce into her mouth before chewing it and swallowing it down. "And the perfume bottle I threw at him... I really liked it. I wish I hadn't wasted it."

I laughed and took a bite from the huge burger I ordered. "I never thought you'd actually throw so much at him. You should have seen his face. It was pretty hilarious."

"I didn't mean to. But, I walked out of my room and there he was snooping through my fridge. And, I had just gotten out of the shower! I had a reason to panic, didn't I?"

Bella just getting out of the shower... Bella _in_ the shower...

"Edward?"

Bella in the shower with me... Bella in the shower with me as our bodies caress up against one another -

"Edward."

I snapped out of my shower visual and internally cursed myself for letting my perverted thoughts get the best of me, again. I took another big bite of my burger and focused on the unsexy thoughts I was getting so sick of. "Yeah, I think today's a nice day, too."

She arched a brow at me. "What are you talking about?"

"Didn't you say you liked the weather today?"

"No," Bella snorted and laughed. "I was saying I had a reason to panic when Jasper waltzed in unannounced."

Fuck. "Sorry, this burger is sending my brain elsewhere."

"Uh huh."

I tried to get our conversation back to the point it was at before I started hallucinating inappropriate images, and we ended up talking just as easily and as casually as we always did. When the bill came around, the waitress automatically handed it to me, much to Bella's dismay. I paid for both our meals and decided to go back to her place to work on the save-the-dates since my apartment was still a cluttered mess of unopened boxes and such.

When we were in the car, I brought up Jasper again. "So, why didn't you just tell him? Maybe if you told him, things would be easier."

Bella turned to me, apparently flabbergasted by my suggestion. "Tell Jasper I was secretly in love with him for eight years? And then what, Edward? I mean, even if Jasper did feel the same way, that means Alice would call off the entire wedding. There is no way I'm going to have that riding on my shoulders."

I put on my left turn signal and waited for the stoplight to turn green. "Well, what if he didn't feel that way? Wouldn't it at least be relieving for you to tell him and just have him know?"

She was quiet and all that could be heard was the clicking sound of my blinker. I was about to apologize when she spoke up again.

"I just... don't think I can handle him saying something like 'I love you, but...', you know?" She shook her head. "Or, 'That is flattering, but...'. I guess you could just say I'm a coward."

I cringed at her thinking she was a coward of all things. "Bella, you are anything but a coward. Do you know how hard it would be for someone to do what you're doing right now? The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. And you do it every single day without breaking down in front of them because you care so much."

From my peripherals, I could see Bella turn to me as I kept my focus on the road ahead. "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You staying in the wedding regardless of everything that's happened proves that more than anything."

Her eyes softened once I finally made eye contact with her, and she gave me a sad smile. "Thank you. I wish I saw myself the way you do."

"I wish you saw yourself the way I see you, too."

There was a sudden change in the atmosphere inside my Volvo. A change that I wasn't sure either of us was ready for. I hated the thought of ruining the moment, but I had to. "I still think you should tell him."

She rolled her eyes and turned up the radio. "Thanks, but no thanks."

"Want me to tell him for you?"

"No!" Bella immediately answered. "Then he'll just be all pissy that I told you and not him first!"

"You didn't _tell_ me. I found out on my own, remember?"

Her brows furrowed. "Smart ass."

"Thanks. I graduated from Northwestern with a 3.8."

She hit me playfully with a snort. "I didn't ask."

We stopped by my parent's house to pick up the list of names we were to write on the envelopes from Alice. She insisted on helping, but I denied because that would interrupt the time I wanted with Bella. It wouldn't be too hard of a task anyway. All we had to do was write the names and addresses on the envelopes and fold the save-the-dates where the creases were. Easy enough. When Alice asked how I was planning on doing it all on my own since she didn't know Bella was going to help, I simply gave her my crooked grin and told her I had it covered.

"You know," I started as I climbed back into the car. "These could be your save-the-dates if you just spoke up."

"Are you insisting on me ruining your sister's wedding, Edward Cullen?"

"I'm merely suggesting you make Jasper aware of your feelings for him, Isabella Swan."

"It would ruin everything."

"You don't know that."

"_You_ don't know that," she repeated.

"That's why you should just tell him. Then we'll both find out."

Her brows furrowed as we continued our stare down in the driveway of Carlisle and Esme's place. "Stop telling me to tell him."

"Make me," I said sweetly.

Then her lips made this cute little pout, and I wanted more than anything to grab her face and kiss her because I was still having a difficult time trying to push those shower-induced thoughts from my head. _Get it together, Cullen_!

"You are definitely related to Alice," she sighed.

"Oh? What makes you say that?"

"You're both so stubborn."

"I wouldn't be stubborn if you would just tell Jasper how you feel so I stop wondering."

"Would you stop? It's starting to get on my nerves."

"You should kiss me then. That would shut me up, wouldn't it?" Fuck! FUCK. The words came out before I could get my brain filter to work, and I immediately regretted them. I parked on the curb and stayed where I was until Bella made it clear that I was still invited into her apartment.

"You surprise me more and more every day, Edward," Bella laughed as she climbed out of the car. And I thanked all that was holy for her brushing it off as if it were nothing. Last thing I wanted to do was ruin any slim chance I might have had because of my hormones.

Together, we walked up the flight of stairs while I continued to poke jabs at her about Jasper. She just kept shaking her head and giggling, so I knew she wasn't mad in the slightest bit. Maybe I could actually go somewhere with this if I tried hard enough.

"Did you ever think that you were being somewhat of a hypocrite? You fault Alice and Jasper for lying to you, but you're doing the same thing right back."

She huffed. "If I blurted it out, what good would that bring any of us?"

"Closure, perhaps?" I insisted, knowing I was pushing her buttons.

"Edward, please, just stop. I don't want to think about it, and it'd really help if you just stopped berating me to get it out there."

Time to try again. "That's why I was saying, you know, if you give me a kiss, I'll stop. I won't disappoint you. I'm a good kisser, remember?"

Bella shrugged. "I wouldn't know."

"Then, don't you want to find out?"

She turned to me with slightly flushed cheeks, and that alone gave me my answer. It didn't matter that she couldn't say yes, or that she wouldn't admit to it. All that mattered was that she fucking _blushed_ at the thought of kissing me, and that definitely meant something.

"You're blushing. You want to kiss me," I laughed.

Her hand fumbled with her keys as she tried to get the door to her apartment open. "I'm not blushing, it's just a little warm."

"Because I'm here?"

She shoved her door open and stepped inside as I followed right after. "You know, you are the only Cullen who can make me laugh one second and then have me insanely pissed off the next," Bella poked her finger into my chest. "It's a wonder. You should be _so_ proud of yourself."

"I am," I replied with a crooked grin, finding it humorous when she huffed in annoyance. "Didn't I tell you? I live to aggravate Bella Swan. Is it working? Are you going to tell him?"

She threw her hands into the air and screamed in frustration. "If I fucking kiss you, will you shut up and just _let it go_?"

I considered it for a moment. "It has to be a good kiss."

"Why does it matter anyway? A kiss is a kiss."

"I'm not letting you off that easily, Swan. You could easily barely peck my lips, and the deal would be settled. I'm talking a full-on kiss that you have to let me initiate."

"And then you'll shut up about the Jasper thing?" Her brows furrowed, and I knew she was giving in. Hell, yeah.

"Yes, I'll shut up. But it has to be an actual kiss."

"You and I haven't even hugged, and you all of a sudden want me to kiss you?"

Taking her by surprise, I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, inhaling her strawberry-scented hair that made the shower visuals come rushing back. "There. We hugged."

"Why are you so eager to kiss me anyway?"

I shrugged. "Maybe I like your lips."

She stared at me with that same blush growing into an even darker shade of red. "We haven't even known each other that long."

"I'm not asking for anything more than a kiss," I offered innocently. "People go to clubs and kiss people they've only known for two minutes. You and I have known each other for half of a month. I have a point, do I not?"

Her fingers went up to her temples as she massaged them because of the aggravation that I'm sure I was causing her. "I don't think I'm a good kisser."

"But, I am. Just one kiss, Bella. And then I'll shut up."

She contemplated her thoughts for a minute, rocking back and forth on her heels before heaving a sigh of defeat. I tried to contain the urge to grin like a madman once she dropped her hands at her sides and looked up at me with her big brown eyes. "...Fine, Edward. You win."

All was silent as we stood together in Bella's hallway. I could tell she just wanted to get it over with, so I made the first move and cradled her heart-shaped face between my hands, noticing she let out a breath I didn't even realize she was holding.

"It's only a kiss, Bella," I whispered, moving my face an inch closer to hers. "And then I'll stop nagging you about Jasper."

"Thank god," she breathed with a laugh, smiling up at me. "Though I'm sure you definitely enjoy it, Mr. I-live-to-aggravate-Bella-Swan."

"Hey, whatever works right?"

"Will you just get it over with?"

I laughed at her impatience and closed the distance between us, finally feeling her full, soft lips mold with my own. I would be the one in control of the kiss, I'd made that clear. After I got over the incredible feeling of her mouth simply pressed against mine, I moved my lips slowly, and she followed my lead. My head involuntarily tilted slightly to gain better access while my traitorous hand trailed down the length of her neck, stopping precisely at the back of it to push her a bit closer.

My other hand made its way to her waist as I gently sucked on her bottom lip, tasting the sweetness I craved without pushing it too far.

The kiss finally ended with me being at a loss for words and breath. She inhaled through her nose and sighed softly, pushing my shoulder lightly as she walked past me and into the kitchen. I stared at her retreating form in utter shock. Was she really not going to say anything about that fan-fucking-tastic kiss we had just shared, or did she just dislike it that much?

"Are you going to help me or not?" she called from the living room while waving those damned save-the-dates in the air.

She wasn't going to say anything.

I never really considered the fact that if I ever kissed her, she probably would only be thinking about one person who was definitely not me.

I was no Jasper.

It's not like part of the deal was for her to enjoy it. I just said it had to be a good kiss, which it was.

I wanted to believe that maybe Bella had some attraction towards me, but it really was very hard to tell with the way she acted. So instead of wracking my brain for an answer I knew I wouldn't figure out, I walked into the living room and sat beside her as we laid the envelopes and cards out.

The kiss wasn't mentioned again as we laughed and shared the cupcakes Jasper had given her while scribbling name after name in the comfort of her apartment. Like I promised, I shut up about her confessing and talked about everything but the wedding.

It took us longer than I thought because of how often we kept joking around about the names of the guests and their addresses. Someone once told me that if you ever were to be a porn star, you'd take the name of your first pet and stick it in front of your street name. So just for the hell of it, we thought up every friend's pet names we could think of to go with some of the addresses on the list.

"Tootsie Kyra," Bella held up the envelope, and we both laughed.

"Nemo Bourbon."

"Gigi Whipple."

I don't remember seeing Bella laugh that much, so I was glad to know our porn name jokes were able to make her feel better about her previous encounter with Jasper. After one too many hours and a hell of a lot of check-up calls from Alice, we were finally finished. I smiled in triumph at the stack of ready-to-send save-the-dates and grabbed them before I headed out the door.

Bella was nice enough to walk me out to the actual entrance of her apartment complex, rather than just her door or the elevator. We made it there all too soon, and it was time to call it a night and say goodbye. She stayed at her place on top of the three small steps that led to the apartment entrance, standing almost as tall as me.

"Well, Edward, I'm sure Alice and Jasper will be thrilled to find out their save-the-dates are all ready to be sent out."

"And of course, it's all thanks to me," I joked, chuckling when she punched my chest lightly. "Want me to let Alice know you helped?"

"I don't want her thinking she's off the hook," she said. "But you _can_ tell her I supervised you."

"Done."

The both of us just kind of stood there before she cleared her throat and gave me a small wave. "Well, I had fun today, Edward. Thanks for cheering me up."

"My pleasure." I watched as she smiled and turned the other way to walk back into her building.

_Do it, Edward_!

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Wait."

Bella turned her head slightly, arching a brow at my sudden demand. "What?"

I knew I should have just shut up and walked to my car because she was definitely going to say no. More than anything, I knew she was clearly still in love with Jasper and there was no reason for me to try and push her. _She's going to say no. She's going to fucking say no_.

But I asked anyway. "Can I," I paused, "kiss you goodnight?"

I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe another punch in the chest or more of her bickering at how much I was able to aggravate her. I expected her to laugh at me and tell me to go home. The answer I received was definitely not the answer I thought I'd get.

"Okay."

* * *

_**End of Chapter Nine**_

* * *

**Author's Notes:** *ponders* Hmmmm. Hmm. Anyone sense Edward falling for our ever so dearest Bella? Anyone sense that, maybe, this is where _his_ angst will begin? Yes, I said it. Edward will have his own sense of heartfail in this story, too. It's not all about Bella. You see Tanya mentioned? She's a big reason why. Another big reason? Bella is not over Jasper, remember? It hurts me already to think of writing it in EPOV. I'd ask you all to comfort Beforeward for what's to come, but Erica called dibs a long time ago. Sorry! :P

Speaking of Erica, many thanks to her for giving me ideas of what to throw when in a living room pissed off, HAHAHA! She came up with the picture frame, the key holder, the paperweight, and the perfume. Isn't she brilliant? Yes, I think so, too. *dances*

I know _**Hello, Stranger**_ hasn't been updated in 3+ weeks. I'm getting to that, really I am, I promise. I'm just going through... personal issues regarding it, but I haven't abandoned it. I promise, I haven't. Just be patient with me?

I'd love to hear from all of you. And, go check out the thread! I post up teasers, you know! The link is on my profile :)

-**_BB_**


	10. You Give Me Something

**Author's Notes: **Sorry for taking long with this chapter. I promise I won't make you wait so long for the next. Especially since this one ends with a cliffy. Teehee, I'm evil, I know. Sorry. But, HOLY! *stares at review count* Almost 900 already?! You guys are fantastic! I can't even believe it! Thank you so much! *happy dance*

HUGE thanks to Erica (**IcelandGirl812**) for getting this done for me in less than an hour of when I sent it to her. Praise her everyone. She is the mightiest of all my comma mistakes and misuse of words. She's my one and only Twinkie and the bun to my hot dog, even though she tends to cockblock me when I see cute boys. Haha! I lurrrve you, mah lovely. You are the greatest. MWAH.

Thanks also to Cherolyn, Jess, Grace, Purple83, and Conty for always chatting it up with me on the thread! Come join us! The link is on my profile. I post teasers, you know. Hehe.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. I just get to play with the characters.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Ten;**

_**You Give Me Something**_

_"Cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright. This could be nothing, but I'm willing to give it a try. Please give me something cause, someday, I might know my heart."_

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

What the hell oh my god mother of all things holy.

I don't even remember how long it had been since I had kissed a guy. I don't remember how long it had been since I'd ever even _thought_ of a guy that way. Besides Jasper, of course. I couldn't count the drunk encounter I had with what's-his-name a few years ago at that stupid college party I shouldn't have even gone to. It's not like I could have counted it if I wanted to anyway since I remembered nothing except waking up next to a naked man who's name I couldn't recall and bawling to Alice right after.

And now, someone who wasn't the man I'd been wanting for the past eight years was kissing me. Pretty freaking fantastically, if I do say so myself. I was lost in the feeling of his lips on mine, his breath mingling with my own. He was definitely not lying when he said he was a good kisser.

But, reality came crashing back on me as soon as our lips parted. I was staring up into sultry, forest-kissed eyes when all I could think about were the ones resembling storm clouds on a somewhat nice day. Blue clashing with gray rather than green mingling with just a very small hint of hazel.

The ones that belonged to Jasper versus the ones belonging to Edward.

It was just to get him to shut up. A silly little trade-off. That's all it was.

So, I did the only thing I could.

I walked away in hopes he'd realize that the deal was done. I kissed him, he shut up. Back to business. Maid of honor and best man working to get the task finished.

We joked and spent too much time being silly before every save-the-date was tucked inside an addressed envelope. It was easy to lose track of time when I was with Edward because he made me forget things. He made me forget what happened with Alice and Jasper, the wedding, the tears, everything.

And I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, and it was really beginning to freak me out because I had only the known the guy for two weeks. So, when it finally came time for him to leave, I'll admit I was slightly relieved. Like a good friend usually does, I walked him down the stairs and out to the building entrance where his car was parked against the curb. It was awkward. What was I supposed to say to him? "Thanks for the mind blowing kiss earlier even though I wished you were Jasper. Toodles!"

I stayed on top of the three, small steps as we stood there, each waiting for the other to end the night with a goodbye. "Well, I had fun today, Edward. Thanks for cheering me up."

"My pleasure."

I smiled and turned the other way to walk back into the building, unaware of what else to say.

"Wait."

The somewhat urgency in his voice surprised me as I turned my head slightly, raising a brow at him. "What?"

He was silent for a while before he spoke up quietly. "Can I," he paused, "kiss you goodnight?"

I should have said no. He and I both knew it would be meaningless if I were to kiss him. Sure, it felt nice and he was really good at it, but I wasn't in love with Edward. I'm not even sure I _liked_ him as more than a friend. I was, without a doubt, attracted to him, but I had no idea how much farther that went.

But, as he stood there with those gorgeous eyes and those kissable lips, I just couldn't say no. My attraction for him was evident, and I mean, it was only one more kiss, right?

What could one more kiss hurt?

"Okay," I softly answered.

He stared at me completely baffled for a quick second before he shook his head and gave me that charming crooked grin of his. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," I replied with a laugh. _It's just a kiss_.

Edward placed his hands on my hips and tugged so my lips came down to meet his. Standing atop the steps made it much easier since he was so goddamned tall. As my eyelids fluttered closed, my hands snaked up to his soft hair, tangling it within my fingers. I'd seen him run his own hands through it so many times. It definitely had to have been an inherited trait from Carlisle.

My heart almost stopped as I felt his tongue make a feather-light caress against my bottom lip. I leaned into him more, eager to taste his sweet-talking mouth. Eager to see if his kisses would only get better than they already seemed to be.

But, he pulled away.

With a stupid, albeit cute, smirk on his face, he freaking pulled away.

_Ugh!_

Frustrated at him for ending it before it got better, I huffed. "Good night, Edward."

"Hold on just a second!" He laughed and hooked his index finger into the belt loop of my jeans. "You are _not_ doing that again. I kissed you earlier, and you said nothing. This time you have to tell me if I was telling the truth."

"About?"

"About being a good kisser."

I tried to keep my eyes away from his mouth because then I'd just lunge at him like a hormonally-driven teenager. "I don't have to tell you anything. You're the one who pulled away."

That damned smirk was back. "Would you like to continue from where we left off?"

Before his lips could make contact with mine again, I held up my hand and rolled my eyes. "I think you've gotten more than enough kisses for one day."

"Are you saying there'll be more?"

I snorted and he laughed. It was hard to pretend I was pissed off at him because I really wasn't, but he needed to think I was so he'd stop thinking it was okay to just tempt me with his lips like that. _Damn hot_ _bastard_. "_Good night_, Edward." I shoved at his shoulders to get him to just go already.

"That wasn't a no."

"But, it wasn't a yes either. And hey," I grabbed his left wrist and ran my thumb over the permanent ink I'd noticed earlier. I thought I was imagining things, but there it was - a small tattoo of the letter "T". It wasn't noticeable unless you really looked, but it certainly piqued my curiosity. "What does it stand for?"

"Temptation," Edward coolly replied. "I've always loved the definition."

"Do you read the dictionary or something?" I joked, arching a brow.

He only smiled and leaned in to breathe into my ear. "The act of enticing or alluring," Edward whispered, his lips barely grazing my neck as he spoke, "something often regarded as unwise, wrong, or immoral. You like it?"

_Holy god_.

I never thought a definition straight from the dictionary could sound so... inviting. His hand ghosted up to hold my cheek as I sighed and pushed his shoulders again. "It's, interesting."

"If you like this one, you'll love my other one. Want to take a guess where it's at?"

"No." I actually was quite curious as to where his other one might be, but I didn't want to give him the benefit of knowing that. "_Good night_, Edward."

"You owe me a non-date, Bella," he chuckled, running his thumb over my lips.

"And just when are you going to man up and ask me on a _real_ date?" I laughed, crossing my arms.

His expression became somewhat forlorn as his hand dropped from its place on my lips. "When you're ready to let go of him."

His words made the world around me stop.

And then the reality of everything I'd previously thought of hit me like a ton of bricks.

Was it wrong to kiss Edward and wish it were Jasper?

Was it wrong to still want Jasper even if he loved Alice?

_Damn_.

I sighed and plastered a sad smile on my face as I waved once again. "Good night, Edward."

He didn't try to stop me and instead waited until I was inside before getting into his car to drive off. I pressed my back against the building's door and buried my face into my hands.

What was I even doing?

I wanted to say "I deserve better" and mean it.

I wanted to say "I give up" and believe it.

And I wanted to say "I'm moving on" and do it...

But, I couldn't.

_I just couldn't_.

Once I finally managed to get my feet to move up the stairs, I felt terrible. Like all the happiness I had had earlier in the day withered away as soon as I stepped foot through the threshold of my apartment. I was alone again.

Being alone meant breaking down. Fuck.

Fuck!

In a sick, stupid, twisted way, it almost felt like I was betraying my heart. Edward was an understanding, sweet guy I would've given everything to had I met him sooner.

But, he wasn't what my heart wanted. I wanted my heart to want him, but it just doesn't work that way.

My heart wanted and yearned for no one other than Jasper. Regardless of him lying and hurting me and being so damned blind, I _still _wanted him. I'd want and love him through all the stupid bullshit and all the lies and all the heartache, and I _hated_ myself for that.

I seriously hated myself for it.

He stood in my own apartment and admitted to lying to me for not only one year, but for four. Four fucking years. He stood there and threw it in my face, thinking it wouldn't rip me apart. Thinking it would somehow help because he was letting me in on the secret, thinking I wouldn't be upset because he finally spat it out.

From an outsider's point of view, perhaps he was doing the right thing. He had lied, but he knew he was in the wrong and wanted to do his damn best to make it up to me.

But, an outsider could never understand the depth of the pain Jasper had caused by trying to do the right thing.

Nobody would.

I yanked the drawer of my nightstand open and stared at the folded piece of notebook paper I still hadn't given to Jasper. I mean, how could I now? It was obvious he didn't love me. He never did.

He never would.

I threw my head back and forced down the sob threatening to spill out. I told myself to be strong when Edward was with me so I wouldn't worry him. Now that he was gone, I was back in my own little private bubble where I could hold myself and cry because it was all I could do.

Edward was right. It probably would have been better for me to tell Jasper, even if it meant him telling me he didn't feel the same. I'd get closure; he'd get the truth. Win, win. But, even if I already knew I'd be rejected, it'd hurt me more than I think anyone could ever imagine if he actually said the words "I don't love you" to me.

Plain and simple, I was a coward.

A fucking coward surrounded by a world of soldiers who were unafraid of the world's heartbreak and pain. While I hid and pulled myself away from the reality of love, they pushed forward for what they wanted and wore their hearts on their sleeves for anyone and everyone to see.

Soldiers are the ones who get to have lavish weddings in June at the Fairmont Olympic.

Cowards are the ones who stand beside them at the altar while wishing things could be different.

I could never be a soldier.

How could I ever be when I'd rather smile at a lie than cry from the truth? It was pathetic. It was stupid. I told myself every day how foolish it was for me to run, but I was too far into the lie to turn around.

I'd gladly live my whole life in silence if it meant avoiding the fact that Jasper could never love me. It seemed impossible for my heart to break any further, but I swear it would if he ever spoke those words to me.

My hand shook as I grabbed the tattered notebook I'd stored in my nightstand and a pen I could write with.

_I ask myself one hundred times, why?_

I felt the tears stinging my eyes as I continued to write down the meaningless emotions flooding my body.

_Why did I even bother? Why did I even try? Getting sick of this ride because you're driving me out of my mind. I know you don't want this, but know that I need you more than I did before._

_I need you. She needs you. I love you._

_You love her more_.

Drops splattered onto the notebook as I groaned in frustration and tore the page out. I was crying. _Again_. I didn't want to and tried so fucking hard not to...

But, I was.

_You'll never love me like that, will you?_

One of the hardest things I was learning to deal with was having the words in my heart I couldn't utter. There were so many things, just no way to say them.

_Jasper. I love you, I love you, I love you._

_I LOVE YOU._

"Shit," I cursed aloud, slamming the notebook down. My cheeks felt moistened, the paper was wet, and I could feel my heart breaking all over again.

Against my own will, I was crying. I was doing so well before though. It hurt, but I stayed strong.

Why?

Why couldn't I just be over it?

Why did it have to be so hard?

Jasper's lies. Alice's lies. The wedding. He didn't love me.

_He didn't love me_.

He never loved me...

_Oh, god_.

Everything slammed into my body full force, and I let out everything I'd been holding back.

Because for once, I was tired of pretending to be strong. I was sick of acting like everything was okay when it really wasn't. My heart was breaking, my spirit torn. Everything came crashing down on me and just this one time, I decided it was okay to be weak.

Just for now.

So instead of forcing myself to stop like I usually did, I let the tears fall. I let my heart hurt. For one night, I'd let the lies and the hurt and the words seep into me because it _hurt_. It hurt that Jasper lied. It hurt that Alice knew. It hurt that I kissed Edward and liked it, and it hurt that I had to push him away because of my own selfish desire of wanting Jasper instead.

I didn't try to wipe my eyes. I didn't bother to muffle my sobs. I was a sobbing, broken, stupid mess on the floor of my apartment.

And I didn't care.

Not tonight.

Because it fucking hurt.

I would be strong tomorrow. I'd smile and laugh and fake it all and if anyone asked, I'd say I was okay. _Tomorrow_.

But for now, in this personal bubble of Bella time, I held my knees to my chest, buried my face away and allowed myself to cry for however long my heart needed it.

Because regardless of how tough I tried to be, I still got bruised easily.

And I was sick of lying about it.

I'm not fucking bulletproof.

And for once, I was okay with admitting that.

Tonight, I was a coward.

Tomorrow, I'd be a soldier.

Or at least, I'd try to be.

* * *

The next few days passed with me throwing myself into work. Even though I had graduated from Seattle U with a Bachelor's degree in English Literature, I ended up being a damned secretary, or administrative assistant as Emmett always put it, for the business firm he worked at, Valente Inc.

Alice knew I was having a hard time finding a job because unlike her, I didn't have a successful doctor as a father who could help me out with jobs at the hospital he worked at. So, she got Emmett to talk to his boss, and he got me a job. I didn't see him much since we worked different shifts entirely, but he promised I'd be seeing more of him soon enough.

I groaned and flexed my fingers. They were stiff and aching from all the typing I had been doing. As soon as I took my hands off the keyboard in front of me, the line rang, and I sighed and picked it up to answer. "Valente Incorporated, this is Bella speaking. How may I help you?"

"Bella? It's Alice."

I almost wanted to slam the phone back down because I wasn't ready to be buddy-buddy with her just yet. I was still angry and upset and a few days weren't enough to make me magically forgive her. "I'm at work. I'll talk to you later."

"Wait!"

I paused and drummed my fingers along my desk, trying to maintain my temper while my coworkers were flitting around me. If I lost it and screamed into the phone, I knew somehow, some way it'd get back to Mr. Varner, and I'd be unemployed. _Calm down, Bella_.

"Rose and I were going to meet up for dinner to talk about... wedding arrangements. Did you want to come along?"

Wedding arrangements. Weren't the save-the-dates enough for one goddamned week? "I'm busy. I have too many things to schedule, too many clients to call back. Sorry, Alice. Some other time."

She spoke up before I could end the call. "I know you're still upset with me. You have every reason to be. But, will you at least go for Rosalie? She hasn't seen you in forever."

I cringed and bit down on my lip to avoid raising my voice. I missed Rosalie, too. It had been so long since I'd even seen her and as much as I didn't want to be around Alice just yet, hanging out with Rose would be worth it.

"Where and when?" I sighed, pulling out a pen.

Alice squealed quietly, and I knew she was probably bouncing up and down in her seat as she rambled off the restaurant to meet them at. After that, I slammed the phone back into its receiver and continued with work. I had an hour left and then would have around thirty minutes to get ready before dinner.

Once my shift ended, I tried to pep talk myself into the role of the perfect maid of honor. I couldn't have another person know about how much it affected me that Alice and Jasper lied. Rose didn't need to know about any of that.

And frankly, I just didn't have it in me to hear or retell the story again.

I drove to the restaurant fully ready to face the wedding arrangements head on. My night to be a coward had passed. It was back to being strong for everyone.

Back to the masks I had gotten so good at wearing.

When I arrived, the hostess took me to a table where Alice and Rosalie were already seated. I couldn't help it - I squealed in excitement at he same time she jumped up and threw her arms around me. I had missed her terribly during her long stay in New York, but now that she was back, it really felt as if she had never left in the first place.

Rosalie was, in my opinion, one of the most gorgeous women I had ever met in my life. She was tall, blonde, and had the body women paid millions for without a plastic surgeon ever coming within five feet of her.

"Don't fucking tell me you went and got engaged while I was gone, too?!" Rosalie shrieked, examining the necklace Jasper had given Alice and I. "Why am I the only one not decked out in pricey jewelry?"

I laughed. "Because you scare men off with your sailor's mouth and manicured nails. And no, I didn't get engaged, if you must know. It was a Christmas present."

She huffed. "I'll find a man one day who can handle me, just you watch. And he'll get me stuff like that," she pointed at my neck, "for no apparent reason."

"Which reminds me," Alice perked in. "I want to introduce you to my brother."

Rosalie scrunched up her nose. "I've got a friend in Chicago who's told me about him. Yeah, no thanks."

Alice burst into laughter. "No, no! You guys would chew each other's heads off with your egos. But, no. My oldest brother, Emmett. He's been nagging me to set him up so he has a date for the wedding."

Alice and I told Rosalie all about Emmett while we ate our dinner. She seemed slightly interested, but always jokingly asked about his income. It was easier to be around Alice when it wasn't just the two of us. We talked more about Emmett and Edward than any of the wedding arrangements, and for that, I was glad.

It wasn't until Alice's phone rang that I realized I had spoken too soon.

"Hi, Jazz," Alice answered, poking into her fillet of salmon with her fork. "Dinner with Bells and Rosalie. What are you up to?"

I chewed my food and tried not to listen to the one-sided conversation as I swallowed a sip of water. Rose paid no mind to Alice either and instead focused her attention on the game playing from the flat screen that hung on the wall a few feet away.

"What? Oh my god!" Alice suddenly squealed, almost knocking over her dinner in the process. "Yes! I'd love to go!"

I focused on my plate and ignored her excited squeals while Rose arched a brow when Alice finally murmured an "I love you" and turned back to us. "What was that about?"

"Jasper's taking me to San Francisco for the Valentine's Day weekend."

"That sounds like fun," Rosalie mused. "Lucky! I hear the shopping there is fantastic."

"It is. I fell in love with the shopping centers the last time we went."

Last time they went?

Meaning, they'd been before. Together.

Without me. Without me knowing.

How many more secrets did they even have? How many more could I even handle?

_Damn it_. I shoved the food into my mouth so I had an excuse not to talk. If it had been before I found out about them secretly dating or after I had gotten over it all, I would have congratulated her and demanded she bring me back something nice for leaving me behind.

"Bella?" Alice asked, pulling me out of my thought bubble. "What are you doing for Valentine's?"

I shrugged. She obviously hadn't caught her slip, and I was too emotionally drained and sick of screaming and hurling stuff to give a damn. So they snuck off together to California. Big surprise there. "Ice cream. Curl up on the couch with a movie, maybe? I don't know. I'm not a fan of Single Awareness Day."

"If you don't have plans," she paused, "would you want to come along with Jasper and I? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. You and I could take pictures at the Golden Gate Bridge, stroll through Haight and Ashbury. We could talk and be stupid and make Jasper carry our bags. What do you think?"

That caught my attention. I looked up from my plate and saw her smile back at me with sadness and hope. It was then that I knew Alice was making a genuine effort to get me to forgive her. She wanted to include me in her getaway weekend and even said it'd be about her and I instead of her and him.

Yeah, she lied. And yeah, she hid one too many things from me for the past year. And yeah, I wasn't ready to say I was over it yet, but I appreciated her trying so hard nonetheless. Once I set my fork down, I walked over to her side of the table and pulled her into a hug to let her know she was on the right path to getting back on my good side.

And she squeezed me back in acceptance of me still being upset.

"As nice as that offer sounds," I said, "I'm going to have to decline. Just bring me back something pretty."

Alice squeezed me and sniffled quietly. "I'm still so sorry, Bella. I wish I could take it all back."

"I know," I sighed, already knowing how sorry she was. I would forgive her. Eventually I would because I loved her too much, and she knew that.

Just not yet. Things couldn't go back to being normal just yet.

No one in the restaurant paid any mind to us hugging for such a long time. It was a girl thing - everyone knew that. Rosalie didn't ask any questions, and after Alice and I finally let go of each other, the actual wedding talk began.

And like the soldier I was trying so hard to be, I smiled and laughed and didn't shed a single tear even though my mind was haunted with thoughts of my best friend and the man I love being alone for a four-day weekend miles away.

.

.

_**Edward Cullen**_

"Damn it," I hissed, slapping my palm onto my forehead after pussying out to call Bella for the hundredth time.

I shouldn't have even fucking said anything.

It had been days since the night on Bella's apartment steps, and that had been the last time I'd talked to her. It felt wrong of me to text her to get lunch with me because I threw her not being able to let go of Jasper in her face. What was I thinking when I said those words? _Word vomit, Edward. It'll be the death of you.  
_  
If anything, I pushed her all the way back to square one after all the progress she was making, and I was so pissed off at myself for that. I groaned and kicked a box by my foot and slammed my forehead into the wall beside me. It hurt, but I needed something to distract me from the plaguing thought that I had pretty much ruined any chance I had with her.

I was really hoping I didn't completely fuck myself over, but it was definitely beginning to feel like it. With a heavy sigh, I raked my fingers through my hair and slid the box cutter through the taped edges. Unpacking needed to be done, things needed to be stored, and I had to stop thinking about Bella.

It was slightly relieving for me when I heard a knock at my door because I really needed the company. I was thinking it was probably Emmett since no one else really knew my address except family, and all of them were pretty much busy.

The knocking continued and my aggravation began. I threw on a shirt because Emmett always complained about how much he hated seeing me in my half-naked glory. I figured I'd spare him the show for one night. I didn't bother looking into the peephole and instead pulled the door open, my eyes widening at the petite, brown-haired woman who was definitely not my bulky-ass brother.

"Hi," Bella sighed, shaking her head from side to side. "Sorry to come here so late. I... Um. Did you know? Alice and Jasper are going to San Francisco on Valentine's. They've been there before. I guess now, they can just be open about it. I'm trying not to let it affect me, but..."

Without thinking, I pulled her into my arms and held her close, forgetting everything my mind had been contemplating for the past four days.

All that mattered was that she was here, and if she was here, maybe... just _maybe_, I didn't mess up everything.

I felt her arms snake around my waist and her heavy, labored breaths against the length of my neck. I didn't know if she was crying or just trying to calm down, but I knew her heart was in a heavy place, and she just needed arms and comfort.

That's what I was there for.

I didn't say anything. Instead, I sat her down on the couch and listened to her night from my place on the floor. She told me about Rosalie, and I automatically remembered Alice talking about her in plenty of e-mails before. Bella then told me about the phone call, how Alice slipped up again and admitted she and Jasper had been before, and how she even invited her along for the trip. If I could shake Alice and pummel her with one of those overly priced Gucci bags she owned, I'd do it in a second because she was unknowingly making it so much harder for Bella than it already was.

How did she not see through Bella's masks the way I did? How was it so unbeknownst to both her and Jasper?

It didn't make sense. Perhaps they were just too lost in their own little bubble of love to realize their best friend was still hurting.

Idiots. I love my sister, but fuck, really?

I let her get out everything she needed to say and didn't interrupt unless needed. I wish I could have offered Bella a tissue or a blanket or even a scone or something, but most of my belongings were still packed away beneath cardboard.

It wasn't until she yanked her hair out of its bun that I stopped thinking about what to offer her to make her feel better. Her brown locks fell in very loose curls around her shoulders, framing her heart-shaped face in the most gorgeous of ways. I could smell her hair from where I was sitting - strawberries and freesia and just, _Bella_. I remembered the way her hair felt beneath my fingers when our lips were pressed together in the hallway of her apartment. The way her body molded perfectly against my own.

_Damn it_.

Stupid, five-minute-Edward thoughts. She interested me like no other woman could before. It was sickening, really. I was drooling over the most unavailable of unavailable women. Of all the women in Seattle that had to catch my interest, it _had_ to be the best friend of my sister who was already in love.

Jasper, that damn bastard.

It still pissed me off that he would think of ratting me out to Bella like some kind of a goddamned snitch. Who the hell does that "I'm gonna tell on you" bullshit anymore? Definitely not grown men. I wanted more than anything to shove my fist into his face the second those words came out, but I knew Alice would be upset. And, so would Bella.

I didn't want to upset Bella. She already had so much to deal with.

Then, Bella stood up and smiled at me gently. "I better get going. Sorry for barging in so unexpectedly. I just... I had to tell someone about tonight."

It was farfetched, but I decided to ask anyway. "Are you still going to be in the wedding?"

She arched a brow and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "It hurts, but there's no way to make it easier, really. If I'm in the wedding, I have to watch Jasper and Alice share the happiest moment of their lives. If I pull myself out, everyone will want some kind of an explanation, right? This isn't high school, Edward. I can't just say 'They lied to me' and expect everyone to be off my case. This isn't just a shopping day at the mall I can cancel out on. This is a wedding."

I sighed, realizing she had a point. "Never thought of it that way."

"That's the way life is sometimes." Bella shrugged. "It's life, and it's real, and sometimes it fucking hurts... but I mean, you just have to learn to deal with it. Right?" She forced out a laugh as she walked to the door. "I... cried. The night after you left. Everything Jasper and I argued about previously that day came crashing down on me the second I walked into my apartment. I don't even know how long I cried, but it felt relieving."

Bella had cried over Jasper again. Minutes after I left, Bella was alone and crying and hurting. Damn it. "_Why _are you in love with him?" Gah! Fuck you, word vomit!

She raised a questioning brow at me. "There is no real reason other than that's just the way it is. I didn't choose to fall in love with Jasper, it just happened."

That should have been enough of a red flag for me to just give it the fuck up. There were plenty of other women in Seattle. Plenty of other women who could interest me just as much, if not more, than Bella Swan, I'm sure. I was smarter now. Older now. Chicago helped me understand women like the back of my hand.

I didn't fall for women - women fell for _me_, damn it.

But, I wasn't falling for Bella. No. Of course not. Right?

So, instead of showing Bella out like I should have, why was I leaning towards her, brushing her cheeks with the tips of my fingers, and holding my breath in hopes we'd end tonight with another brush of our lips against one another?

And why, if she was so madly in love with Jasper, was she closing in on me the way she did four days ago while her lovely fingers wove through my hair like it was some kind of an art she'd perfected?

It wasn't right. For her, for me, for both of us.

But then her lips softly touched mine and all thoughts of what was right and wrong flew out of my head.

I didn't care that she had literally just reminded me she was in love with Jasper. I didn't care that her heart was focusing on him so much.

It didn't matter.

Her kiss was gentle, sweet, and soft like I remembered it to be. I wanted to lose myself in her scent, memorize her body because that's what I was good at. I could make her forget all about Jasper if I tried hard enough, make her scream my name and leave every single thought of him behind.

I just chose not to.

I don't know why, but Bella was different.

And that thought scared me shitless. She was unavailable and her heart was taken and that usually set the warning bells off in my head to hightail it the hell out.

So, why wasn't I?

Fuck it all, why wasn't I?

Her lips finally left mine and with a sad smile, she was on her way. I wanted to pull her back and ask her what the hell that was all about. One second, she's proclaiming her love for Jasper and the next she's kissing me.

Confusing women always pissed me off. They were the one thing that could make me lose a hard-on in about 0.5 seconds flat. First it's "Fuck me senseless, Edward" and the next it's "So, what does this mean for our future?"

Hell.

I groaned and seriously wondered what the fuck I was getting myself into. So, when my phone rang, I really didn't pay any mind to who it was because frankly, I didn't give a shit.

"Hello?"

"Edward. Oh my gosh, Edward! You really are home!"

My heart dropped into my stomach, and I completely forgot all thoughts of Bella, Jasper, and how confusing it all was, instantly recognizing that sweet, melodic voice from so long ago.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck_.

I thought I could avoid it. I should have known that was wishful thinking.

With a sweep of my hand through my already too messy hair, I sighed. "Tanya, hey."

* * *

_**End of Chapter Ten**_

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yes, that was evil. I'm sorry. Forgive mee? But, gah! Poor Bella. She had to let it out sooner or later, right? Things have to get worse before they can get better. Full EPOV for the next chapter because we're finally getting the entire story of what happened in Chicago and how Tanya plays in with all of this. EPOV angst anyone? *sigh*

Curious as to why Bella kissed Edward? Can't tell you that. But, just trust me on this. I know what I'm doing!

Hugs to Erica for suggesting the song for this chapter. If you feel you have any good ones, let me know! I'd love to hear them!

One of my favorite stories, _**Tropic of Virgo**_, always has a question at the end that relates to something that happened in the chapter. So, I want to try that, too. Just to learn a little more about you guys :)

So here it is:  
Where did you have your first kiss?

_Love_,  
**BB**


	11. Leave Out All The Rest

**Author's Notes: **I am in awe that this story has already hit 1K. Thank you so much everyone. I know I don't reply as much as I should, but I do my best. I go back to school on Monday, so I'm hoping to have another chapter done by then. I'm feeling a little under the weather, so we'll see how that goes, but really, thank you so much. Hugs and kisses to everyone who's stuck through with me this far. I love you all!

As always, massive thanks to Erica for being the fastest beta in the FanFiction world. You can thank her for this getting done so quickly. Go chat with her on the ALLTB thread since I'll be MIA from it for a bit. She knows quite a bit about this story, so I'm sure if you ask nicely, she'll let you know some details. Hehe. Just remember, Beforeward is hers. I put a specialized tattoo on him just for her. Love you, Twinkie! MWAH.

But, to those of you who nag and nag and NAG about how much you dislike Jasper, Alice, Bella and even Edward, or their actions, or whatever, STOP. I get it. And I'm freaking tired of it. If you review just to tell me how much of an ass Jasper seems to be, or how Alice is such a bitch, save it. I seriously don't need any more negativity than I've already received. I don't write this story for the reviews, so if the review count drops massively after this, I could care less. Stop telling me my characters and the way I've set this story up is stupid. Stop sending such bad vibes my way because it really frickin' puts me down. I don't want to be rude, but really? Stop with the "Wow, they're such assholes. What kind of best friends are they?" blah blah junk. Real people make mistakes. Real people forgive. Real people get hurt. If someone you had been friends with for that long made a mistake like that, would you just drop them? Just completely throw all those years of good times and memories away because they fucked up? If you would, question whether or not they were really that good of a friend in the first place. I'm fed up with the hating, everyone. Seriously. I can only take so much.

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the plot of ALLTB.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Eleven;**

**Leave Out All The Rest**

_"I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect - neither have you."_

* * *

_**Edward Cullen**_

My heart was thudding painfully in my chest.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Could I handle this?

Fuck.

The voice I fought to forget for years. The part of my past I had finally managed to let go of. The sole reason why I fled to Chicago like a fucking coward because I couldn't stand to look her in the eye after... _that_. The only woman who...

_God damn it all to hell and back_.

I raked my fingernails through my hair to try and calm down. How she had gotten me to agree to meet her for lunch, I'll never know. I was fidgeting like hell and eyed every person who came through the door as if they were going to shoot me with a gun at any second.

I was more paranoid than I'd been in years, and I didn't even know why.

Actually, I knew why.

My eyes went to the door once again and everything around me stopped. She walked in, tucked her hair behind her ear, and I almost walked out right then and there. But instead, I stayed where I was, feeling as if I were glued securely to the chair I'd been sitting on and watched as she smiled at me while running over to my table.

I damned myself silently for agreeing to see her like the idiot I am.

"Edward!" She threw her arms around my neck without even giving me a chance to get up first. "I can't believe it's _really_ you. You're actually here!"

I politely pushed her aside and pulled out her seat like any gentleman would. Countless thoughts of what used to be and times of the past flooded my head as I scanned through the menu. I needed something light and simple. My stomach wouldn't be able to handle a steak or anything of the sort today.

A waiter came over and took our drink orders. I wanted something strong, something that would dilute all the crap running through my head, but because I knew better than to drive while under the influence, I went with water. She ordered iced tea with a lemon on the side.

There was an awkward silence between us before she spoke up. "You look great, Edward. Chicago did wonders for you."

I merely nodded and fidgeted with the napkin, already anticipating the minute this would all be over. I could feel Tanya's cerulean blue eyes watching my every move as I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. It was a stupid idea to meet her when I obviously wasn't ready for the conversation I'd put off for years.

Before I even understood what was going on, she grabbed my wrist and pushed the sleeve up, running her thumb smoothly across the mark of my past. "You still have it."

I jerked my wrist away and sighed heavily. "Yeah."

"Did you tell all those women in Chicago what it meant?"

For the first time since she'd sat down, I made eye contact with her. "It means temptation."

"It meant Tanya at one point, did it not?"

I clenched the napkin in my fist and watched as the waiter placed our drinks down. We both ordered our food, and he was gone just as quick as he came. I don't even know what I ordered, and I honestly didn't care. All I wanted was to leave. So fucking foolish it was of me to ever think I was ready for this conversation with her.

"Edward, why did you leave to Chicago without telling me?"

I took a sip of water. "I got accepted into Northwestern."

Her brows furrowed. "Yeah, so? You also got accepted into every other school that you applied for, including the University of Washington and UC Berkley. Both of which are a lot closer to home than Chicago is."

"Well, I'm back now. So what does it matter?"

Tanya shook her head. "You were gone, Edward. For years. You left with no way for me to contact you. Do you know how many times I went asking Carlisle and Esme to tell me where you were? It was months before they even told me you were attending Northwestern."

"My parents love me and respected the fact that I went to Chicago for change. How could that have happened if you were trailing two feet behind me the whole time?"

"I wouldn't have followed you," she sighed. "I just wanted to apologize. To tell you how incredibly sorry I was that things ended the way they did between us."

Before I could contain my anger and word vomit, they spewed out. "_Apologize_? Tell me how in the hell an _apology_ could ever suffice for what you did to me."

"It was years ago, Edward. Have you still not let it go?" Tanya asked quietly, piercing me with her eyes I'd fought so long to remove from my memory. "Did you think running away would fix everything? That being with countless women in Chicago would erase the past you and I shared together?"

Eager to maintain my composure in public, I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled quietly. "Chicago helped me out like you'd never understand, Tanya."

"Really?" Her tone was angry. "Are you sure about that? Because all I see in front of me is the Edward who used Chicago as an excuse to flee. You can't even be civil with me after years without communication because you're still harboring hatred towards what happened. When, honestly, will you let it go?"

"You fucking _cheated_ on me, Tanya!" The words came out before I could hold my tongue and fight them back. "It was our anniversary. Five years, remember? We were fucking engaged, for Christ's sake! You expect me to forget that? To forget walking in on you and him on our anniversary of all days?!"

She let out a long breath and smoothed back her hair as I gritted my teeth and did my best to push every single haunting memory out of my head.

*********

"Dude! You're really serious about this, aren't you?"

I turned to the man beside me with a goofy-ass grin because _hell yeah_ I was serious about this. "Five years is a lot, James. I mean, I don't plan to marry her anytime soon because we both have to focus on school first. But, why not just make that commitment that someday we _will _since we both know it'll happen eventually, right?"

James, Tanya, and I had all been best friends since before I could remember. Our parents being good friends was probably the reason why. Emmett hung out with us a lot over the years as well, but because he was a year older, he had already left for college, and Alice was busy with her own set of friends. I didn't mind though. The three of us just meshed well together, you could say.

James patted me on the back and grabbed me into a headlock. "Thatta boy! I better be your best man. I mean, I love Emmett and all, but don't put me up against him. I'll lose."

"Don't get excited, hot stuff. The wedding won't be until after we graduate college."

He laughed at that as we walked down the crowded, Seattle streets, already envisioning what our lives would be like in the fall. Parties and booze galore. A home away from home without the parentals breathing down our necks. Oh hell yes.

I proposed to Tanya before our five-year anniversary because I was too fucking excited and couldn't contain it anymore. She, of course, said yes and agreed it was best to hold off on the wedding until we finished school. It was crazy to imagine that not only was she my middle school sweetheart, but she'd also be my high school and college sweetheart as well. If we got married then, we will have been together for almost ten years.

Holy crap.

I flinched slightly as the needle drove into my skin, but I endured it and kept my mouth shut because I was a man. Men don't scream while getting tattoos. I looked down and watched as the artist filled in the "T", relieved to know that he was nearly finished. Mom and Dad were definitely going to rip me a new one after finding out, but I didn't care. Yeah, Tanya and I were engaged, but I still wanted to prove how very devoted to her I was ready to be.

My one and only. _Always and forever_.

I took good care of my skin and made sure it was pretty much healed by the time our anniversary had come up. The last thing I wanted was for Tanya to look at a flaking, peeling tattoo while not even being able to tell what it actually was. But because I followed the man's instructions well, the tattoo was smooth, healed, and ready to be shown to the world.

And I fucking flaunted that "T" because I had never been more proud of anything before.

I showed up to her house with ironed clothes and my hair as tamed as I could possibly get it. I didn't have an extravagant gift for our half-decade of being together, but I had something much more important I was going to willingly hand over to her for as long as she decided to keep it.

My _heart_.

It wasn't an expensive diamond, or a turquoise box from Tiffany's, but it was the biggest gift I could ever think of giving. I pep talked myself in the visor mirror, knowing our first big step into the real world was right around the corner. We'd graduate high school together and would be diving into the college life in a few months. We both knew today was the day we'd talk schools and where we were thinking of attending.

With a deep breath, I grabbed the bouquet of her favorite white and pink roses and used my spare key to open her front door. Her parents didn't care at all whenever I just waltzed in. In fact, they encouraged it and were the ones who actually made me the spare. They trusted her and I to be responsible, so it didn't surprise me when they allowed me to come over even when they were out of town or away at work. I made sure to keep my footsteps quiet. My eyebrows raised when I heard faint sounds resembling... moans?

I chuckled to myself quietly and wondered if I was going to walk in on her watching something obscene on her television. Either that or I'd walk in on the act itself, and if that were to happen, I'd have to move our reservations an hour or two later.

Once I got to her door, I knocked quietly and smiled at the "T" clearly visible on the skin of my wrist. I hoped she wouldn't kick my ass too hard. When she didn't come to the door, I figured I was going to get a little show and fought the smirk dying to grace my features. I turned the knob and pushed, stopping dead in my tracks.

Tanya's back was to me with her strawberry blonde curls bouncing and flowing behind her as her hips rocked back and forth. It would have been the sexiest thing ever... had she not been fucking somebody else who wasn't me.

"Oh my god, Edward!" Tanya cried, immediately covering herself with the abandoned sheet at her feet.

Her rolling off to the side exposed the face of the man she had just been straddling, and I swear every single part of my body fell into a black hole.

James and Tanya.

My best friend. My girlfriend - hell, my fucking fiancée.

"Holy shit, dude," James croaked, "I can explain."

No.

No.

_No_!

I didn't want to hear any part of whatever it was they wanted to _explain_. What the fuck? _What the fuck_?! I dropped the flowers and sprinted as fast as I could down the stairs. I respected Mr. and Mrs. Denali as if they were my own parents, so as I threw open the door and smashed a dent into the wall because of the force I'd used, I sincerely felt bad.

But, getting out of there was the only thing in my head.

In blind-sighted anger, fury, and unbearable pain, I fumbled with my keys to the brand spanking new Volvo my parents had gotten for me as an early graduation gift. My stomach was in knots, and I knew if I didn't hurry the fuck up, Tanya and James would have me cornered to explain what had happened.

My best friend was fucking my girlfriend of five goddamned years. It doesn't get any simpler than that.

I finally managed to get into the car and sped away as fast as my precious car allowed. Someone up there was on my side because regardless of all the cutting off I did, the red lights I ran, and the signs I didn't stop at, I made it back home safely and in one piece. My stomach was still in knots when I climbed out, and because I couldn't hold it back anymore, I retched onto Esme's beloved lawn and dug my nails into the stupid fucking "T" I never should have gotten in the first place.

My cell phone rang and vibrated in my pocket and out of fury, I hurled it at the mailbox with all the strength I possessed. The ringing stopped after that.

I picked myself up and stumbled into the house, thanking all that was holy that Carlisle and Esme weren't going to be back from work for a while. Before I could stop myself, I slammed my fist into the picture hanging on the wall of Tanya, James, and I at our middle school graduation. And because it felt really good just to fucking hit something, I punched into the spot on the wall where the picture was and watched as the plaster cracked beneath my knuckles.

"Edward, is that you?" a voice screeched from the top of the stairs. It was my younger sister, Alice. She stared at me, horrified, her eyes darting back and forth between the wall and my bloody fist. "What the hell? Oh my god."

Alice tried to stop me as I continued to knock everything down and curse random things I'm sure she couldn't decipher. I was so pissed, and my adrenaline was pumping like it never had before.

"Edward, stop!"

"Would you just leave me alone, Alice?!" I snarled as I turned to her, immediately shocked that tears were rolling down her cheeks with her hand over her mouth. She was holding a phone out, shaking and sobbing without saying a word.

I grabbed it from her, expecting to hear Tanya or James or whoever was going to apologize first. "What?"

"Dude," my eyes widened at the voice. "Edward, what happened? Ali called me crying."

Emmett. My big, dumbass brother who I hated to admit I missed like hell after he left for college. He wasn't only my older brother, but also a very good friend. Our relationship was complicated at times, but we still loved each other because we both knew we were always going to be brothers. There was no way around it. I clutched the cordless phone closer to my ear and sighed painfully. "Em, I never ask you anything, but I need to ask you to do something right now."

"Holy shit," Emmett murmured, probably flabbergasted at how broken I must have sounded. "You sound like shit. Alright, alright - anything. What do you need?"

"Get your bulky ass back to Seattle. I need you to beat the shit out of me and ask why in the hell I ever decided to fall in love."

It was silent for a moment before he spoke again, "I'll be there as soon as I can."

I hung up and turned to Alice, biting down on my lip to maintain my emotions in front of my sister. With another sigh, I held up my wrist and showed her the permanent ink. "What the fuck was I thinking?" I shook my head, swallowing hard. "Tanya. And James. I walked in on them having... Fuck, Alice, do you know what today is? How could she... he..."

"Oh, Edward," Alice sobbed, throwing her tiny, pixie self at me. She wrapped her arms tight around my waist, whispering something I couldn't even understand.

And because all the anger had finally subsided, I was only left with one emotion.

I collapsed to the floor still wrapped in Alice's arms and groaned and cried for the first time since I was six years old because, _fuck_.

I _cried_.

Because it hurt _that_ bad.

Whoever came up with the word heartbreak didn't know what they were talking about.

_It was so much worse_.

*********

"I said I was sorry," Tanya sighed, pulling me out of my long remembrance of what had happened years ago. "I tried telling you that before, but you ran. You ran, and I couldn't chase you even if I had the chance."

"Would you have?" I asked, trying to forget the memories of everything flashing before my very eyes.

"What, chased after you? Is that what you wanted?" she asked. "If you wouldn't even answer my calls, I doubt you would've talked to me if I'd tried to."

"What did we really come here for, Tanya?" I growled, clenching the napkin tightly. "Did you come here to remind me of our past, or did you come here to apologize?"

"To _apologize_, Edward! I didn't mean for it to happen that way. I felt guilty for so long after you left. James did, too. Hell, we still do! I know what the both of us did was wrong, but it had never happened before that day. I swear. I was devoted to you the entire duration of our relationship."

"Except for that one day. Our five-fucking-year anniversary, Tanya! Why would you ever do something like that?!"

"Because I was scared, Edward!" she admitted, throwing her napkin down onto the table. "I was _terrified_! You and I graduating? Getting engaged? It all happened so fast. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have loved to marry you, but the thought of it scared me shitless. Can you blame me? We were so young. We were barely heading into college, and already I was tying myself down."

"Well, my mistake for proposing then!" I retorted, doing my best to ignore the tears bubbling up in her eyes. I knew I was making things worse by overreacting, but I couldn't help it. Without another word, I took three twenties and threw them onto the table. It should have been more than enough for our drinks, the food I wouldn't get to try, and the tip. Tanya called out after me, but I shrugged my coat on and left the restaurant.

I thought I'd be able to handle seeing her. I thought, somehow, the pain had lessened to the point of numbness where I could finally talk to her face to face.

But right when I looked into her eyes, the first thing I remembered was seeing her straddling James. It was an image burned permanently into my memory. No matter how hard I tried to forget it, it always came back to haunt me.

The drive back to my parents' place was nerve wracking. I wanted so bad for Mom to hand me some homemade, chocolate chip cookies and tell me that everything would be alright. Once I parked in the driveway, I threw the emergency brake up and entered the house as quick as I could. I walked into the living room and saw Esme sitting on the couch, watching the Home Shopping Network with a soft grin on her face. She took one look at me and her mouth dropped open before I could even say a word.

"Goodness, honey, is everything alright?" she asked, pulling me down to sit. "What's the matter?"

And so I spilled everything to her. Both her and Dad already knew the reasoning behind me moving to Chicago, and they even knew about all the women I was involved with. Of course, they didn't know _every _detail, but they knew the gist of it.

I told her about Bella, about my lunch with Tanya, and everything else the word vomit made me spill to her. One thing I missed more than anything when I left to Chicago was my family. I loved Carlisle and Esme and Alice and Emmett even though we all drove each other crazy sometimes.

Esme stayed quiet the whole time and sometime during my venting session, she pulled my head into her lap and smoothed my messy hair back. The way she always used to do for me when I was younger.

I threw my arm over my face and groaned quietly. "What am I gonna do?"

"I'll tell you what you're _not_ going to do, Edward Anthony Cullen," she hissed. "You're _not_ going to run away from your problems again. Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you pack up and leave, knowing I couldn't do anything to stop you?"

I slowly inched my arm off my face and looked up into my mother's caring, brown eyes, immediately feeling guilty for leaving the way I had years ago. "Mom-"

"Don't apologize. Everything happens for a reason, does it not? Look at the man you've grown into, honey. You're smart, successful, and you can't keep the women off you. I suppose your departure helped immensely, but now that you've returned, I'm not going to let you run off again without a fight." She smoothed my hair back. "Heartbreak is not easy, Edward. I know that. It was hard enough for your father and I to see you so broken, so I can't imagine what you must have been going through. It was part of the reason why we didn't argue when you wanted to leave. I cried silent tears for you every night, hoping you'd return sooner or later after you healed."

Another wave of guilt washed over me as I sighed and pushed myself out of her lap. "I never did say thank you to you or Dad for being so understanding of that."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. We're your parents and just wanted what was best for you," Esme cooed, patting my shoulder gently. "Now, tell me. What's going to happen between you and Tanya?"

I sighed. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm over it. The feelings I once had for her are completely gone. I could never go back to what we used to be with that image engraved into my memory."

"Then, why is it that you walked out on her while she tried to apologize, if you're over it all?"

My mouth opened to answer, but I couldn't pinpoint the words to say. Why _had_ I been such a prick and not even let her say what she needed to say? Yes, it was a bitch move on Tanya's part, but it was years ago, and she seemed honestly sorry for everything that had happened.

"And, how does Bella tie into everything exactly? Do you like her?"

"No," I immediately answered, ignoring her raised brow. "It... It's complicated. She's got her eye on someone else. Kind of like a one-sided thing. But, I don't think I should-"

"You know, Edward," she started, "I'm your mother. And I may be getting old, but I'm not dumb enough to not have noticed that thing your eyes did when you first saw her." She held her hand up before I could interfere. "Now, I'm not saying you're head over heels for her or anything rash like that, but what I _am_ saying is that if you want something enough, you should fight for it. Bella's eyes did the exact same thing. So what if it's complicated? Work your way through it. It'd be nice to see you happy again, and you know, for you to have an actual girlfriend instead of a fling."

My shoulders suddenly felt so much lighter after listening to her advice and her words of comfort, and the only thing I could think of to do was wrap my arms around her and hug her like I'd wanted to do for years. "Thanks. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Edward. With all my heart. I just want you to be happy. Now, give your mother a kiss for listening to you."

I chuckled and kissed her cheek before she shooed me away to get back to her television shopping.

* * *

"You know, you are completely ruining the purpose of pizza," I chuckled and watched as Bella peeled off a chunk of cheese from her slice.

She glared at me and laughed with a shake of her head. "If I want to pick off parts of the cheese, shut up and let me."

After the talk with my mother, I decided to try and talk to Bella at her place. To see what exactly her and I were because I didn't want to get anything wrong. Were we friends? Were we friends who had mutual attraction towards each other? I didn't know but I was dying to understand it all.

Not to mention the freaking fantastic kiss from a few nights ago.

She was surprised to see me and had actually just taken one of those bake-at-home pizzas out of her oven when I was at the door. I loved my timing.

"So," Bella started after licking the sauce off her fingers, "what's your favorite color?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

She shrugged. "I've never asked you before."

"Hmm," I mused. "Blue. I'm fond of blue."

"Me too." She smiled and nibbled at her crust. "What did you major in?"

"Business. You?"

"English Literature."

"Let me guess, are you a librarian?"

"Nope. An administrative assistant at Valente Inc."

I nearly spat out my food. Emmett did _not_ tell me that. "Wait, wait. The company Emmett works for?"

"Yup," she replied, popping the "p". "Though, I don't see him at all since our shifts are different."

"I start next week."

She smiled at me and ate the rest of her crust. "I know."

I chuckled in response and smiled inwardly. I now had another reason to show up to work. If I'd get a chance to see Bella in some secretary get-up with glasses and a pencil skirt or something, I'd gladly go to work every single day. "Hey, Bella?"

"Hm?"

"What... What are we, exactly?"

She raised a brow at me. "Excuse me?"

"I meant-"

Suddenly, a knock came at the door.

"Shit," I cursed, remembering Alice mentioned she was going to come by to pick up the save-the-dates. Fucking moment-ruiner. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I forgot to tell you Alice would be swinging by."

"It's fine, Edward," she laughed. "I'll go get them right now. Could you let her in?"

I nodded and opened the door, slightly surprised to see Jasper as well. Of course, he looked pretty surprised to see me, too. "Bella's getting them right now, Alice."

"Thanks so much again, Edward. I told you I could have done it on my own, you know," Alice giggled, giving me a quick hug.

Just then, Bella came from her room and waved the stack at my sister. "They're all ready to be sent out."

"Thank you, Bella. I appreciate it so much."

She gave her a small smile, and I knew Bella hadn't forgiven Alice completely just yet. The look in Alice's eyes showed me she was well aware of that fact.

I'm sure Alice knew she had a long way to go before she and Bella could go back to being what they once were, but it was good to know she wasn't pushing it.

"Well, we don't want to keep you. Thank you again," Alice waved and kissed me on the cheek.

Jasper turned to Bella, but she turned away and didn't even say goodbye. Good. He deserved that. With a sigh, he turned to me and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I guess we'll be going then. Oh, and Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"How was seeing Tanya again after all this time?"

I felt like I had just gotten kicked in the gut as Alice stared at him horrifically.

"Who's Tanya?" Bella asked, genuinely confused as to what we were talking about.

"He's never told you about Tanya, Jezebels?" Jasper questioned, raising a brow.

She shook her head and raised a brow as well. "Enlighten me."

"Tanya was Edward's fiancée before he moved to Chicago. I could have sworn he told you."

The whole room went silent as Bella looked over at me, a questioning look still slapped on her face. _Fuckfuckfuck_.

"Have you seen his tattoo, by the way? The T?"

Holy. _Crap_.

No way.

No fucking _way_ did he just say that.

For once, Alice looked like she wanted to rip Jasper's head off, and I would step aside gladly if she chose to do so. Damn prick!

Bella let out a small sigh and walked over to me, keeping silent about what Jasper had just purposely blurted out to screw me over. Without a word, she gently grabbed my wrist and pushed the fabric of my sleeve up, thumbing the permanent "T" etched onto my skin.

"T for Temptation," she mused. "More like, T for... Tanya, right?"

I sighed and because there was no use in denying it, I nodded slowly. "At one point, yes."

She shook her head and dropped my wrist from her grasp.

And I felt like the biggest dick because Bella wasn't jealous of what Tanya was to me, she was upset with me because, like the closest people in her life had already done, I _lied_ to her.

She trusted me to be different. To be the friend she needed in the midst of all this fucking chaos going on around her. To give her the one thing she ever asked of anyone - _honesty_.

And damn it all, I fucked up.

* * *

_**End of Chapter Eleven**_

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hate Jasper and all that. No one believes me anymore when I say that he'll redeem himself, so fine, go ahead and hate on him. Like I said, I'm just so fed up with the negativity everyone sends my way. I don't mind you guys disliking him and his actions, but please don't send me a long review simply JUST to back up why you hate him so much. I already know. I'm not fond of him either and this is my own story, so that's saying something. How about some positive feedback for once? Sigh.

Anyway, so many of you were nice enough to tell me where you've had your first kiss. A lot of them made me smile and most others made me laugh. Thanks so much for cheering me up! My first kiss was at a basketball court. It was after lunch, and my then boyfriend just grabbed me and laid one on me. I wanted to punch him in the mouth for being so forceful because I was one of those girls that wanted a cliche first kiss. Hehe.

Next question:  
Could you handle a sit-down lunch with your ex?

_Love_,  
**BB**


	12. My Skin

**Author's Notes:** Yes, I am a suckage major because this was released way later than I intended it to be. I'm in summer school right now, and it's a difficult class, so bear with me please? On a good note, chapter thirteen is in the works and is a HUGE chapter. So, something to look forward to! Now, onto something more important.. UMMM, *points to review count* Yeah, holy crap. I'm absolutely blown away. The last chapter received 300+ reviews, and this little story of mine is already almost at 1500 reviews. I'm not even going to try and ask you all to top that. Seriously. That made being sick, being hated on, and going back to school all totally worth it. You guys are full of total WIN, and I can't thank you enough for everything you all do! Hugs and kisses to all of you!

I know I say thank you to Erica all the time for what she does, but I don't think any of you realize that she is so much more to me than just a beta. She's become one of my closest friends and I actually tell her everything nowadays. She's always ecstatic to hear about anything I'm excited about and is there to comfort me if I ever need it. She's also the number one reason why I ever posted this story up in the first place, so you should, you know, thank her. I know I do all the time! I laaabs you, Twinkie. You're the best. MWAH. And stop laughing at my awkward public moment from earlier, ass! :(

Also, thank you so much to everyone for all the positive vibes sent my way. It really helped a lot. Some people just don't understand how hurtful words can be sometimes. But, all is okay now, and I promise you it's not getting to me anymore. And to a select few of you who said I shouldn't be asking you not to hate on my characters cause then the review is just what I want to hear.. That's not what I meant. Go ahead and get mad at them, just please don't make your entire review based solely on your anger towards my Jasper or Alice or Bella or whoever. You saying "Wow, what a dick/bitch etc etc" does not tell me if you're enjoying the story or how I can improve on anything. Get what I'm saying?

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the ALLTB plot and Beforeward. Actually no, Erica owns Beforeward, my bad!**  
**

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Twelve;**

**My Skin**

_"Well content loves the silence; it thrives in the dark with fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart. They say that promises sweeten the blow, but I don't need them. I've been treated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable. I'm the slow dying flower in the frost killing hour - sweet turning sour and untouchable."_

_

* * *

_

_**Alice Cullen**_

The shock on Bella's face, the pissed off look on Edward's, and the know-it-all face of Jasper was all too much for me to handle. If I didn't get out of there, I'd end up throwing a rant worthy enough to be broadcasted worldwide on television. "Thanks again, guys. We'll see you later." I yanked on Jasper's arm a little too roughly and tried to remain calm until we were back in the confines of my Porsche. I threw the save-the-dates into the glove compartment and pulled out of the lot as soon as Jasper shut the door.

"Holy fuck, darlin', slow down!" Jasper buckled in his seatbelt while I pushed for 60 on the not-so-crowded, Seattle streets.

"Just what the hell was _that_ all about, Jasper?" I asked angrily, slamming on the brakes to avoid running a red light. His face rammed into the dashboard, but I could care less. He deserved it after the stunt he pulled.

"I was just asking how things with Tanya went. What's wrong with that?"

"What's _wrong_ with that is I told you about Tanya in secrecy! How could you just blurt it out like that? Not only is Edward going to be pissed off at me for telling you, but you didn't even consider how Bella would feel hearing that. Jeez!"

"Then don't you think Edward should have told Jezebels in the first place? He was keeping it from her, Ali!"

"Or just waiting until the right time to tell her, perhaps?" I groaned. "God, Jazz! Bella _just_ dealt with the fact that you and I were secretly dating for a year. And now this is thrown into her face, too? What the hell! Edward is going to tear a new one into me... I can't believe you!"

"Would you stop thinking about what your brother is going to say to you and instead focus on the reason why I brought it up? Edward was _engaged_. If he and Bella are going to have any kind of future together, don't you think he should have been honest?"

I couldn't take it anymore. I swerved off to the side of the road and shoved my foot down onto the brake pedal, bringing my precious, lovely car to a halt. My fingers gripped the steering wheel harder as I sighed in pure frustration. "Do you hear yourself when you speak, Jasper? You are being such a hypocrite!"

"How exactly am I being a hypocrite?"

"_You_ said it'd be better to keep our relationship from her. I don't think that's being honest. Edward and Bella are still getting to know each other. You think he wants to blurt out that he asked his girlfriend of five years to marry him someday and then she ended up cheating on him on their anniversary?"

"Can you please get back on the road? We'll discuss this when we're not in your 60,000 dollar Porsche," Jasper said calmly, drumming his fingers against the back of the seat.

I sighed and tried to keep my tone under control. "Edward _was_ going to tell her, Jazz."

"Really, now? How do you know that?"

"Because I know my brother, Jasper!" I yelled, slamming my hand onto the steering wheel. "I _know_ that he likes Bella even though he's too scared to admit it! You don't know how badly he was hurt when Tanya cheated. You think you know, but you seriously don't! You didn't see him that day. You didn't hold him and call your older brother miles away just because he needed his family that badly. You think he wanted to reopen that wound he managed to heal?"

He stayed quiet before turning to me, his eyes softening because he probably just realized he'd made me cry. Stupid, over-protective, asshat boyfriend.

"Why are you crying?"

_Ass_! "Damn it, Jasper. Really?" I wiped my nose and huffed in frustration. "I'll tell you why I'm crying. Because my brother who I love has finally come back after leaving to Chicago, but he's mad at me! Because he finally seems to want to _get to know_ a girl rather than just get in her pants! Because for the first time in such a long time, he's finally opening himself up. Because I _know_ Edward could make Bella happy, and I want that more than anything, but you're just ruining it! You're ruining everything they could possibly be!"

I sobbed and threw my head back into the seat. "And I'm crying because _you're_ the reason why it feels like Bella isn't my best friend anymore! I told you I wanted to tell her. I told you we should've just let her know. But, no. It backfired on us tenfold, Jasper! Our best friend ran out on us crying because it hurt her _that_ bad. She threw shit at you because she was _that_ pissed off. And now it's so awkward every time I see her because what the hell am I _supposed_ to do to make this better? God!

"I want everything to just... stop being so bad! I want Bella and I to be okay again. I want to stop stressing over such little things about our wedding. I want Edward to be happy. I want you to stop butting in." I threw my hands over my face and cried it all out because, damn it, I was frustrated. I missed Bella. I felt sorry for Edward. And I loved Jasper, but he was pissing me off like no one would even know.

Didn't he want Bella to be happy? Didn't he want her to find someone who could be with her and make her smile every single day? Why did he have to be such a goddamned idiot?

He did the right thing by shutting his trap as he went over to my side of the car, pulled me out, and held me on the curb I had parked against. He didn't say anything, but that was fine because I didn't _want_ him to say anything to me unless they were going to be the words "I'm so sorry". And since I knew he was too prideful to admit he was wrong, hugging was the way to go.

He surprised me, though.

"I'm... I'm sorry, darlin'. Really, I am," Jasper whispered into my hair. "I just don't want Jezebels to get hurt. I fuckin' love her. You know that. I'll behave now, okay? I will."

"Good," I muttered, sniffling quietly. "Edward's not a bad guy."

"No, I suppose not if he's your brother, right?" He kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry again."

With a shake of my head, I buried myself closer into his hold. I hated that all of this was happening on top of the wedding plans to be made, but that was life. I wanted so much and couldn't have it because nothing is that easy. I felt like a sissy for being unable to handle it all coming at me at once, so I took Jasper's offered arms and let myself absorb it all while he held me and told me everything would be okay.

I was okay to drive after I let some of the pent up frustration out and instead of spending the evening with Jasper at his place like I'd originally planned, I took him home and drove to talk to someone I knew could cheer me up.

I parked in the lot and walked inside the large building, waving to the receptionist as I made my way through the cubicles. A few people casually waved at me before going back to work. Usually I was friendlier and took time to chat here and there and ask what was up and how life was going.

That wasn't the case at the moment.

To avoid being rude, I knocked on the door I was standing in front of before turning the knob and heaving a sigh at what I saw.

Emmett must have known I was coming because he was already standing with open arms before I could even say hello. Without a second to spare, I threw my purse down, jumped on top of his feet, and hugged him because he was like a gigantic teddy bear.

"How did you know?" I asked, wiping one of my eyes quickly.

"I'm psychic," he laughed. "And I also got a little help from Evelyn saying, 'Mr. Cullen, your sister just walked in. She'll be at your office in less than two' on line one."

I laughed along with him as he patted the seat across from his. I threw my elbows on top of his desk and rested my chin atop my knuckles, letting out another long and heavy sigh.

"So, what's up?" Emmett asked, twirling a pen between his index and middle finger.

I explained the whole Jasper, Edward, Tanya thing as simply as I could. In all honesty, I really couldn't tell if he was even paying attention because he seemed to be staring at something fascinating on the wall behind me while I spilled my guts out in hopes of finding some sort of relief. My eyebrow twitched in irritation as he continued to nod and stare.

"And I just... I hate how Jazz thinks so lowly of Edward just because he had a questionable past. Everyone's made mistakes."

"Well, sis, I don't think Jasper is purposely trying to be a douche bag. I mean, he's been friends with Bells for forever, so I'm sure it's just his protective brother-like bear qualities coming through. I don't think it's Edward he has a problem with, more of just any guy in general, know what I mean?"

I pondered that for a moment. Apparently, he _did_ pick up everything I said while nodding and staring like a goon. "So, then why would he ask about Tanya just like that? Don't you think it was unnecessary?"

"'Course it was unnecessary," Emmett laughed. "But we're men. We don't think with our brains. Why do you think we get into so much trouble?"

"Do you think he'll ever be okay with the idea of Bella possibly being interested in Edward?"

"Ali, you _know_ Eddie. He's going to find some way to sweep Bells off her feet without taking shit from anyone about how, when, or why he does it. Jasper isn't going to stop him from what he wants - which apparently is your best friend. I think all you can really do right now is just... keep watch of what your lover says to Bella." He stroked his chin in thought. "Wait just a second... Have you told Jasper about the women from Chicago?"

I froze and chewed on my bottom lip, playing with the hem of my shirt as I avoided his questioning stare.

"Aha! I know that look! You told him? Why would you do that?!"

"He's my best friend, Em! I'm sorry!"

He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Well, that kind of sucks a little bit. Did you ever tell Bella about it?"

"I've mentioned it a few times, but I don't think the information ever really stuck through since she had never met Edward."

"Then you'd better make sure your cowboy keeps his mouth shut until Edward tells Bells himself." Emmett shook his head. "I mean, I would tell you to tell her, but it's not your story to tell."

"I know," I agreed. "I'm sure Edward will tell her soon enough. They're not really even dating or anything, but sooner or later, he'll fess up. Edward likes Bella, I'm sure of it."

My older brother nodded and stood up once again, dusting off his pants before patting my shoulder gently. "Try not to be too pissy towards Jasper, alright, sis? I'm sure he means well, he's just going on about it idiotically." He wrapped one of his gigantic biceps around my neck and ruffled my head, giving my cheek a big, sloppy, older-brother kiss. "If he continues to be an ass though, I'll beat him up, alright?"

That is the exact reason why I loved Emmett so much.

"Em?"

"Yeah?"

"Have I ever told you about my friend Rosalie?"

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

I watched as Alice and Jasper left my apartment, leaving me alone with Edward where I could either confront him about lying, or forget about it and move on.

Edward wasn't, in absolutely any way, my boyfriend. I couldn't get angry with him for failing to mention his previous engagement, but it bothered me a little that it was never brought up. Not once.

But, I really wasn't mad. Disappointed maybe, that he, too, lied to me, but definitely not mad.

I sighed and waved it off casually, trying to laugh as I picked at my pizza once again. The look on his face made me feel even more awkward with the whole situation. "I'm not mad, Edward. There's no reason for me to be. So, don't look at me like that. Now what were we talking about before Alice and Jasper came?"

"Bella," Edward took my plate away as I raised a brow at him. "I'm sorry. I should have brought it up."

I shook my head. "There's no reason to apologize. I'm not your girlfriend, remember? Why would I be upset that you, like any other person on this planet, had a previous, serious relationship?"

"Because I didn't want to lie to you like Alice and Jasper did."

His words shot through me as I looked up at him. "Edward, they're my best friends. And of course, I have feelings for Jasper, so it hurt a little more. It's not like I have anything to get mad at you for. We haven't even known each other that long, so really, it's fine."

"Just because I haven't known you for years, it doesn't give me the right to keep something like that from you, Bella, and I'm sorry."

"I told you, it's fine."

"It's not," Edward argued. "I'm _trying_ to apologize."

"And I'm _trying_ to say I forgive you." I tried not to laugh. The situation was almost humorous. Edward and I were fighting because we were apologizing and forgiving. Weird. "Really, it's okay. Just tell me one thing. Does it actually mean temptation now, or did you just pull that out of your ass?"

"It meant temptation the second her and I were over."

I nodded. "Then, see? I'm not mad at all. I mean, I'm pretty sure Jasper didn't mean anything by it. He was probably genuinely curious as to how things went with this Tanya girl and didn't know that I hadn't heard anything about her yet. How did that go, if you don't mind me asking?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you when I calm down from wanting to punch Jasper in the face." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "But... You say it hurt more because Alice and Jasper are your best friends, right? So, what exactly am I to you then, if it doesn't bother you at all?"

I quirked a brow again. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean it exactly the way it comes off as. What are we? Friends who just kiss and feel nothing, or friends who kiss and just don't know where to go from there?"

My cheeks reddened at his abrupt bluntness. It was a question I was beginning to ask myself, too. To be quite honest, I really didn't know what we were. I knew I was attracted to him, but I also knew my heart was already taken. It was just - in one word - complicated.

"You need to tell me these things, Bella. I thought one thing and then thought a completely different thing right after. I mean, you proclaim your love for Jasper one second and the next we're kissing. You bawled your eyes out when you found out Ali and Jasper kept a secret, but you smile and pick at pizza when you find out about mine. You love Jasper, yet you kiss me. Seriously, Bella, give me a clue. I don't really speak 'girl', so these things aren't exactly the easiest thing in the world for me to understand."

I stared at the ground and suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of guilt wash over me as Edward's words seeped through. He and I weren't even dating. What kind of signals was I giving him by going to his place and kissing him like he was my boyfriend when he was anything but?

I sighed. Everything suddenly made sense. And I couldn't believe how much of an idiot I was. "We're _friends_, Edward, and you're right. I shouldn't have agreed to let you kiss me good night, and I shouldn't have kissed you after dinner with Alice and Rose. I apologize for that. I wasn't thinking."

His face remained the same. "So, we _are_ just friends."

"Yes."

"Nothing more?"

"Nothing more," I agreed.

He stayed where he was and inhaled a breath before speaking. "Okay. Friends. That's fine with me. I just wanted to know."

I eyed him curiously as he handed me my slice of pizza, carrying on with another topic before I could ask him why it mattered so much. It wasn't brought up again, and instead, we went on with our getting-to-know-each-other talk as if Alice and Jasper had never stopped by.

When Edward left, he didn't try to kiss me. I couldn't blame him for taking two steps back, though I did kind of miss the comfort and the electricity that came with his soft lips.

_Stop it, Bella!_

The days went by without any kind of word from Edward. I was expecting to possibly see him at work, but Emmett told me he requested a few more days off to get himself settled. I'd text him here and there, but he always replied late and with very short answers. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. It felt like he was almost avoiding me. Like he constructed a wall around himself and refused to let me in. I didn't like it, but I was the one who said we were just friends, so it was my decision to live with.

Valentine's weekend finally rolled around, and even though Alice and I were on slightly better terms, I wasn't ready to be civil with Jasper just yet. She asked if they could stop by, but I had to decline. The last time he had stepped foot in my apartment, he blurted something out that was none of his business. The time before that, I threw half of my living room at his face.

Yeah, definitely not ready to be civil.

My phone beeped to let me know I had a new message.

_That's okay, Bells. Find something to do this weekend, please? I want to hear stories when I come back._ -Alice

The morning light poured in through my window as I stared at my phone and replied. _I'll try, but no promises. What time is your flight?  
_  
_They're actually boarding now, I think. I just wanted to say happy Valentine's day to you. I love you. I'll bring you back something real pretty, I promise_.

From my bedroom, I heard a knock at the front door as I sighed. With a lazy yawn, I made my way over to the entrance, figuring it was probably one of my neighbors who needed to use my phone again because they'd locked themselves out during their morning run.

I texted Alice back, saying I loved her too while wishing her a safe flight and a wonderful trip to San Francisco. It relieved me that she was giving me the time I needed to get over it all, and I promised myself that someday after everything passed, I'd sit her down and tell her everything. It was hard to stay mad at Alice because I knew she meant well with her actions. I just needed time, and she was finally beginning to understand that.

Without bothering to look through the peephole, I opened the door and almost shut it just as fast because it was Edward looking like he'd just stepped off of a magazine cover while I stood there in my pajama pants and my hair tied into a messy bun. Freaking great.

"What are you doing here?" I blurted, pulling the strap of my tanktop back up my shoulder.

"Morning to you too," he laughed. "Your hair, umm, looks like a haystack. And I actually kind of like it."

"Jesus, Edward," I sighed, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. It was the first time I had seen him in days and if he hadn't had looked so damn appealing, I would've demanded an explanation as to why we hadn't been hanging out. "Spare me the small talk and just cut straight to why you're here, please?"

"Well," he started, "I was just stopping by because I wanted to see what you were up to because I know you have the weekends off. Are you free today?"

"How about you first explain to me why you've been ignoring me these past few days?"

Edward quirked a brow. "Ignoring you? I haven't been ignoring you. I answer your calls. I reply to your texts. I've been busy with unpacking and such."

I huffed. He had a point. He hadn't completely ignored me. In fact, he wasn't really ignoring me at all. We just... didn't talk as much. Damn. I hated being wrong. So instead of admitting it, I just nodded and changed the subject. "Edward, do you _know_ what today is?"

"Of course I know what today is."

"Does it seem like lonely old me would have anything to do while my best friends are on a plane to California?"

His lips curved into that damned crooked grin that could work wonders. "I was hoping you'd say that because," he pulled out a lovely arrangement of wildflowers from behind his back, "I'm taking you out. Happy Valentine's Day, Bella."

* * *

_**End of Chapter Twelve**_

* * *

**  
Author's Notes:** I know it was short, but that's because the next chapter is an important one and I couldn't put too many details in here about it. Hehe, you'll just have to wait and find out, I suppose. It will be out faster than this one, don't worry! I know I always say that, but I write out of order sometimes, and that chapter was one of the ones I was really excited to write out!

So, the question from last chapter got an overwhelming response! 90% said it depends on which ex, and how it ended. The answers varied from "I could totally handle it, we're still friends" to "Oh hell no. I'd kick him in the nuts", and I laughed hysterically each time! As for me, I can't. Not anymore, at least. It's become much too awkward for him and I because he made it that way. Plus, he's a little on the stupid side because his current girlfriend "doesn't allow" him to talk to me. Yeah, no thanks. I want a man, not a goddamned boy. Sheesh. But, thanks so much to everyone for the answers!

Next question: Who's the first person you run to when you're upset?

_Love_,  
**BB**


	13. Keep Driving

**Author's Notes:** I know, I know. I've been gone for forever and I royally suck for not replying to reviews or PMs or anything. RL was a beezy to deal with for the longest time, so I took a break because it was getting to be too much to handle. Long story short, I was gone for a while, but I'm back now! Forreal this time! YAY. Thank you to everyone for the 250+ reviews on the last chapter, even though I know I probably didn't deserve it. Can you believe ALLTB is almost at the 2K mark? HOLY EFF! Thank you for all the support. Hugs and kisses to each of you! Oh btw, long chapter ahead of you. Grab some snackies and a beverage of your choice, yes?

To my favorite boys Jamie and Anthony: I know you'll never find this even though you've been looking, so HAH. But I love you both for all that you do. Thank you for being the shoulders I've been needing since summer started. I wonder if you two will ever understand how much you mean to me.

To Twinkie: You're the best beta/person/friend I know. Thank you so much for your constant support of ALLTB and all my writing in general. For being there when I needed a friend to talk to, for getting me to write again, and for answering my calls. LOL. Happy belated birthday, even though I'm weeks late (on here). Your speed with my chapters always amazes me and I'm more than glad that you reviewed that long ass review on Hello, Stranger that was the start of us! I love you, Twinkie. MWAH.

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer created Twilight and its characters, I provide them with an alternate universe to play in. I also do not own any songs by Bon Jovi or the Spice Girls. Teehee.

**

* * *

**

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Keep Driving**

_"We'll take the long roads off into the world where no one knows. We'll pick the right songs, cause I believe these roads were made for us. Keep driving till there's no where left to run, can't help but think there's something there for us."_

* * *

_**Edward Cullen**_

Friends.

_Just_ friends.

My brow furrowed once Bella's words replayed in my head for the millionth time. Really? That's all we were?

_Nothing more_.

I shook my head and slammed my hand down on the speed control of the treadmill I was using. My legs were already burning with exertion, but I wanted nothing more than to focus on anything but Bella Swan and her godforsaken words I still couldn't get over.

_Bella Bella Bella_.

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of my face as I turned the volume up on my iPod as loud as it would go. I exhaled heavily, ignoring the distracting ache in my calves as I fought to keep up with the pace of the machine.

It shouldn't have affected me too badly. I was in a new city living in a new apartment with a new job and new women who knew absolutely nothing of my past life. What could have been better? My slate was wiped clean, and there I was, at the gym to distract myself from thinking about the one girl in all of Seattle I _couldn't_ have.

Fucking ridiculous.

And to think I'd just met up with my ex-fiancée for the first time in years, and _still_ all I was thinking about was Bella. I didn't understand it.

With a grunt of frustration, I shoved my palm onto the stop button and breathed deeply once the treadmill came to a complete halt. The abrupt stop made me a bit dizzy, but I honestly didn't care. I grabbed my small towel hanging off the side and decided I was done for the day. No matter where I was, Bella plagued my thoughts, so there was no use in me burning my legs out to try and not think about her when it was clearly all I was doing.

I wiped my face as I walked towards the water fountain, my brow raising when I saw a slender blonde bent over and sipping away. Her position gave me a fantastic view of her velour-clad ass, and her shirt riding up slightly exposed a colorful tattoo of a humming bird on her lower back. And just because I was so damned eager to prove to myself that I didn't need hot and cold Bella Swan, I decided Five-minute Edward needed to work his magic.

With my trademarked crooked grin in place, I leaned on the wall beside her and waited until she noticed she had company. After a few more sips, the blonde stood upright and licked her wet lips, eyeing me without shame.

I knew I probably looked like sex on legs. My hair was all over the place, my body glistening from the run, and to top it all off, I was looking at her like she was a gift sent from up above.

If there was any one thing I could do to get a girl to spend the night with me, it'd be that look I gave them right before I asked. I don't know what it was. Maybe green eyes were a number one turn on for girls because I know for damn sure it wasn't the bushy caterpillars I called eyebrows that attracted them to me.

"Hi," she smiled. "Did you need the fountain?"

"No, I actually just came here to try and talk to a pretty girl." I smiled right back. "I'm Edward."

"Natasha." She took her lower lip into her mouth while crossing her arms, making her chest jut out even more than it already had been before. _Nice rack_, I thought. Even though they were probably just silicone.

"So, do you work out here often? I've never seen you."

I tried to work my charm, but the words just weren't coming out. All I could think about was how the color of her hair was all wrong, how I didn't like the tramp stamp on her back, how her eyes were too blue, and how her voice was not nearly how I'd hoped it would sound. Eventually, I just sighed and walked away without another word, leaving Natasha dumbfounded and calling after me as I flipped on my ignore switch.

I was a hopeless moron.

For the next couple of days, I kept my distance from Bella. I called in at work and asked them for a few more days to settle in, and they granted me that without a second thought, probably because Emmett had really put in a very good word for me. Here and there, I'd receive texts from Bella, and more than anything I wanted to drive to her place and just hold her in my arms, but I couldn't. I refused to submit to her confusing mind.

So, I replied to her texts. I answered her calls, but kept the conversation brief. I didn't want her to think I'd been ignoring her, even though that's basically what I was doing.

She didn't have to know I was butt hurt by the fact that she had claimed we were just friends, although I'm sure it was a complete lie.

I was doing pretty well until I took a stroll downtown one day and saw each and every store decorated with all things pink, red, and white. Hearts were pasted everywhere, teddy bears singing the words "I love you" were all available for purchase, and almost every florist had a sale on bouquets of roses. It only then occurred to me that Valentine's Day was tomorrow. For the first time in years, I'd be alone. I didn't have work to throw myself into, nor did I have a whole phonebook of numbers belonging to women I could call to keep me company.

_Did you know? Alice and Jasper are going to San Francisco on Valentine's_, Bella's words echoed in my head. I eyed the stuffed animals and the flowers and the gifts, trying to decide between whether I wanted _her_ to be alone or not.

It shouldn't have even been a question.

Of course I didn't want her to be alone.

Just because I was pissed at her for being so back and forth, it didn't mean we couldn't spend a day together as... _friends_, I suppose.

The word was like acid on my tongue, and I almost wanted to spit just by saying it in my head.

I purchased a bouquet of wildflowers and because the arrangement exceeded forty dollars, I received a medium-sized, beige bear holding a heart for free. Along the way home, I made a pit stop at Cupcake Royale and thanked the cashier for wrapping the cupcake in the trademarked pink box.

Before I went to bed, I carefully thought out how I wanted the day to go and sighed in satisfaction when everything seemed to work out according to plan. If Bella agreed to go out, I'm more than sure I'd be able to make her forget all about Alice and Jasper and their mini getaway to California.

My alarm clock woke me up bright and early. I didn't get much sleep because I was actually pretty excited for what today could possibly bring. I showered quickly, brushed my teeth, and dressed casual, yet stylish. Before I walked out, I grabbed my keys and all of the gifts I'd gotten and drove to her place. I debated between calling her or not, and opted to just surprise her at the door.

I left the bear and cupcake in the back seat and walked up the flight of stairs with a grin on my face. Even though I was the one who was keeping my distance, I fucking missed her and couldn't wait to hug her even if it had no meaning behind it. She was slowly becoming a very close friend, and close friends are allowed to miss one another, right?

She came to the door with a messy bun and pajamas, and she still blew me away. It was the corniest thing to ever cross my mind of someone of the opposite sex, but I really couldn't help it.

Bella chastised me for "ignoring" her, and I quickly defended myself by pointing out the fact that I _did_ reply to all of her texts, and I _did_ answer her calls, and I was just busy with unpacking and whatnot, which was partially true.

She huffed and crossed her arms, knowing I'd won the argument. Then she asked, "Edward, do you know what today is?"

I quirked a brow. "Of course I know what today is."

"Does it seem like lonely old me would have anything to do while my best friends are on a plane to California?"

I smiled and chuckled softly. "I was hoping you'd say that because," I pulled out the bouquet of wildflowers from behind my back. "I'm taking you out. Happy Valentine's Day, Bella."

She stared at me in shock, her big brown eyes darting back and forth between me and the arrangement of flowers I'd handed to her. "Do... Do I get any kind of say in this? At all?"

"Hmm," I pondered. "No, not really. Go get dressed."

Her lower lip jutted out, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss it back into place. "Edward, can you at least-"

"Isabella, shut up, and go get ready. Bring a jacket because it might be a bit cold where we're going and a blanket or two for later."

Bella blinked a few times before giving up, stomping to her room and slamming the door to emphasize her anger. I only chuckled to myself and looked for a vase to put the flowers into. My eyes came in contact with the arrangement Jasper had gotten for her not too long ago. I sneered and laughed because mine was better.

Mine came with a free bear.

* * *

"Okay, so," I hummed in thought, "what's your favorite kind of music?"

Bella kept her arms crossed and her focus on the road straight ahead. After she got dressed, I practically had to drag her out the front door and tackle her into the passenger seat because she was _that _hesitant to go where I'd been planning to take her. I didn't know if it was because she thought this was a date or if it was because she merely wanted to sulk about Alice and Jasper, but either way, I wasn't having it.

"I'll tell you if you tell me where we're going, Edward."

I groaned in exasperation. She had been reluctant to tell me anything until I revealed where I was taking her. I wish she could have just been a normal girl, all bouncy and excited because girls like surprises, right? "Can't you just trust me? Are you always so stubborn?"

"Yes, are you always so secretive?"

I chose not to answer that comment and gave up trying to get more info on her. She would love where we were going, I was almost sure of it. I chanced a glance over at her and she still seemed to be fuming. Briefly, I considered giving her the cupcake because I knew it'd calm her down, but decided against it. Instead, I pressed the "next" button on my iPod and smiled when it was a familiar tune Emmett and I used to sing all the time. We'd slide across the floor in our socks and underwear, putting this song as high as it would go when Carlisle and Esme weren't home. It annoyed the living daylights out of Alice, I'm sure.

I hummed along with the tune and eyed Bella. She was still ignoring me. If she and I were going to have a good time, she couldn't ignore me.

"_She says we've got to hold onto what we've got_," I sang, drumming my fingers along the steering wheel. "_It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not_."

Bella stared at me questioningly as I nudged her, knowing damn well she _had_ to have known the lyrics to this song. It was a classic. How could you _not_ know the lyrics to this song? "_We've got each other and that's_ - come on sing with me, Bella."

She stayed quiet.

"_A lot for love, we'll give it a shot_," I took a deep breath. "_Whoaaaa! We're halfway there, whoa! Living on a prayer_ - come on, Bella!"

I laughed out loud and continued to sing along with the next verse, hoping to get her into it. She was chewing down on her bottom lip, to keep from laughing or just because she was irritated, I wasn't sure. I turned the volume up higher as the chorus started coming up again. "Let loose, Bella. You know you want to. _Gina dreams of running away. When she cries in the night, Tommy whispers, 'baby it's okay.' Someday..._"

"_We've got to hold on to what we've got_," Bella finally gave in and sang along, making my smile even wider than it already was. "_It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not_."

"_We got each other_,"

"_And that's a lot for love. We'll give it a shot_!"

We sang along with the chorus, lengthening our "whoa's" and screaming at the tops of our lungs right along with Bon Jovi. The instrumental came on as both of us simultaneously acted like we were playing air guitars. I was thankful we were on the freeway because if not, I'd probably get into a car crash. She whipped her hair around as the words came back on while I rolled down the windows a bit so her hair could blow freely, and she could feel like a rock star.

When the ending of the song neared, Bella and I actually turned to each other, throwing our hearts into the lyrics as we sang off-key and danced along with the beat of the music with the wind in our hair.

We laughed hysterically once the music faded into another melody. Bella reached over to the center console where my iPod was and shuffled through all the music.

"Play something else," I suggested, nudging her with my elbow.

"I'm looking!" she replied, using the scroll wheel to look through the entire list. "Oh my god!"

"What?"

"Seriously, Edward?" Bella laughed loudly, covering her mouth before raising the volume. Once it started, I sunk down in embarrassment and tried to avoid Bella's finger poking into my ribs. "_I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I really really really wanna zig-a-zig ah_!"

"Shut up," I groaned, trying to grab my iPod back from her. "It wasn't me! Alice put it in there!"

"_If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends!_" She slapped her knees, and I couldn't help but chuckle along with her. As much as I hated to admit, the song was pretty damn catchy even if the lyrics were absolutely absurd.

"_If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give_," we sang, "_taking is too easy, but that's the way it is!_"

Then, Bella began doing some kind of an obnoxious dance that a thirteen-year old would do in front of a mirror, and I couldn't help but laugh as she lip-synced to the Spice Girls.

"_Slam your body down, and wind it all around!_" She slammed the roof of my car with her palm. "_Slam your body down, and wind it all around!_"

I guffawed at how well she knew the lyrics to the song and begged her to stop because if she didn't, I think I'd pass out from how hard I was laughing.

She slapped my arm playfully and changed the song at my request. After I'd calmed down from her "Wannabe" episode, I nudged her with my arm. "To thank you for reminding me to thoroughly give Alice a piece of my mind, there's something for you in the backseat."

With a laugh, Bella arched a brow and looked behind her, letting out a small gasp as she reached over and grabbed the bear and boxed cupcake. "It's adorable!" She cuddled the bear close to her chest and sighed. "I think I'm going to name him... Teddie."

"Teddie?" I chuckled.

"Yes, Teddie. T-E-D-D-I-E. Like that nickname you hate with a T in front of it."

I stared at her in shock and wondered how it was exactly that she was aware of that bit of information. Having read the expression on my face, Bella giggled and opened up the Cupcake Royale box. "You forget your sister has been my best friend for years." From my peripherals, I could see a smile light up her face as she pulled out the tiny dessert.

Since it was Valentine's week, they had changed up their cupcakes just a bit. I bought Bella a chocolate cupcake, iced with buttercream frosting and covered with pink, red, and white sprinkles with a flower made of frosting. She pulled off the small "Be My Valentine" decoration and waved it in front of me. "Is this your way of subtly asking me to be your valentine, Edward?"

"Depends," I laughed. "Are you going to say yes?"

She popped the bottom of it into her mouth and licked off the frosting. "I'll get back to you on that."

"You do that. I'll be waiting on your answer."

* * *

After a comfortable drive filled with easy going conversation and regular music, we finally made it to our destination. We'd have to walk a bit, but I didn't mind that because the weather wasn't too bad. It was partly cloudy with a slightly chilled breeze. Bella slipped her jacket on as I went to the trunk and grabbed the basket I'd packed before I picked her up. She eyed me curiously, following as I led the way.

"What's inside?" she asked.

"You'll see."

"Again with the secrets?"

"Again with the stubbornness?"

Bella huffed slightly, but didn't press on the subject any further. When we finally made it, she grinned in anticipation and pulled off her shoes and socks. "A picnic on the beach, I'm guessing?"

"You caught me," I chuckled, reaching into the basket to pull out the blanket I'd packed. Ruby Beach had been a place Carlisle and Esme used to visit when all of us were away at college. I never had the time to see it before I moved out to Chicago, but I was hoping with how much they gushed over it, it'd be worth the many years of waiting.

Bella came down and sat next to me, thanking me quietly when I handed her the pasta salad and a panini. "You know," she started, "this is about thirty miles south of a town called Forks. Ever heard of it?"

I took a bite of my sandwich and shook my head.

"I grew up there, but I've never been here. You figure Charlie would tell me about a beach this extravagant! But no, we always had to settle for First Beach in La Push."

"Charlie?"

"Yeah," Bella said. "My dad. Chief of Police in Forks."

While we ate, we talked about her life in Forks and how she grew up and whatnot. I found out her parents had divorced, and that her mom and stepfather lived in Phoenix, Arizona. She had to do a lot of traveling back and forth for the holidays, and this year it was time to visit her father. I don't know how she was able to do it because if my mother and father had divorced and moved so far away from one another, I'm pretty sure I'd go insane.

She didn't have to ask me too much about my life simply because Alice had already taken care of that. Alice, Emmett, and I were all very close, and I suppose I should've already known that Alice would tell Bella everything about me. I left out the tidbit about the five-minute women in Chicago because I figured it wasn't too good of a topic to use as an icebreaker. She mostly asked about why I chose Chicago, why I decided to move back, and why I had chosen to stay.

Easy questions, simple answers.

I'd feed her the details another time.

It was like tip toeing around eggshells as I retold my stories of Chicago to Bella. I didn't tell her I was a heartbroken fucker who just wanted to get as far away as I could from the woman I gave everything to. I didn't tell her I came back because I was finally ready to move on for good.

She didn't have to know of how much I'd put myself out there.

After we finished our food, we left our shoes and the picnic basket atop the blanket to go dip our feet into the water, which I'm sure was freezing cold.

I stuck my foot in and cringed at how right I was. It seriously felt like liquid hypothermia. I couldn't believe there were actually people in wetsuits swimming. Bella stayed a safe distance away, refusing to come any closer because she was so sure she'd trip and fall face first into the ocean.

"If I can handle this, you can, too! Stop being such a girl and come over here!" I shouted from where I was. When she shook her head and planted her feet into the sand, I only chuckled and pitied her lack of enthusiasm. I sauntered over to her and despite her frantic yells, scooped her up into my arms and threw her over my shoulder.

"Don't throw me in, please don't throw me in!" she begged. "Edward Cullen, I swear if you throw me into the water, I'm going to castrate you in your sleep!"

"Why is it that every time a man pisses off a woman, his mini-me is always the first to be in danger?"

"Because your mini-me is usually the most treasured part of your body. Now, put me down!"

Her little fists were beating into my back, her legs were kicking at a rapid pace, and it was really beginning to get quite irritating. "Quit it, Swan," I said, using my free hand to swat her ass as I stood my ground. "Now, before you give me some kind of make-you-feel-bad speech about how we agreed to be _just_ friends, we are. I slapped your ass. No big deal. Friends do that. What friends don't do is," I used my free hand once again and palmed the same area I had just swatted and laughed when she elbowed the back of my head.

"Now that you've successfully groped and smacked my rump, would you mind letting me down?" she huffed. I hated how fucking cute she could be sometimes. I didn't even see her face and already my plan of scaring her by walking into the water had been an utter failure. Reluctantly, I set her down on the dry sand and flicked her forehead.

"Party pooper," I sighed.

"Ass smacker."

I eyed her humorously and when she shook her head and slapped my hip gently, I knew I was forgiven. We spent the remainder of our time on the beach writing names and drawing shapes into the dampened sand with twigs.

The sun began to set as Bella and I fought over who drew a better Hello Kitty. It wasn't my fault I had no idea how to draw the damned mouthless cat. Bella had Hello Kitty printed onto various pairs of her underwear (at least that's what Alice had said), so I knew she was going to draw it, or her - or whatever gender that kitty is - flawlessly.

We both stopped our bickering as soon as the sun disappeared behind the huge rock on the water. I now understood why Carlisle and Esme came here so often. The view was absolutely breathtaking. The sky seemed to explode into splashes of a heavy violet and a sun-kissed orange, illuminating the surface of the water like it had been set on fire. There were nice sunsets in Chicago, but from what I remembered, nothing even remotely close to the sunsets in Washington.

Bella had a soft smile on her face when I peeked over at her. She seemed to appreciate the sunset just as much as I did and because she grew up only a few miles from here, I'm sure it brought back memories. Perhaps her and her father had watched a few together. We admired the sky above us in silence, only speaking when we were the only ones left on the beach.

The sky had darkened completely, the wind had become too cold, and our jackets were not enough of a source of warmth anymore, so we decided to leave. I packed up everything and led her back to the Volvo, letting her know our day wasn't over just yet.

She didn't ask where we were going as I drove back to Seattle. Bella seemed utterly fascinated by the beige bear she had named Teddie. I couldn't help but grin at how adorable it was to see her that way.

The drive back was shorter than the drive there, and we made it to our second destination with no troubles at all.

"I've always wanted to ride the swings at night," Bella laughed as she realized where we were. "But it was hard to since, you know, playgrounds are actually off-limits after a certain time, and my dad's a cop."

I laughed and gestured to the large swing set a few feet away from us. "Well, your father isn't here now, so how about you risk it this one time?"

_**Bella Swan**_

I felt like such a kid again as I skipped over to the swings. It seemed like forever and a day since I'd been to a playground and as I sat down on the squeaky rubber, memories of my childhood flooded my head.

Memories of when everything was okay between Renee and Charlie. Memories of when I woke up to two parents at the breakfast table instead of one. Memories of when they'd take me to playgrounds like this one and push me until I felt like I could touch the clouds.

I was too lost in my trip down memory lane that I didn't even notice Edward behind me, gently shoving me forward so my body could get some momentum to move. I pulled my legs back and jutted them forward like I used to do when I was a kid, loving the feeling of the wind against my face.

I felt carefree for the first time in a while.

He moved away and stood against the pole when I was swinging high enough, watching as I giggled and enjoyed myself underneath the moonlit sky.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Like," I paused, looking for the word, "like I'm learning to fly."

Edward chuckled and continued to watch as I swung back and forth. I briefly wondered why he didn't just hop on the swing right next to me, but decided I was having too much fun to question it. Once my head was dizzy from the constant back and forth motions, I stuck my feet into the tanbark beneath us and slowed myself down. "Edward?"

He looked at me. "Yeah?"

I looked back at him and tried to rip away the exterior to get to the man beneath. Something seemed to be missing in his story about Chicago. After seeing how much he loved his family, his explanation of suddenly having an abrupt decision to move "just because he felt like it" didn't seem to suffice. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"The real reason why you moved to Chicago. And the real reason why you moved back."

His eyes softened at my request as he ran a hand through his hair and sighed softly. Edward was guarded when it came to Chicago, and I knew there had to have been a reason as to why he closed himself off from talking about it too much. There were secrets beneath that hard exterior, pain underneath his steadily beating heart. One doesn't etch a permanent initial onto themselves without having some kind of reason behind it, and I really wanted to know what it was.

He knew my secret.

It was my turn to ask about his.

"How about I give you... the simplified version?" He pushed himself off the pole he was leaning on and stood in front of my swing, refusing to meet my eyes as he kicked a bottle cap underneath his foot. "I was originally supposed to go to Seattle University. I wanted to stay close to home so I could see my family whenever I felt like it. I wanted to be there for Alice's graduation, for my parent's birthdays, and the holidays and all that good stuff."

I looked up at him, waiting for him to continue.

He held out his wrist and showed me the black "T", allowing me to gently run my thumb over it as he spoke, "This stands for Tanya, as I'm sure you remember. She was... my girlfriend of five years when I got this marked on myself. I was ready to commit myself to her and wanted to show her that in another way other than asking her to marry me since I'd already done that."

"You two were engaged?" I asked in surprise.

His eyes shut as he nodded slowly. "It ended as soon as it happened. I was ready to show her on our anniversary. But, she was too busy cheating on me with my best friend to even remember it was our special day."

My eyes widened as I slapped my hand over my mouth in shock. "Edward, I-"

"No, no, don't say sorry," he interrupted. "It's okay. Really. I was just, too much of a coward to face her after that, so I took the easy way out and fled to the farthest college I'd gotten accepted to. My parents asked me over and over if it was what I really wanted, and I told them it was. Next thing you know, I'm leaving everyone I love behind because I was too much of a moron to have not seen it sooner."

He chuckled darkly. "I decided after that, that the T would stand for temptation. That I would never again be tempted to throw myself out there the way I did before. Love is a dangerous game, Bella. A dangerous game that can rip you apart, or send you soaring depending on which path you're led down. I think both you and I know that better than anyone."

I nodded slowly, watching as he took a step closer to me. The hurt was vivid in his expression now, the haunting memories of what used to be plaguing through his thoughts, and I felt horrible for bringing it up. Before I could get the words out to apologize, he spoke again.

"See, for years and years I kept myself away from feeling anything involving my heart. I closed myself off and refused to let anyone in, in fear of history repeating itself." He stroked my cheek tenderly, running his thumb over my lower lip as my heart thundered in my chest. "And yet, here I am with you, telling you the story of my life that hardly anybody knows. Feeling things I haven't felt in so long, feeling things I haven't _allowed_ myself to feel in so long... I just, don't get it."

Edward placed his hands on the chains of the swing, making my breath hitch with the intensity blazing within his emerald eyes. "How is it that you do this to me, Bella?" he whispered, leaning down closer to my face while I instinctively pulled away, chewing down on my lower lip because we had agreed we were going to be friends and nothing more.

"I can't," I sighed, shaking my head. "I can't do this."

He hooked his finger underneath my chin and pulled my face up gently. "Do you honestly believe that this," he gestured between himself and me, "is being _just_ friends?"

I swallowed hard. "Yes."

He stayed still for a second and then closed the small distance between us, molding his inviting lips with my own. It only seemed to last for a second before he pulled away. "Lie to me then, and tell me you didn't feel anything."

My mouth opened because I was ready to tell him I felt nothing, but he was right.

It'd be a lie.

There _was _something, and even if it was the tiniest, smallest thing, it was still there.

I was ready to lie. I was good at it. I had everyone believing the biggest lie of all - that I wasn't in love with Jasper. If I could do that, I could surely do this.

"I'm not lying when I say there's nothing there, Edward."

"I don't believe you," he replied almost immediately. His fingers tightened around the chains as he pulled me closer, leaving me no room to run or escape. "There _is_ something. There has to be. I just know it."

"Edward-"

"Don't you feel your heartbeat when we're around each other? It matches my own." He took my hand and placed it on his chest, holding it there as he pierced through me with his sultry eyes. "I think it's about time you and I both stop lying to ourselves and to each other and just admit that there's something there. Maybe you can lie to Jasper, perhaps you can lie to Alice. But stop lying to me. Don't you dare continue to tell me I am just your friend because I know I'm not."

I couldn't utter out a single word as he leaned in and placed an open-mouthed kiss against my throat. "Your feelings for me are there, Bella," he whispered, "you're just ignoring them."

I felt my knees go unsteady and my breathing hitch as those words left his mouth. I wanted to deny him, tell him he was wrong, and that I had no feelings for him _to_ ignore, but I couldn't get it out there. With his body so very close to mine and his words still lingering in the air around us, I just couldn't find it in me to push him away.

"I don't care if you still love Jasper," Edward murmured. "I don't care if it takes you days or weeks or months to let go, because I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like you don't affect me when you do. Tired of trying to distance myself when I know I just can't stay away. I can't do it anymore, Bella. I won't." He caressed my face gently, pulling at my heartstrings with the depth and intensity beneath his gorgeous, green eyes. "I don't care if I'm not the first guy in your life. Or the second, or even the third, or fourth, or whatever. I don't care if I have to compete with Jasper. But, what I want you to know... is that you and me, we're not _just_ friends. We were never just friends, Bella."

"Edward..."

Again, he cut me off. "Listen to me. If even after all this, you still believe I am nothing but your friend, then fine. I will back off. I'll be everything a friend should be - supportive and understanding. I will push it all away if it would make you happy," he paused. "But if you _do _feel something, if there is just the slightest hint of anything more... then ask me to kiss you."

I swallowed down the huge lump in my throat and tried to look away, but I just couldn't. My mouth opened to protest, or to agree, I wasn't even sure anymore. My heart and mind were fighting for dominance, torn between what I knew I wanted and what I was sure I needed.

The lines were severely blurred now, and I didn't know who belonged in what category anymore.

Yes, I was in love with Jasper. But at the same time, I couldn't deny the attraction and feelings I had for Edward anymore.

I was a selfish girl who wanted a man who'd love me even though I couldn't fully love him back. It was my reasoning behind the walls I built to keep Edward out. I didn't want to fall for him if he wasn't going to be ahead of Jasper.

But despite my crazy and incredibly unrequited feelings for my best friend, Edward wanted me. Regardless of all my flaws and insecurities and cracks and brokenness, Edward wanted me.

He knew everything... and he _still_ wanted me.

I closed my eyes and felt his lips just a short distance away. "Edward."

His grip tightened on the chains, and he leaned in closer. So close that if I had moved just a centimeter or less, our lips would lock.

"Please," I pleaded.

"Please what, Bella?" he asked lowly. "Say it out loud."

He knew everything.

"Please, kiss me."

And he still wanted me.

Without having to be asked twice, he closed that small centimeter of a gap between us, and I almost screamed from the realization that Edward was absolutely right. There was no use in denying it even though I kept using Jasper as an excuse.

I didn't love Edward, but what I felt for him was real. It was right in front of my very eyes now because I had finally pulled myself out of denial.

_Your feelings for me are there, Bella, you're just ignoring them_.

He couldn't have been more right.

And even though I loved Jasper, and even though Edward's heart was broken for years, I couldn't stop my eyes from fluttering closed as I sighed into his mouth and basked in his warmth. We were a fucked up, troubled pair seeking for comfort, both dying to let go of the past. He understood me just as I understood him.

Two wrongs coming together shouldn't have felt so right, but it just... _did_. It felt more right than anything else in that moment, and I lost myself in the feeling of being so carefree of everything else except what was right in front of me. _Edward_.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning into my body more as I placed my feet on the ground and held onto the chains beside me.

The kiss, quite literally, took my breath away. Never had I been kissed so passionately and so gently at the same time. I took my hands off the chains of the swing and wrapped them around his neck to pull him against me because it felt like I really couldn't get close enough.

"Oh, Bella," he whispered against my mouth, softly nipping at my bottom lip before touching his tongue to mine.

I moaned quietly and twisted my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, dizzy at the intensity of how good it felt to kiss him this way. He gave my lip another gentle bite before he pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine. "You are the sweetest torture, Isabella."

My fingers remained in his hair, our lips close enough to touch, and our bodies welded together like it was an art. "What does this mean?"

Edward leaned in to kiss me again and released the chains on the swing, wrapping his arms around me and hoisting my body off the seat. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held onto his neck, burying my face into his shoulder as he walked us to his car.

"We don't have to talk details now. We'll figure it out, Bella. Don't worry," Edward murmured into my ear. "For now, I'm happy with this. I don't care about labels or anything else. Just you."

I smiled against his skin and kissed the blade of his clothed shoulder. "I don't care either."

Once we made it back to his car, he somehow managed to unlock and open the doors and still hold me up. I pulled away from his shoulder and looked into his smoldering eyes, pushing back the strands of hair that had fallen astray.

"Go out on a date with me," he whispered. "A real date. None of that non-date stuff anymore."

I froze as his words from not too long ago echoed inside my head. It was the night on the steps when he'd mentioned another non-date once again. "But, I'm not ready to let go of him just yet, Edward."

"I told you I didn't care about how long it took you."

I bit my lower lip and stroked the side of his face. "I'll get back to you on that."

"You do that," he sighed with a small smile. "I'll be waiting on your answer."

Edward kissed my lips once more before putting me into the car. He walked around to the other side and started up the engine, and just like that, we were off.

The light melody of the song on his iPod echoed throughout the car as I stared at the darkened scenery flying past us. Never before had I ever had such an eventful Valentine's Day. My thoughts drifted to my two best friends and how they were doing in San Francisco, and for the first time in a long time, thinking of them together didn't hurt as much as it used to.

I was lost in my own state of mind, only being brought back to reality when suddenly I felt Edward's hand graze tentatively across my knee. He looked over at me quickly, flashing the infamous crooked grin that could put every single worry I had at ease. _Things will be okay_, he was telling me.

I smiled and put my own above his, twining our fingers together before letting our joined hands rest in my lap.

A comfortable silence filled the car as we made our way back home. I must have drifted off to sleep because one second I was looking out the window and the next, Edward was shaking me gently, already parked against the curb in front of my apartment building.

He got out and walked around to my side of the car, opening the door with Teddie tucked underneath his arm. I was groggy from sleep and tired from the long day, so he helped me get up the stairs and paused when we reached by door.

Before I could utter out a single word, Edward pulled me close and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, burying his nose into my hair as he sighed softly.

"Thank you, Bella," he murmured, "for letting me take you out today."

"I should be thanking _you_. If you hadn't had come over, I would have been here, mulling over the idea of Alice and Jasper alone miles away. I had an amazing time today, I really did. Thank you so much."

He pulled away just enough to tuck my hair behind my ear. "You're more than welcome, Bella." With a kiss to my forehead and one more goodbye, he turned and made his way back to the stairwell.

I bit my lip and sighed shakily, calling out, "Edward, wait." Slowly, I walked over to him and placed my hands on his shoulders, noticing he was a step lower than me so our heights were a little more evened out.

"Yes, I'll go out on a date with you." I focused on his stunned, emerald green eyes while running my fingers through his soft, tousled hair as I leaned in and captured his lips with mine. He took in a breath through his nose and snaked his arms around my waist, holding me closer to his body as I smiled to myself.

"And yes," I breathed after pulling away, resting my forehead against his, "you _are_ my valentine, Edward Cullen."

He laughed and kissed my neck ever so gently. "A bit late for that, but I'll take it."

"Better late than never?"

Edward gave me a crooked grin and nodded. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"And I'll answer." He gave me one last peck before heading down the stairs as I walked back to my apartment, happier than I had been in a while.

So maybe I wasn't over Jasper, and maybe Edward and I weren't officially an item, but I knew and he knew that somehow, someway, things would be okay.

_We'll figure it out, Bella. Don't worry_.

I washed off my light makeup and went to bed, snuggled against Teddie with thoughts of a very memorable Valentine's day flashing through my head. It was the most peaceful sleep I'd had in weeks, and I imagined it was probably because it was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen.

* * *

_**End of Chapter Thirteen**_

* * *

**Author's Notes:** See? Yay! Baby steps, right? Told you this chapter was an important one. I kid you not when it comes to matters of importance. Hopefully you'll all forgive me for the two-month disappearing act I pulled. Pictures are up on my profile under ALLTB goodies. Go take a looksee if you enjoy visuals!

Lots of you answered the last question with either your mothers, your hubbys (unless said hubby is the reason for you being upset), or your best girlfriends. I run to one (or all) of four people: Jen - the closest person I have to a best friend, Erica - my Twinkie for life, Jamie - the male version of me, or Anthony - my male counterpart's best friend. So I can either run to girls or boys. Depends on the situation, really. Thanks for answering, everyone! It's nice to hear more about all of you! :)

Next question: What is the best gift you've ever received?

_Love_,  
**BB**


	14. Untouchable

**Author's Notes:** I fail. I know I do, I'm so sorry. I could sit here and spew reason after reason for why I haven't updated or answered reviews or PMs, but it would honestly be a waste of your time. I don't want to give any excuses and will accept any loss of readers my absence has caused. But for those of you still with me, I love you all. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the reviews on the last chapter and for helping ALLTB hit 1K reviews! I'm awestruck and completely in love with you all for doing so. Mega thanks to my beta-Twinkie for the excitement she always has whenever I mention updating, for talking to me in desperate times of need, and for being the friend she always promised she'd be. I love you hard, soulmate!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own. Sadly.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Untouchable**

"_Untouchable like a distant diamond sky, I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why. I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you. Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun. And when you're close I feel like coming undone_."

* * *

**_Bella Swan_**

I was in the midst of the most calming sleep I'd had in a very long time.

Was being the operative word.

Three loud knocks echoed throughout my quiet apartment, and I groaned audibly into the pillow against my face, pulling Teddie closer in hopes he could somehow work some stuffed bear magic and shut the noise up. I figured it was one of my obnoxious neighbors who loved to bug me for the most random of things. And maybe, just maybe, if I pretended to sleep and ignore them, they'd peacefully walk away.

Wrong.

Whoever it was didn't relent with their knocking and as much as I wanted to march over there and give them a piece of my mind, the hopeful part of my brain kept chanting they'd grow irritated with my lack of response and just leave me alone.

"Bella, I know you're probably awake so how about you make this easy for the both of us and just let me in?"

My eyes immediately narrowed at the voice coming from the outside of the door. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours ago that I was having a lovely dream of Edward Cullen and how ridiculously sweet he was. And now that was shot to hell. Not only had the real Edward ruined my dream Edward, but he was also pounding on my door at seven in the morning on a Sunday.

I was going to give him a piece of my mind, dammit. With a huff, I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and slumped over to the door. Once I opened it, I nearly lost all the determination I had to chew him out for coming over so early. He, yet again, looked like he had just stepped off a magazine cover.

"Cute," he smirked, giving my wardrobe and hair a once-over. "Didn't have to get all dolled up for me, Bella."

I snorted at his sarcasm. "Mind filling me in on why you decided to grace me with your presence?"

"Whoa, meooow," Edward laughed and grabbed my arm, pressing a light kiss to the inside of my wrist. "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Should I be afraid of you clawing my face off, little angry kitty?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes in humor and gave up being angry. As irritated as I was that I was rudely awakened on a weekend, him being around me settled my aggravation. "I won't claw your face off so long as you have a good explanation for why you couldn't wait until normal hours to come over."

He tugged on the blanket wrapped around my shoulders and nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. "Would you believe me if I said I just couldn't wait any longer to see you?"

His breath was warm and ticklish against my skin, and I sighed in somewhat contentment that the feeling from last night had returned. "Is that the reason?"

"Half of the reason," he corrected.

"The other half?"

"I remember you telling me you'd go out on a date with me. Or have you already forgotten?"

I remembered very well that I agreed to go out on a date with Edward, I just didn't think that it'd be less than a day after I'd said it. "And where exactly is this date going to be if it requires you to be here before the rest of the city is up?"

"I can't tell you that. But I can promise you that no one will have ever taken you there for a first date."

I raised a brow. "You think my love life is _that_ boring?"

"I never said that. I just know for a fact that no guy will have even thought to take you there." He pulled away from my neck to roll up the sleeves of his dark green button-up. "Now, go take a shower and get dressed, and I'll make you some breakfast."

There was really no point in arguing when it came to an argument with Edward, so I didn't even bother. I sucked in my pouty lip and swallowed down any snooty remark I was ready to throw at him and instead walked back into my bedroom and turned on the warm water in the shower.

After lathering, rinsing, and repeating, I stepped out feeling refreshed and actually excited for what was to come. I had no clue what Edward had up his sleeve, but he promised I'd probably never been there on a date, so that really piqued my curiosity. After blow-drying my hair and taming it down as best as I could with a brush, I threw on a casual, gray long sleeve and my favorite pair of regular skinny jeans. This was going to be our first official date and judging from Edward's apparel choice, we were going down the casual route. I honestly didn't mind because fancy French restaurants that had you use three different types of forks and cost the same as an iPod for a three-course meal was really not my scene.

Once I finished up with a brush of mascara and a touch of lip-gloss, I opened my bedroom door and the mouth-watering aromas of whatever Edward was preparing hit me like a ton of bricks. Any previous thought I'd had about being mad at him dissipated as I wandered into the kitchen. He had already prepared me a plate of bacon, an omelet, buttered toast, fresh fruit and a glass of orange juice. I don't know why his omelet smelled heavenly while mine usually just smelled like eggs cooked with Pam cooking spray.

Edward smiled and gestured for me to sit at the couch with him since I didn't have a dining table we could have seated ourselves at. He handed me my plate and after I thanked him, we both dug in and fell into easy conversation like always.

* * *

After we finished breakfast, he told me to give him my basket full of dirty laundry sitting in the corner of my bedroom. I honestly had no idea why he'd even ask for such a thing, but I handed it over since it was like I'd mentioned earlier, there was no winning when it came to arguing with Edward Cullen.

To say I was shocked upon realizing _why_ he'd asked for my dirty laundry would be the understatement of the decade. While I stood beside his car, still flabbergasted, he made his way into the Laundromat with both his clothes and mine.

I tried asking myself if this was some sort of a joke. Was he really taking me to a place full of washers and dryers for our first date? Really?

I followed him in shortly after and found that besides an elderly woman and a middle-aged couple on the other side of the room, we were the only ones there. I spotted Edward at some kind of a vending machine with different varieties of laundry detergent and fabric softeners inside.

"Are you a Downy girl? Or do you prefer Gain or Bounce, or even Tide?" he asked, looking very thoughtful as he tried to decide which to pick.

"Edward, I don't mean to sound like a total brat, but, are you serious?" I raised a brow at him when he turned to me with the same thoughtful look still plastered on his face.

"Very. I've always used Downy, but if you use something else, I'm willing to deal with change."

My mouth dropped open in realization that he was freaking serious. We were doing our dirty laundry for our first date.

When I didn't reply to his question about which detergent and softener I used, he picked his own and I reluctantly followed him to the back corner where he began to load in his clothes. Darks with darks, whites with whites. I did the same with my clothes and threw them into the washer right next to his. He was definitely right, no guy had ever taken me to a Laundromat before. Not even Charlie or Jasper.

Once he inserted a numerous amount of coins into both machines, we each leaned against the vacant washers and watched as our clothes tumbled back and forth in the soapy water. There was somewhat of an awkward silence between us until he chuckled and pushed his little clothes cart in front of me. I arched a brow at him and pushed it back.

He smirked and pushed it with a little more strength, bumping it into my ass and causing me to squeak out in surprise.

"Just what is your problem, Cullen?" I huffed, pointing at the clothing cart I had used. "I've got my own. I don't need yours. Or if you want me to take it back to the front, just ask instead of shoving it at me."

Just as I said that, Edward zoomed past me while standing on his freaking cart. My eyes widened as I watched him glide down the aisle of washers and dryers, immediately remembering the first rule on the sign above us, "No riding on or inside the carts."

And since I really didn't want to be kicked out and be forced to drag soaking wet clothes home, I chased after him. I was actually quite surprised that the dinky cart held his weight as he raced away from me, chuckling loud enough for me to know he was doing this on purpose. The nerve!

"You know," he called out, "it'd be easier if you got on one too."

"It's against the rules of this place, Edward! It says so right there." I pointed at the sign above us.

"It's against the rules," Edward mocked. "I'm all about breaking the rules, you know."

And with a cocky grin and another annoyingly cute chuckle, he went off in another direction. I sighed and eyed the unused cart beside me, mentally berating myself for even considering it. But, he made it look so fun, he seemed so carefree, and...

Oh, to hell with the rules.

I hopped up onto the cart and squealed once it moved on its own from the pressure of my weight. I followed Edward's tactic and pushed at the ground with one foot as I glided down the tiles of the Laundromat. It was like riding one of those scooters when you were a kid. Suddenly, I was glad the place was somewhat deserted and that the manager was doing his own thing on the other side.

A flash of dark green zoomed by, and I laughed in victory because I had finally caught up. Edward must have heard me giggle because just as I was about to pass him up, he turned around and kicked my cart back a few feet. It made a loud noise, and I knew at that moment we'd been spotted. The manager cleared his throat and eyed us like we were the plague before walking back in the other direction.

Edward gave me a crooked grin and came towards my cart. "I didn't mean to kick you back, it was a reflex," he explained, wrapping his arm around the small of my back.

"You are such a child," I giggled, inhaling the scent of his shirt that was most definitely Downy.

Once we got back to our machines, it was time to put our clothes in the dryer. I still had no idea why Edward suddenly felt the need to do laundry, but I wasn't concerned any longer. I was having fun, as I always seemed to have whenever he was around. His childish attitude was adorable and so contagious I could hardly stand it. Our clothes dried faster than they washed, surprisingly. Once I had everything in my cart, I wheeled it over to a vacant folding table with Edward right behind me.

"Hey, Bella?" Edward was peering into my cart, eyeing my laundry like he was up to something totally not good.

"What, Edward?" I shot back with a hint of a smile.

"Since this is a date, how about we switch things up? You fold my clothes, and I'll fold yours."

"You know," I started, "it's funny that you mention the word 'date'. Typically when two people go out on a date, they go to a restaurant or the movies or something. But, here we are at the Laundromat. Care to explain?" I know I had said I didn't care anymore, but the curiosity was killing me.

He just smirked and said absolutely nothing as he took my cart and pushed his at me. I rolled my eyes at his avoidance and decided to just fold his clothes. Maybe the dinner or movie part of the date would be coming up, and I just needed to be patient.

We folded each other's laundry in silence. I sorted his piles according to color. I didn't really know if he organized his clothes a certain way, but he'd just have to put up with what I was giving him.

"Ohh hoh, what do we have here?" Edward chuckled, holding up one of my favorite pairs of Hello Kitty panties. "Alice wasn't lying."

"Hey!" I shrieked as my face flushed red, and I jumped out to get them. He was taller and quicker, so he easily evaded me and held them up higher, smiling down at me like he'd just won the jackpot. "Edward!"

"Give me a kiss, and they're yours."

"They _are_ mine, idiot! Now, hand them back!"

He puckered out his lips and wiggled his eyebrows and suddenly all the anger within me melted away. I tried as best as I could to appear pissed, but my yelling soon transitioned into laughs and before I even realized it, his arms were around my waist with his forehead pressed against mine, Hello Kitty panties in hand.

"Have I ever told you how much I enjoy making you laugh?" Edward asked, his sweet breath fanning over my lips.

I shook my head and snagged my panties back, shoving them into the front of my shirt before he could protest.

He threw his head back and laughed. It was such an honest, comforting sound. "You act like I wouldn't take them from there."

"Would you?"

"I would."

I tsk'ed him and crossed my arms across my chest. "No kiss for you for admitting you'd reach into my shirt on the first date."

"Are you going to kiss me at all on this date, Bella? I'm dying here," he joked, snaking his arms tighter around me.

"I don't kiss on first dates."

"Oh, yeah? But you've kissed me before."

"Doesn't count. We were never on an official date."

Suddenly, he hoisted my body up and sat me down on the folding table behind us, placing his hands down on each side of the table beside my hips. "So, how many official dates does it take before I get my kiss?" Without giving me a chance to answer or mention the rule about not sitting on the tables, he gently pressed his mouth against my neck once. Then another time. And once more after that.

My eyes involuntarily closed at the contact as I ran my hands up his well-defined arms. Even through the fabric of his shirt I could feel the muscles of his biceps and triceps as he leaned in to kiss my collarbone. Without thinking, I softly pulled my fingers through his tousled hair and giggled when his lips and slightly rough chin pressed against my throat. I wondered when was the last time he'd shaved.

"Mm, not only do I get to make you laugh, but I get to feel it, too? Do that again," he murmured against my skin.

"It tickles, Edward. Ever heard of shaving?"

Instead of answering, he just nuzzled his scruff against my neck and I, for some reason, just laughed and pulled him closer. He looked up at me with those shining emerald eyes, and I damned my first date rule, wanting nothing more in that moment than to kiss him like the night before.

"You two again?" The manager's voice startled us both, and I immediately hopped down off the table. He looked furious. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you cannot respect the policies of this vicinity."

With a shrug, Edward tossed both our piles of clothes into the same cart and began wheeling it out to the entrance. I followed after him, wondering why he paused in the middle of the aisle.

"You still didn't answer my question about the kiss, Swan." He flashed me a crooked grin and held his hand out.

With a roll of my eyes, I slipped my hand into his and entwined our fingers together. "Guess you'll just have to wait and see, now won't you, Cullen?"

* * *

**_Edward Cullen_**

After we left the Laundromat, Bella and I headed back to my parent's place since I had agreed to housesit for them while they went on their annual Valentine's getaway. They never told any of us where they went, so they could have a weekend to themselves. If we really, desperately needed either of them for anything, we could always call their cells, but usually that was never the case. They may have been my parents, but they were still a normal couple deeply in love and needed their space every now and then.

I surprised Bella yet again when I had her change into one of my old shirts from high school and a pair of shorts from Alice's old room. She protested at first but eventually gave in when I refused to back down. I had to admit, seeing my track shirt from high school on Bella was pretty damn hot. Especially since "E. CULLEN" was ironed onto the back. I was pretty small back then, but the shirt still engulfed her and made the shorts she was wearing seem barely there. I shouldn't have been thinking thoughts like that, but I really couldn't help it. She stared at me as I filled a bucket with water from the hose, making suds float out the top. I felt her gaze on me and laughed before I tossed her a sponge. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"The second part of our date is me helping you wash your car? Are you serious?"

"I'm very serious. Can't drive a dirty Volvo around, right?"

"You need to pick up one of those dating books." Bella rolled her eyes with a snort and dipped the sponge into the bucket. After it was thoroughly covered in soapy water, she leaned over the hood and started scrubbing the windshield. I smirked at the sight and whistled at her, holding back a laugh as she flipped me off.

I went to work on the tires and left side of the car while she scrubbed at the windows and the right side. I kept peeking underneath the Volvo to steal glances at her long legs as she tiptoed to reach the roof of the car. Just as I ducked down to peek again, she was gone.

And that was when I felt the hose spray at me from the side, drenching the right half of my body.

The culprit was none other than Bella, who had the sexiest "Yeah I'm guilty, so the fuck what" grin on her face. I made a note to get her to wash cars more often.

"If you're going to ogle my legs, at least do it in a less obvious way." And just because she was a tease, she pulled on the lower half of my track shirt and tied it so the lower half of her torso peeked out at me. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a backseat window to scrub."

Two can play at that game.

"You're absolutely right, Bella. I'm sorry if my staring made you uncomfortable." I grabbed the hem of my soaked t-shirt and flung it to the side, internally grinning as her eyes widened. It was more than obvious she was trying to stare through the windows of the Volvo, but since she was the one who had just put soap on them, there was no one to blame but herself.

"We're only on our first date," she said, "and already you're half-naked. Something is wrong with that picture."

I chuckled heartily and crossed my arms over my chest, leaning against the hood to watch as she scrubbed furiously at the door handles. "You've gone to beaches, haven't you? Men are half-naked all the time, and I'm sure you haven't gone on dates with them, right? Look at it this way, not only are we on a date, but I've also kissed you, so I'm two steps ahead."

"You grabbed my ass yesterday too, don't forget that."

"See? Three steps ahead of every other guy you've seen half-naked." Bella said nothing in response to that, and I took a few steps closer to her. "You don't have to do anything else. I'll take care of the rest." I grabbed her hand and took the sponge from her, dropping it to the concrete as I snaked my other hand into the back of her hair. "May I point out that I like you in that shirt a little too much?"

She smiled slightly and as I leaned in towards her mouth, she whispered, "I found your other tattoo." Her thumb gently rubbed over the ink along the V cut on my abdomen, and I tried desperately hard not to make any kind of noise that would offend her. "What does it say?"

The words inked onto my skin dipped downwards where her eyes couldn't see, and as much as I wanted to tell her what it was, I held off. "One of these days, you just might find out. What's your middle name?"

"What?"

"What's your middle name? Tell me so you forget this is our first date and you'll let me kiss you."

She laughed that insanely beautiful laugh of hers and placed her hands on my bare chest. "Marie. My middle name is Marie. Yours?"

"Anthony," I whispered. "Now, can I kiss you?"

I didn't wait for a confirmation or even a denial and just went in for the kill. Her lips always felt amazing. The way they molded so fittingly against my own, and the softness they always held. I sighed into her mouth, the smell of car soap and wet pavement heavy in the air around us as I pressed her up against my dampened Volvo.

Her hands were cold and wet and left goosebumps along my arms as she twisted her fingers into my hair, inviting me even closer than we already were. We were so in the moment that I was bold enough to try and go one step further. Slowly, I slipped my tongue inside her mouth and groaned quietly when I made contact with her own. Suddenly, her touch didn't feel so cold anymore. My body was on fire, burning with the intensity of merely kissing her against my car.

I caressed her neck, she pulled my hair, I licked her lower lip, and she moaned in response. It was the absolute best first-date kiss, ever.

"I like when you kiss me like that," I whispered into her ear. A flush crept up her neck, and I was more than sure my eyes darkened with the lust building within me for her. But, the last thing I wanted was to fuck up whatever it was Bella and I were. There was no way Five-minute Edward was coming anywhere near Bella.

"So do I," she murmured as her fingers danced along the length of my spine. Her smile was genuine, as was the sparkle in her eyes as I leaned down and gave her a gentle touch to the lips.

I would not fuck this up.

We eventually finished washing my car and went back inside to clean up afterwards. She used one shower, and I used the one in Esme and Carlisle's room. When we both came down the stairs, the temperature had chilled slightly, so I brought us a blanket and warmed hot chocolate with marshmallows as we made ourselves comfortable on the couch.

"So, will you at least tell me now what was up with the Laundromat and the car washing?" she asked humorously, sipping on her mug.

"Bella," I started, "everyone does the movie and dinner thing, and other people do the fancy candlelit dinner crap. That's not me. I enjoy the simple things. Like, spending quality time with a girl I like doing things that normal people do. If we went to watch a movie, I'd spend all that time staring at the screen when I could have been talking to you."

A smile lit up her face as she spoke into her cup. "You like me?"

I rolled my eyes and pulled her mug away for just a second to kiss her. "That's hardly a secret."

"So, planning on another date, Cullen?"

"If your answer is yes."

"Yes," she answered almost immediately. "As long as if we wash cars again, we wash mine."

"Done," I agreed. A slight bit of foam on her mouth from the hot chocolate caught my eye; I leaned in and licked it off her upper lip before she had the chance to wipe it off. The signature Bella Swan blush was back as she peered into her cup and coughed to hide her embarrassment. I honestly thought it was adorable as hell.

"Let's play twenty-one questions," she suggested. "Since, we're still on our date and all."

I grinned. "Okay. Shoot."

"What's your secret for your omelets?"

I chuckled and settled into the couch because of all the questions she could possibly ask, she just had to ask that one. "I didn't make breakfast. I ordered in. Truthfully, I can't even cook. It's so damn sad."

She giggled, and I instantly didn't feel so stupid anymore. Her laugh was like the ultimate remedy for anything. I pinched her ankle jokingly and pulled her legs into my lap, playing with the hem of her socks. "Okay, Ms. I-make-Edward-feel-so-inadequate, here's a question for you, am I a good kisser?"

"You can't ask me something like that, you cheater!"

"We never established what could and couldn't be asked, so answer," I retaliated, pinching her ankle again and delighting in the damned cute squeak she made as I did so.

"Fine," she huffed, leaning her head back against the couch. "Yes. You kiss... well."

"Hmm, I see," I took her cup of hot chocolate and set it down on the coffee table in front of us. "Would you like me to change your opinion of 'well' into 'fuckawesome'?"

"Fuckawesome is not even a word, Edward, go get yourself a dictionary." She planted her palm over my mouth. "You're not my boyfriend, so you can't very well get all the benefits of one, now can you?"

I pulled her hand away. "You, Isabella Marie Swan, are a goddamned tease."

"And you, Edward Anthony Cullen, are addicted to making out. Maybe I should get you some professional help?"

"Or you could just kiss me and we'd both be happy?"

Just when I thought I had her, mere centimeters away from my lips, the door opened and an audible gasp sounded throughout the living room.

"No... way?!" Alice shrieked, jumping up and down from where she was, dropping her bags of what I assumed were souvenirs, to the ground. "Don't tell me. Don't freaking tell me you two are?!"

I laughed and shook my head from side to side. "Ali, it's not--"

"We are," Bella interrupted. "Edward and I, we're together. As of last night. He asked me to be his girlfriend after he took me home. Isn't that wonderful?!"

"Oh my god, Bells!" Alice screamed and leaped in her direction, hugging her like she believed it was true.

My jaw literally dropped. Not even thirty seconds ago, she was refusing to kiss me because she didn't think I should receive all the benefits of a boyfriend when I clearly wasn't one. I stared at her questioningly, following her line of sight and that's when it dawned on me.

She wasn't telling Alice. She wasn't telling me.

She was fucking telling Jasper.

And by the looks of it, Jasper wasn't happy at all, which must have been exactly what Bella had been going for.

The sparkle in her chocolate-kissed eyes was gone. Her hands pushed away from mine. The invisible wall around her heart was back up, and I damned myself for thinking I had made progress.

Just like that, the glorious weekend and the feelings I thought I evoked in her disappeared into nothingness, and her unrequited love for Jasper bubbled back to the surface.

And to be honest, I really didn't know how the hell to feel about it.

Fuck.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Sigh. As much as we would all love for Jezebels to get off the Jasper bandwagon and hop on the Edward express, we all know it can't happen just like that, right? The ALLTB heartfail is making its way back into the story, so don't say I didn't warn you. If you still love me regardless of my horrid update fail, leave me your thoughts? The next chapter's already got a teaser prepared, so this time, the update will come sooner than you think! Kisses to you if you've read up to this point. Mwah!

Oh, and like the excited fangirl I am, who's excited for New Moon next week?! Eeeek!

Thank you for all the replies to the questions I ask! The number one response to the last question of what the best gift you ever received was? Your children. Awwww! Hugs to all you mommas out there for all that you do. I'm sure your kids love you more than you will ever know :)

Next question: Do you remember your first date with a current or past romantic interest?

See you lovelies again real soon!  
_  
Love_,  
**BB**


	15. Hands Down

**Author's Notes:** See now, didn't I tell you I wouldn't make you wait too long for this update? *Huge grin* Many, many thanks for the reviews and the constant love you all still have for ALLTB and I, even though I make your guys' hearts hurt at times. Now, I know many of you think Bella is a douche and that Jasper is an even bigger douche, but at least we all agree that Edward is pure win, right?! So how's about a full chapter in his POV, yes? :)

Please keep in mind that this is an M rated fic and that our lovely Beforeward has a potty mouth at times. And that he was once a (sorta, kinda ish) playboy so sexin' will be mentioned at times... and maybe more so in the future. (Just saying.)

Much love to **Icelandgirl812** for beta-ing this sucker in less than twenty-four hours like the damn awesome hot cake she is! I lurrrve you, Erica! And I know you love me too regardless of the horrid tease I am... what with mentioning an RPattz moan and such. Teehee. ;)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or these characters. I own the plot and that is all. Mmm, but I must say, Taylor Lautner's wet, defined abs most certainly pwned me. Who else saw New Moon and practically died during that scene? My bff actually had to fan my face while I melted to goo on his shoulder. Yes, I said "his". He's a _dude_ that enjoys the Twilight saga and in the words of Beforeward, I'd have to say my bff is pretty fuckawesome :)

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Hands Down**

"_My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me so I die happy? My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry—whichever you prefer_."

* * *

_**Edward Cullen**_

I stared at the back of Bella's head as she hugged my sister and allowed her false words to soak into the pit of my stomach where they sat like a ton of bricks within me. Alice continued to jabber on and on about her trip to San Francisco, but it all sounded like garbled nonsense since the only thing I was able to register through my brain was the fact that Bella had lied about what her and I were.

All to piss off Jasper, I'm sure.

I wanted to throw shit too now, simply because she had just given me a fantastic weekend filled with kisses and fucking _hope_, only to rip it away the second her honky-tonk best friend came back into town. I was so annoyed at everything that had just happened that I didn't even notice Alice and Jasper leaving. Bella was holding a neatly wrapped box but tossed it to the side as soon as her and I made eye contact.

"Edward, about that," she paused. "I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking!"

My brow furrowed as I stared down at my mother's favorite throw pillows. There was no way I was going to be able to stay mad at her if she gave me puppy eyes. I was a sucker for damned puppy eyes. "It's just... I don't get it? Why? Right after you made it very clear that I am _not_ your boyfriend, you go and say that I am?"

"I wasn't thinking," she repeated. With a shake of her head, she uncurled her legs from underneath her and reached over to stroke the skin of my forearm. "You're angry, aren't you?"

Of _course_ I was angry. Her mind games were on fucking point. She knew what to do to keep me interested, and she knew what to say to keep me hanging on. I was an idiot for allowing myself to feel the emotions I was feeling for her. Stupid for believing for a second that things with her would be different than how they were with the women back in Chicago.

"I'm sorry." She moved over and looked straight into my eyes, flushed and all shy-like as she spoke, "But, before I forget, thank you so much for this weekend, Edward. I don't know if I told you at any point how you've helped, but you made it so easy for me to forget about their trip to San Francisco. It was exactly what I needed."

I chose not to acknowledge her thanks and instead just went straight to the point. "So, what does this whole thing mean then? Are you going to tell them it was a slip-up and that we're not actually an official couple?"

Bella chewed on her bottom lip again, a habit I was starting to think derived from nervousness, and averted her eyes to the throw pillows beneath us. "As much as I'd like to correct myself, I don't think... I can. Alice will be heartbroken, and Jasper will just throw a fit if he thinks you hurt me."

Not to mention the fact that Jasper would probably assume Bella and I had had sex, and that I was done because I'd finally gotten my "five minutes," which was definitely not the case at all. And I already cringed at the thought of the bitch version of Alice that'd verbally and physically kick my ass if any word of a break-up came up.

"But if you'd prefer me to tell them it's not like that—"

"No," I interrupted, "you're right. They'd _both_ be on our asses about it. Even if you said it was a mistake or simply a slip-up, I'm pretty sure they'd be wondering what would cause you to say it in the first place. So, what's done is done. Let's just think of how exactly we can work this out so it goes in our favor instead."

"We can... I don't know, pretend, maybe?" she suggested. "We've already been out plenty of times. It doesn't even have to be all the time if you don't want it to be. I just want to avoid any kind of conflict this situation could bring either of us."

Fuck.

I raked my fingers through my hair and let out a heavy sigh.

I thought about it. And then thought about it some more.

This was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She was telling me she wasn't going to tell Alice and Jasper it was a mistake. She was asking me to pretend to be her boyfriend, and I was actually considering going along with it because... hell, I didn't even have a reason.

My confused heart was screaming 'yes!' for the sake of being able to stay close to her, and the rational part of my brain repeated 'no!' over and over because something was telling me I was getting the short end of the deal.

But, before I could get up and walk away like I should have, she leaned over and placed her soft mouth against mine, breathing against my lips with her whispers of an apology for doing what she'd done and for asking what she'd asked. Her fingers wove through my hair and her tongue caressed mine, and just like that, all my walls came crashing down.

I couldn't say no to her even if I tried.

I pulled her close and held her against my body, doing my best to fight off all the negative thoughts floating around in my head. There was a _slight_ possibility she didn't actually do this for Jasper. There was also more than just a slight possibility that she _did_ like me quite a bit. I forced my mentality to take a positivity shot and sighed against her neck when I realized maybe, just maybe this could actually work in my favor.

And if Bella and I were going to pretend to be a couple, I had to make sure I'd do it the right way. Half of me was, to be honest, pretty fucking excited because now I could kiss her and hold her and just _be_ with her.

The other half of me waved flags of warning in my face because as I was beginning to find out, lying didn't bring any kind of good. Lying distorted reality. Basically, lying just plain hurt people. And I was its main target if I didn't make damn sure I was careful.

But, I didn't care because having her little arms snaked around my waist and her pillow-like lips against the crook of my neck was just the shove I needed to say, "fuck careful" and take the risk.

Could Bella be worth the risk?

Hell, if I knew.

But I was willing to give it a shot.

"You know, you didn't have to pull a stunt like that. I would have said yes if you begged me to be your boyfriend," I joked. The part of me that found so much humor in bantering with Bella was back and I decided it was much better that way. It was easier for me, and I was more than sure it'd be easier for her, too.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Seeing me beg?" She flicked my forehead with a giggle. "Too bad, Cullen. Not in your lifetime."

And just like that, the Bella I was starting to adore so much was back with spitfire and the twinkle in her eyes.

Seeing her the way she had been with me the entire weekend was the only thing holding me to the words I may or may not have regretted saying. So with the lingering thoughts of how this was all going to play out in my mind, I held her close and hoped to whoever was listening that I would not get fucked over a second time.

* * *

I dropped Bella back home and hung out with her for a bit after we figured out the way this whole plan was going to work... and after we made out a little on my parents' couch. That part was pretty fuckawesome, if I do say so myself.

It was obvious enough to the both of us that the feelings _were_ there. The spark in our kisses and the electricity in our touch made that clear enough. It was also very obvious that she was not completely over Jasper, with or without her saying a word about it. That was a very dangerous line I refused to play with, so without bringing it up, we agreed that in public, we'd be Edward and Bella—boyfriend and girlfriend. In the comfort of our own homes or within the privacy of just the two of us, we didn't have to be anything more than that. Unless she wanted that.

But, I decided it wasn't going to be up to me.

It was going to have to be her call.

And even though I should have been annoyed, I wasn't. Because not only would these boundaries keep my emotions in check, but part of me believed that the lack of being a "couple" in private might just drive her to want something more, both inside and outside closed doors. We also set a date for the bomb to be dropped on Alice and Jasper—one month before the wedding. It gave Bella and I a good three months to portray the dating thing and would end well before they were to tie the knot to avoid any kind of problem it might cause.

If things worked out the way I was hoping they'd work, Bella and I would attend the wedding not only as the maid of honor and the best man, but as an official couple as well.

And if things ended the way we said they would, I'd walk away with no regrets because Bella, in my own personal opinion, was absolutely worth being around, despite what I might have to go through.

Upon realizing what I'd just admitted, I scrubbed my hands over my face and sighed heavily. Either I really, _really_ needed to get laid, or I liked Bella a hell of a lot. I was assuming it was both.

I looked down and sighed sadly, realizing it _had_ been quite a while since my lower half had gotten any female lovin'. Yep, definitely both.

Once I threw out the thoughts of Bella and my sex life, I pulled back into the driveway of my parents' house. They had left a voicemail saying they'd be back by late evening and Alice had also mentioned wanting all of us to be there when she gave us our presents. Knowing Alice, she'd probably gotten me some kind of expensive cashmere sweater that I'd never end up wearing. But because she was my only sister, and I hadn't gotten to experience stuff like that for a handful of years, I obliged.

They all greeted me once I walked inside and after a kiss to Esme's cheek, a manly hug to both Carlisle and Emmett, and a gentle ruffle to Alice's hair, we all gathered around the couch.

My parents told us about their mini getaway and I couldn't help but smile at the adoration my father's bright blue eyes held as they spoke. They hadn't actually gone very far this year and stayed in Seattle, much to all of our surprise. My father booked the weekend for them both at The Edgewater and reserved the Junior suite, which was the best available in the luxury suite with amazing view of the waterfront.

After almost thirty years, my parents were just as much in love with each other as they had always been. It made me wonder when I was going to be able to settle down with a lover of my own.

Alice eventually pulled out the many bags behind the coffee table and emptied the contents of them out on the floor in front of us.

She bought Carlisle a nice-looking watch she'd found on sale and an "I love my daddy" mug with "SF" painted onto the handle, to which he laughed and hugged her for. Esme's gift was a fuchsia silk scarf and a mug similar to Carlisle's, with "mommy" instead of "daddy". When she finally got to Emmett and I, I mentally thanked whoever it was that had convinced her to get me something I'd actually wear. She gave us each two neckties for work and keychains that said "World's best brother".

After thanking Alice and hearing about her trip over one of Mom's home-cooked meals, we all decided it was about that time to go back to our own apartments and retire for the night. Alice pulled me aside when we got out of the house, raising a brow and clicking her tongue the way she always did whenever she was trying to keep her excitement at bay.

"I leave the state for two days, and I come back to the news of my brother and my best friend dating?" She smiled and clicked her tongue again. "How did you do it? Jazz and I have known her for years, and she's never agreed to going official with anyone!"

I gave her my trademarked grin and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Thought you would have figured out after all this time that I've got a certain charm women seem to love."

Alice shoved me back and laughed. "Ew, gross. As much as I love you, I really don't care to know the details of you and Bells shacking up together."

"It's not like that with Bella," I said sternly, which was nothing short of the fucking truth. "If I'd wanted to get in bed with her, I would have made it happen by now."

"And I'm glad you haven't," she sighed. "I love Bella. She's my best friend. She has only been with one guy and that was the result of too much alcohol in college. She's... not like any other girl you've been with, Edward."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my always-messy hair. I knew who she was referring to. And damn her for bringing it up after I was finally beginning to get it out of my head for good. "I know, Ali. I know."

She kissed my cheek softly, pressing the button on the remote of her keys that unlocked her Porsche. "If anyone can get rid of Five-minute Edward, it's her. And I'm absolutely thrilled that she's with someone like you now. You two will be good for each other," she tapped her temple and winked, "I already know it."

I gave her a weak smile and drove off in the opposite direction when she was out of sight. Once I got to my apartment, I lunged at my heavenly king-sized bed and stared up at the blankness of the ceiling above me.

_She's... not like any other girl you've been with, Edward_, Alice's voice echoed in my head as I slowly brought my wrist up into the faint glow of the city lights pouring into my room. The permanent "T" stared back at me, slightly faded from years of going without a touch up. Plenty of times, I'd thought about getting it removed instead of continuously falsifying its meaning. Tanya versus temptation. Either way, the tattoo still defined something about her. The more sensible choice _would _be to get it removed.

But, I never went through with it.

Why?

I had absolutely no idea.

For the longest time, I kept the "T" as a reminder to myself. I somehow felt as if it was all I had left of her. I ran away and provided no way for her to find me, secretly hoping she'd try hard enough to do just that. But when my parents finally gave in and let Tanya know where I'd been all along, she never made an attempt to see me.

I expected no less; I was not the love of her life anymore. I didn't know who was, but I knew who it wasn't.

Days passed.

Weeks.

Months.

Eventually, years. And I was slowly getting better with the distance and my constant devotion to my studies.

It wasn't until my last year at Northwestern that everything fell apart for me.

All my hard work.

All the damned pain.

I was doing so well...

I was days away from graduating and a fingertip's distance away from the job of my dreams. My mailbox was filled with congratulatory letters from my family, pictures from friends back home, and various other things that always brought my day up.

Until I saw it.

A medium sized white envelope with the names of the two people I hadn't thought of in what felt like centuries. I felt time ticking by ever so slowly as I ripped the seal of the paper, holding in a breath as I reached inside and pulled the card out.

The words blurred together, and I blinked repeatedly to get myself to focus on what the fuck it said. I dropped every other letter I was holding and slammed my back into the wall before sliding down against it, hoping the impact against my body would somehow make the words disappear. Hoping this was all just some sort of a nightmare I'd soon wake up from.

. . . _Mr. and Mrs. Peter and Charlotte Denali_ . . .

. . . _request the honor of your presence at the marriage_ . . .

. . . _Tanya Denali and James Valente_ . . .

I let out a ragged breath and gripped the edges of the delicate card roughly. "Shit," I cursed, feeling my fingers quake with the anxiety tugging at the inside of my stomach. I pulled the card closer to eye level so I could make sure I'd read it correctly, and a photo fluttered to the floor beside me.

My world, again, crashed down on me, and the black hole I'd worked so hard to rid myself of was back with a vengeance.

It was real. So obnoxiously real and in my face and just _right fucking there_. James and Tanya, with an engagement ring on her pretty little finger where mine once was. I turned it over and felt my heart clench at the note written on the back of the photo in Tanya's elegant script.

_Edward,_

_We miss how it used to be and you being in our lives. It'd mean the world if you could come. There's a place at the altar for you, if you choose to stand as the best man._

_With all our love,  
James and Tanya_

Without even thinking, I ripped that stupid photo in half. Along with the envelope, the invitation, and the RSVP. I tore it to shreds and dumped it into the trashcan in my dormitory hallway. _How fucking dare they?!_ A frustrated grunt escaped through my mouth as I shoved my fist into the wall beside the stairwell. James was marrying the woman I was supposed to have been marrying. I had just torn up the invitation that I was supposed to have been sending out with her.

Years of constant struggle to push them out of my thoughts all fell to pieces when I realized I was still entirely bitter at the both of them. How was I supposed to be happy that they were living the life I was supposed to be living? That he had now had literally everything I'd ever wanted?

Once I got back to my room, I didn't even bother to pull out the alcohol or call my roommate up so I could vent about what had just happened. Instead, I simply turned my laptop on and Googled the closest place in my area that did tattoos.

Because I needed another reminder. The "T" let me know how foolish it was of me to surrender my heart, and I wanted something else that could forever remind me to never go down that path again.

Love played vicious games with my heart and mind and I wanted to remember that for as long as I possibly could.

The tattoo shop was a small one with hardly any people inside. There was a woman behind the counter by the name of Vivian, popping her bubble gum and flipping through a magazine as I approached her. She stared at me, probably thinking I was in the wrong place. From her perspective, of course it'd look that way. I was a clean-cut guy with no piercings and only a tiny little letter on my wrist that could hardly be called a tattoo. Of course she'd be wondering what in the hell a guy like me was doing in a place like that.

I told her I didn't know what I wanted, and she led me to a chair where she asked me why I even came in the first place.

And even though I didn't know who she was or anything about her, I spilled everything to her. The five year relationship, being cheated on, moving away, and finding out that Tanya was to be wedded to the same guy she cheated on me with years ago... who also happened to be my best friend at the time.

I emphasized the phrase "at the time". There was no way I was willing to still call him or her my best friend after everything that had and hadn't been done.

Vivian looked at me the same way everyone else did—with sympathy. I was so sick of people feeling sorry for me. So sick of people looking at me as if I _needed_ their damn pity. But before I could tell her to cut it the hell out, she instructed me to lie back in the chair, and pulled my shirt up high enough so that the lower half of my torso was exposed. She cleaned me down and began sketching out a stencil, refusing to let me see what it was until it was entirely finished.

Once it was done, she asked me to lower my pants just an inch or two. The stencil ran along the barely-there lines of my v-cut, and I knew in order to reap the full benefits of its location, I'd have to make those damned lines a bit more defined. I made a mental reminder to sign up for a gym membership as soon as graduation was over with.

Vivian questioned me more about Tanya, and for some reason talking about her didn't hurt as much when my mind was distracted by the dull sting of the needle driving into my skin. She finished pretty quickly and wiped my torso of any excess ink or blood. After smiling at her work, she led me to the full-length mirror where I finally got to see what she'd put as a permanent mark on my body.

To say I was awestruck would be a complete understatement.

_Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget_ was inked onto my skin in black, elegant lettering. Those six words along the lines of my v-cut spoke the entire story of what happened in the past. I looked over at Vivian with satisfaction, letting her know it was all I wanted and more.

"How did you even know?" I asked, admiring the phrase on my skin.

"You and me are one in the same." She turned to her side, lifted up her loose-fitted, black halter-top and revealed one of her own tattoos to me.

_There  
once was  
a little  
girl who  
never knew  
love until  
a boy  
broke her  
heart._

I raised an eyebrow as Vivian lowered her shirt back down, giving me a half-hearted smile along with a shrug. "I fell in love for the first time a few years back."

"What happened?"

"He died."

I paused. The way she said it... so calmly, so nonchalant... I almost envied her for being able to say it with such strength. If only I could have talked about Tanya with the same attitude. If only when I said I didn't care, I really didn't. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and held out her right wrist to me. _I'll never forget the first time I knew I loved you. You're beautiful. Never forget that, my darling_ was written in faded ink against her skin. "I never even knew I was in love with him before it was too late. He was sick and wrote me letters every day until he passed. I took his letters and had them make a stencil of it for me to have permanently."

Without shame, she pulled the top half of her shirt down enough to expose the tattoo of a heart with the name "Riley" scrawled inside. "You and me, Edward, we wear the pain of our past. We use them not as designs to decorate our bodies, but as reminders of what used to be. I understand that better than you think."

My brows furrowed, and my heart felt released of the anchor weighing it down. Finally, _finally_ someone understood me. Somebody, for once, didn't criticize my wanting to keep the "T". It was overwhelming and before I could stop myself, I pulled her face to mine and kissed her to give her my thanks.

Surprisingly enough, she kissed me back.

And I hopped onto the first stepping-stone of the very long road of getting over Tanya Denali.

Vivian was my first five-minute encounter. I almost felt guilty for being with another woman who wasn't Tanya, but I knew by the look in Vivian's clouded hazel eyes as I stripped her of her top, that she was on the same page as I was. The guilt was there because of Riley.

And we both knew this would serve as a distraction from the permanent reminders on our skin. It was rushed, clumsy, and it sure as hell would not count as love making. I _fucked_ her in the back seat of her car and after that night, we never spoke again, nor did I return to the tattoo parlor she worked at.

I didn't get her number or even a last name. But to be entirely honest, I'd wanted a memento of her and the time we shared together, simply because it helped me realize that I _could_ move on if I made enough of an effort to.

I thought long and hard that day of what I could have as solid evidence of our time. I didn't want a picture and taking something of her personal belongings was a bit too much. It finally came to me on the way back to my dormitory.

The sounds of cars driving down the streets outside my apartment window pulled me out of my trip down memory lane. Once I shook my head and cleared my thoughts of the past, I slid out of bed and walked over to my closet, peering up at the box shoved into the corner of the shelf built inside. Did I really want to dive back into my past of Chicago? Did I want to take the risk and literally open up the box of memories I'd left behind?

I did.

I needed to.

After inhaling a sharp breath, I opened the box and was face to face with the only reminders I had left of my time in Chicago. I dug around inside and finally found what I was looking for.

A pair of purple, cotton bikini panties with the tag still attached.

I chuckled to myself and kicked the box aside with my foot. I was not the typical one-night stand type of guy you find at bars. I didn't exchange numbers and very rarely used my last name. It was better that way and much easier to deal with afterwards.

Girls were left with the dull ache between their thighs and my ghost of a touch as a reminder. Myself, on the other hand? I always made a note to myself of what type of panties they wore and bought an identical pair the next day. It was a strange way to remember them by, I'm sure, but it worked for me. Not only did I have physical evidence of being with another woman who wasn't Tanya, but I also had my purchases blared out in front of me every time I checked my bank account.

_Vivian_ was written on the back of the price tag in my handwriting. I smiled at the thought of her. She was actually a very nice girl, and I was sort of regretting leaving without any kind of word to her. Maybe one day I'd look up the name of the tattoo parlor and ring her up. Maybe. One day. Since Vivian was probably the only girl I'd had a conversation with after the sex was over. We just laid in her backseat and talked about her tattoos, where I was going to school, and various other things I could hardly recall now.

_Damn_. There were so many pairs in the box. So many physical reminders of how much I had to work to get myself over Tanya. I closed my eyes and couldn't even fathom how pathetic I must have seemed to someone who knew the whole story.

Thankfully enough, no one knew the full extent of the shit I had to do in order to get myself to fall out of love. It was a very touchy topic and everyone knew that.

With a sigh, I yanked my shirt up over my head and stared at the words on my torso in the mirror. _Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget_. Years had passed. Tanya was married. And regardless of the fact that I wasn't in love with her anymore, I was still alone.

Alone.

Was I?

Involuntarily, I grabbed my phone and dialed a number, waiting on my bed as the line rang.

"Hello?"

My body calmed almost immediately, and I let out a heavy breath upon hearing her voice. "Bella."

Just hearing her talk already eased me significantly and I was starting to wonder just _how_ she was able to do it. I'd talked to many women, heard them say things much more... perverse than just a simple "hello" and yet, it never seemed to have the effect Bella's had. I couldn't understand it.

"Edward," she teased in the same breathy tone I'd used. And damn, if I wasn't so messed up over the emotional roller coaster I was currently experiencing, I probably would have been turned on. "What are you up to?"

I shook my head, regardless of the fact that she could not see, and pulled my shirt back on. "Look, I know it's kind of late... but, do you think I could come over?"

"Come over?"

"Yeah," I said, pausing. "I just... really need someone to talk to."

I didn't realize how much I'd actually just wanted to talk to someone about everything until I spoke those words. And because Bella and I were almost one in the same like Vivian and I once were, and because I knew of Bella's deepest secret, I figured it'd only be fair that I let her into my mind, even for just a little while.

The line was silent as I waited for her response. "Bella?" I asked, thinking our call had been dropped and wondering whether or not she'd allow me to see her so late. Like I said, our agreement worked only when we were in public and behind closed doors, we were just Edward and Bella.

I was really beginning to think she was going to deny me or that Jasper was currently on her couch watching television or something. But before I could take back my words, she answered.

"I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** And so, Beforeward's second tattoo is revealed. Does he have anymore? Guess you'll just have to wait until Bella grows enough of a back bone to strip him of his clothes ;) The next chapter is already being worked on. See? I told you I'd get better at updating!

Vivian's tattoo is up on my profile page if you'd like to see! Also, have you checked out the ALLTB thread on Twilighted? It's where I post up teasers for the next chapter so I'm hoping you all stop by at one point or another :) That link, too, is on my profile page.

I loved reading about the first dates you've all had! Most of them were about your first dates with men who are now your current husbands! I love happy stories like that, so congrats to all of you for finding happiness :) My first date with my ex-boyfriend was the typical date I spoke of in the last chapter. Movie and dinner. It was cute because he did hold my hand the entire time and wiped and kissed my tears away when I cried during a few scenes, but I'd much rather prefer something simple. Let's hope the next first date I go on (whenever that may be *sad face*) is something more to talk about!

Next question: Do you have any tattoos? And if not, would you get one and what would you get?

See you lovelies again real soon!

_Love_,  
**BB**


	16. My Beautiful Rescue

**Author's Notes:** I'm going to either get a lot of hatred sent my way for taking so ridiculously long, or I'm going to get welcomed back happily. I'm hoping it's the latter. I can throw out excuses, but I'd prefer to just be honest with all of you and say that school and reality got in the way. You want the truth? I was dating a guy for a while, got caught up in that, and lost time for a lot of other things. The boy and I now, though? That fell to pieces (sadly), and I've gotten the inspiration to write again. Channeling my emotions through writing was always my way of getting over it all.

So if you never knew until now, the emotions in this story? The heartache, the pain, the angst? All from personal experience. Now you know my secret. Shh, please :)

On another note, you all blow me away with the positivity. Thank you everyone for the constant love you've been sending my way! It makes me happy to know you're all still with me on this ride! I may not be able to reply to every single review, but I read each and every single one, and I appreciate them more than you know. I promise (for real this time!) I'll do my best to update more often.

My to-be constant updates are also an early birthday gift to my fabulous friend, Erica, whom you all know as **IcelandGirl812**. Told you I was trying, Twinkie! *muah*

But enough rambling. You wanted to read, right?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own.

* * *

**A Little Less Than Before**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**My Beautiful Rescue**

_"I've been jumping from the tops of buildings for the thrill of the fall, ignoring sound advice and any thought of consequence. My bones are shattered, my pride is shattered, and in the midst of this self-inflicted pain, I can see my beautiful rescue."_

* * *

_**Bella Swan**_

As soon as the word "together" slipped through my lips in a completely different way than I'd wanted it to, I immediately regretted it. It was wrong of me on so many levels and I knew Edward was probably dying to ask me what the hell was up with my head.

Even _I_ wanted to know what the hell was up with my head.

I closed my eyes and basked in Alice's warmth, doing everything I could to avoid the piercing stares I felt from both sides of the room.

As much as I hated to admit it, Jasper's reaction made me feel pretty good about myself. In all honesty, I was still very angry with him and wanted nothing more than to kick him in the shin and declare that if I wanted to date Edward Cullen, I'd damn well _date_ Edward Cullen and didn't care what his Texan ass thought of it.

But, with people like Jazz, the silent treatment worked better.

I refused to acknowledge the fact that he was even there and promised Alice we'd talk details as soon as she and Jasper unpacked and rested a bit. They left the two of us alone, and the guilt rushed at me like an angry bull.

I knew Edward was upset just by the look on his face. It hurt me more than I'd like to admit to know I'd upset him, so I was willing to back out of what I'd said and take any whiplash Alice or Jasper decided to give me just so he'd stop looking at me like I'd stomped all over his chest.

Just so he stopped looking at me like he was so disappointed in me... because I knew very well that he definitely was.

But, once I opened my mouth, he surprised me.

As he always did.

He, too, wanted to avoid any kind of conflict my stupid slip-up would bring and agreed that we _should_ just pretend to date for a while so they'd leave us alone. The thought of Edward and I being something more than what we already were both thrilled and scared me at the same time.

It excited me because a window of opportunity to free myself of years of unrequited love was finally in my path.

But it also scared me... because even though I was angry as all hell at Jasper, I still loved him like I had for so long.

So to say I was surprised when he was the _last_ thing on my mind all weekend would be an understatement. Edward and I spent so much time together, just being ourselves while doing laundry and washing his car. I laughed, I smiled, I kissed, and damn it all, _I was happy_. Simply knowing it was actually _possible_ for me to be so happy even though I'd just experienced the worst heartbreak of all time, was what thrilled me most.

The possibility of someday letting go... I held onto that small glimmer of hope with every ounce of strength I had in me.

Edward and I parted when he had to go have dinner with his family, but not without promising to see each other again soon. He kissed me once on the cheek and drove off when I made my way inside my apartment building.

I looked down at the nicely wrapped gift Alice had handed me earlier, remembering I told her to get me something pretty. Curiously, I ripped the paper off the box and lifted the lid, knowing very well Alice would definitely not disappoint when it came to shopping.

It was a silver bracelet with only a single charm dangling from one end of it—a book. I pulled out the note underneath the material supporting the bracelet and smiled.

_You said to bring you back something pretty, and so I'm hoping this is pretty enough. Huge sale at Neiman Marcus! In case you didn't know, it's a charm bracelet with a book attached because that's how we met—in Political Science. Remember how we had to lug that book around all the time? Thank goodness college is over._

_I love you, Bells. And I really hope you'll forgive me for everything I've done._

_P.S.  
I bought myself one to match. I couldn't resist. :)_

I laughed while I fastened the bracelet onto my left wrist and decided to send Alice a message to let her know I loved the gift. She was probably still having dinner with her family, but I figured she could get back to me whenever they were finished.

_Something pretty, indeed. Thanks Ali, I love it and more so you for getting it for me._

I pressed send and since I had nothing better to do, started on the semi-huge pile of dishes accumulating in my sink. As I scrubbed and rinsed, I looked over at the lovely arrangement of wildflowers Edward had brought me the other day, which was situated next to Jasper's wilting one. With my hands still wet and soapy, I grabbed his bunch of flowers and tossed them into the metal trashcan beside me. It wasn't out of spite that I threw them out. I did it more towards the point that seeing them just reminded me that was his way of apologizing.

I didn't need the material things as a form of kissing up, and I honestly thought he knew that. All I would have wanted was for him to come over and talk things out with me.

There was still a part of me that was bitter at him for deciding to keep everything a secret, but I was slowly letting it go since I was, even now, keeping a secret from him.

After the dishes were washed and my stomach was cupcake-happy from snacking on one, I went into my room and pulled out a booklet filled with Sudoku puzzles. As nerdy as it was, I loved solving those things. It gave me something to do and was challenging at times, so why not?

I'd only gotten one row filled out before my phone rang, flashing Edward's name on the screen. The little swarm of unexpected butterflies fluttered within my stomach as I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Bella?"

I laughed at how relieved he sounded and wondered if Hurricane Alice finished with the gifts. "Edward," I teased, using the same tone. "What are you up to?"

"Look, I know it's kind of late... but, do you think I could come over?"

"Come over?" I asked, slightly shocked that he hadn't just shown up at my door as he had done the past two days.

"Yeah," he said. "I just really need someone to talk to."

I tossed my Sudoku puzzle to the side and was suddenly glad I'd tidied up a bit beforehand. I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to put on some jeans or just stay in my yoga pants, but went with the latter. I was comfortable whenever Edward was around, so I felt no need to spruce up my wardrobe.

"Bella?" he asked.

Crap, I hadn't even realized that I hadn't replied to him yet. But he should have already known the answer was yes. "I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

He sighed, and I heard the jingle of his keys as he spoke, "I'll be there in a bit."

I combed my hair down and brushed my teeth just to be safe. Edward and I kissed up a storm on his parents' couch, so if it happened again, I just wanted to be prepared. I exhaled in minty satisfaction once I finished and suddenly became very curious as to what could have been eating at Edward's mind.

Not only did he not sound like the typical, flirtatious Edward I was used to, but he usually never really liked to talk about things involving himself. Whenever we were around each other, he tended to turn all our topics into things about me. The fact that, for once, it'd be about him made me all the more eager for him to arrive. I walked to the front door and unlocked it quietly, then went to the couch with my Sudoku puzzle I'd retrieved from my room and waited.

I was humming in thought as I stared at the grid of squares, trying to figure out where I could put the numbers so it'd match out evenly when a knock came at the door. I turned in that direction and smiled when Edward let himself in. With my insides suddenly very jumpy, I stood up and smiled when he took me in his arms like I was hoping he'd do.

We stayed like that for I don't even know how long. I snuggled my face into his chest and inhaled the scents of Downy and fresh, Seattle nighttime air. There was also a slight hint of mint, and not the kind that lingered on my taste buds, but the kind you picked up in sprigs at the grocery store. It was different and still very much Edward at the same time.

After we finally managed to pull away, we sat on the couch and he pulled my legs into his lap as he did earlier in the day. "So, what's on your mind?" I asked, relaxing my legs against him as he traced patterns into the fabric of my yoga pants.

"A lot," Edward admitted, leaning his head back against the couch. "I don't even know where to start."

I nudged him with my elbow and tried to let him know he could talk to me about whatever he needed to talk about. "Start at the beginning?"

He looked over at me then, his once luscious green eyes now pooled with frustration and disdain. I didn't know what could have happened in a few hours to change his mood so drastically, and now I was even more curious than before.

With a shake of his head, he held out his wrist to me. The tattoo of the "T" stared back at me as I thumbed it gently, waiting until he finally found the words to tell me what was bothering him. I knew it used to stand for Tanya at one point, and that they were engaged some time ago. Other than those two details and a bit of what Edward had told me before, I really knew nothing about her or the tattoo. As curious as I was when she was first brought up, I chose not to ask since it seemed to be a personal matter.

"Tanya and I," he started, "like I mentioned before, dated for a while. A long while. Five years to be exact. And I've known her practically my whole life. My parents were really close with her parents. We were kind of like you, Ali, and Jasper."

"There was a third person involved," I said, remembering him mentioning it.

"Yeah. His name is James. The three of us were the best of friends. We seriously did absolutely everything together. Even when Tanya and I began dating, James always stuck around since we were so used to it that way. I mean, it was weirder _not_ having him there than it was having him there when we'd hold hands and kiss and stuff, you know?"

I nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"Everything was going so well. I mean... before I knew it, we were all on our way to graduating and going to college together away from our parents. The thought of it excited all of us like hell. I mean, the fact that I was leaving for college with the same best friends I'd had since I was ten was mind blowing. I couldn't wait to up and leave with them by my side. I proposed to Tanya before our five years because I was too fucking eager. She said yes, and we agreed a ceremony wouldn't be held until we finished college. It was all going exactly the way I'd wanted it to. And then I decided I wanted something else to prove my love for her. The ring she wore wasn't enough for me. I wanted something for me. Something _I_ could show off and be proud of."

"And that's when you decided to get the T?"

"Yes," Edward sighed, placing his palm flat down on my thigh and shifting his gaze to the ceiling above us. "I made sure it was healed by the time our anniversary came along."

"So, what did she say?"

"She never really got to say much of anything about it, I suppose." His free hand rubbed over his face, and I couldn't help but notice the slight scruff along his chin and jaw line. How I hadn't noticed it earlier completely baffled me, because I was an absolute sucker for slightly rough-to-the-touch jaw lines.

"Since she was too busy fucking James and all to even notice I had come through the door."

My focus snapped back to his voice, and my heart went out to him as soon I saw the look in his eyes. He had told me this already that day at the park, but hearing it again was just like hearing it the first time. I was still just as shocked. He was avoiding any kind of eye contact, hands scrubbing over his face roughly as his mind assumingly played out that horrid scene before him once again.

I remembered feeling like I'd been kicked in the stomach repeatedly when I'd found out Jasper and Alice had been dating a year prior to me finding out. That hurt. I mean it really, _really_ hurt... but I doubt it was anything compared to what Edward had had to go through.

Getting cheated on was bad enough. But, getting cheated on by your fiancée on your anniversary with your _best friend_ of all people? I couldn't even process how much Edward had probably gone through after witnessing something so devastating.

"I told you, right? That originally, I lived here. I had lived here my whole life prior to the Tanya and James incident. When I was still in high school and doing college apps, my dad told me to sign up for as many colleges as I could, including ones in the East Coast. The plan was to stay in Washington with James and Tanya. We were all shooting for UW or SU. UC Berkley in California was another alternative if we weren't able to get into the other two. But, I listened to him and applied to other schools just to have options for myself.

"Once I found out about them, I threw my UW and SU admittance letters into the trash. I ripped up the one from UC Berkley, too. It was kind of stupid because I know I could have gotten a good education at either school while still being close to my family, but my mind was made up at the time. I wanted nothing to do with them afterwards. I didn't even walk the stage, did you know that? They mailed my diploma home, and I never got to do the thing where you lift off your cap and throw it into the air once they say 'Congratulations class of whatever, whatever'. Instead, I was packing and leaving everything and everyone I loved behind because I was too much of a coward to face my shit head on.

"And it's like... _fuck_. You know? Looking back on all the shit I did and didn't do because of Tanya. To look back and realize how much she was able to mess with my life... it's just..."

I let out a heavy breath through my nose and moved my legs out of Edward's lap. He looked over at me confused and before he had a chance to question my actions, I pulled his body close to mine and leaned back against the side of the couch so we were both lying down. His head rested on my shoulder blade and he shifted his weight off to the side so he didn't crush me.

I placed a kiss into his soft and messy hair and wrapped my arms around his shoulders because it was the one thing I knew would comfort him more than anything. To have someone there to listen, and to just hold you, and let you know without the use of words that everything would be okay.

"Edward, you may think you were a coward for running away, but you are braver than you think by coming back here. Regardless of the time it took you to return, the main point is that you returned at all. You need to give yourself more credit."

He turned his face at an angle where his breaths hit my neck exquisitely, though I tried to ignore it because now was not the time to try and make out. "I can't even be civil with her after all this time, Bella. I mean, I'm not in love with her anymore. At all. I swear I'm not." I believed him and waited until he went on. "But I mean, she's married and happy and all that shit, and I _still_ can't find it in me to tell her congratulations for getting the life she's always wanted. I want to tell her that it's okay, that I've moved on and that I'm happy for her, but every time I see her, all I feel is... spite."

I inhaled and exhaled at him mentioning the fact that Tanya was already married. It was eerie how much Edward and I had in common, and it almost made me believe our meeting was not simply by luck. "When someone is living a life you were supposed to be a part of, I can imagine it being difficult to pretend you're entirely okay with it."

"Yeah," he sighed. "When I went to meet her that one time, I couldn't even look at her fingers. I was so scared... So fucking scared I'd lose my cool if I saw her wedding ring. Scared at how I'd react. Scared at how she'd react. But really," he paused briefly, "I just want to move past whatever happened. I want to be able to hang out with her and James again. I miss them a lot. Before all of this, we were so close. I miss being around them, but I know it'd be too stressing on my part. Is that... Does that make me a shitty person?"

I held him closer.

How could he ever think something like that would make him a shitty person?

"No," I spoke honestly. "They were your best friends, so of course you're going to hold onto something that huge. But, maybe what you need from Tanya and James is closure. Sit down with them when you're ready to tackle the problem again and talk to them like you're talking to me now. Hold nothing back. Let them know they hurt you, but give them the opportunity to apologize because you know they'll mean it. If they're true friends, they'll understand that you needed the time away."

"What if I can't find it in me to forget what happened?"

"No one's telling you to forget, Edward," I said, "but what you can do is forgive. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. Or a week from now, or a month. But you'll never be able to be around them if you can't learn to forgive the mistakes they made."

He nodded in understanding against my shoulder. "...She told me the reason why she did it was because she felt it was all moving too fast. And that the thought of already being tied down so soon scared her."

"It doesn't make it alright that she did it, but that actually makes a little bit of sense."

"It does," he agreed. "I mean, I never really thought about the fact that if her and I did continue with the engagement, that I would have never ever been with another woman except her. At the time, I just knew I loved her and that I wanted to be with her. Was that so wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong with knowing you love somebody."

There was a comfortable silence between us, with Edward's breaths on my neck and my fingers in his hair.

"I just wish... she went on about it differently," Edward sighed. "Like if she just ended the relationship telling me she wasn't ready to commit herself, I'm sure things would have been vastly different. At the very least, I doubt I would've have run off."

"Do you regret moving to Chicago?"

"In some ways yes, and in some ways no. No because it was the experience of a lifetime for me. Being so far away and in a place where I knew no one molded me into the person I am today. And yes, because I left everyone behind for my own selfish reasons. Threw everything important away for my own desire to move on."

I nodded in understanding and closed my eyes when his lips kissed my neck ever so gently.

"...The whole Jasper thing," he mumbled softly, "is it difficult for you?"

I kept my eyes closed and remained silent. Like always, he somehow managed to turn everything around so it came right back to me. "It is," I admitted. "It's hard because even though he is a self-righteous, lying prick... my heart still wants him."

"And isn't it so fucking annoying that even though he hurt you like no one else ever has, you still care?"

"And that even though they did you wrong, you still wish them the best?"

"And even though they'd never love you the way you'd want them to anymore, you can't help but think 'what if' sometimes?"

I felt tears burning the backs of my eyes upon realizing Edward was _just_ as heartbroken as I was. He'd healed, of course, and covered up the once gaping wound left there and managed to move forward with his life like I so desperately wanted to do.

Like I so desperately _needed_ to do...

I envied him for that. Though I knew it took not months, but years to heal, I still envied him.

"Bella," Edward murmured into my skin, brushing my neck with the lightest of touches. "Please, don't. It's okay. Everything will be okay." I didn't know how he knew I was hurting without even looking at me, but somehow he just _knew_.

Somehow, he always just knew.

Even when no one else did.

Yeah.

_No one else fucking knew._

I shook my head and let the tears roll down my cheeks, feeling pathetic in thinking I was finally becoming even just a bit stronger.

Stronger?

Yeah, biggest lie of the century.

I wanted to point and laugh at myself because it was so hilariously sad.

My heart continued to ache as I sobbed in Edward's arms. "You don't understand how much I wish I could escape all this. I want to tell Jasper to fuck off and I want to beg Alice not to marry him, but I can't. I wish I could go to Chicago. Or anywhere far, far away from here. I wish I were strong enough to not care. I wish I didn't care at all. I wish more than anything I could leave until I was over everything, but I can't. I can't... Because they're getting married and because they're my best friends. I wish Alice knew from the beginning how I felt about Jasper. Hell, I wish _he_ knew. How could they both be so blind? Sometimes, I wish I could come clean because maybe it'd make things easier. Maybe, right? But I can't. I can't... I'm scared and selfish and horrible and I, I just _can't_.

"Because, Jesus Christ, Jasper looks at her like she's the world, and she loves him more than anything else in existence... It hurts. Oh _god_, it hurts so much. They're so happy together, I can see it, I can feel it, and damn it all, because even though they hid things and lied and hurt me _so fucking much_, I could never hurt them back, even though I really, really want to sometimes... And it's like... it's just... shit..." I was blubbering and hiccupping by the time Edward pulled my face into his chest, wrapping his arms so tightly around me I thought I'd suffocate within his grasp.

In a good way though. His warmth surrounded me and provided just the right amount of comfort I needed to relax my aching heart and calm my flow of tears.

"Shhh, it's okay," he whispered into my ear, rubbing gently up and down my back to ease my body. "I'm here, Bella, don't cry."

I thought everything was getting better.

I thought I was finally letting it go.

With Edward by my side, I was honestly beginning to believe things were going to be okay.

But like so many times in the past, I thought wrong.

Of course it wouldn't be that easy.

I cried into his chest, feeling just as stupid as I always did every time I would shed tears over Jasper. I fisted the material of his jacket in my hands as I chastised myself for having such a huge breakdown in front of Edward yet _again_. This night was not supposed to be about me. My tears rolled freely, and I was suddenly very glad I'd decided to go without makeup for the evening.

"Bella, you may not believe me, but I know exactly how you feel," he murmured to me, continuing with the comforting up and down strokes of his hands against my back. "It's like a black hole. Pulling and pulling and pulling and you just can't get away? Sometimes, you smile and think you've conquered it, covered it up and made it a thing in the past..." He paused. "And then you look at a picture, or you hear a song, or you pass by a certain place, and every bit of hard work you put into masking that hole just falls apart, right before your very eyes."

I closed my eyes and cried a little more just because the pain I was dealing with now, was the pain Edward had dealt with for _years_.

"You ask yourself, 'why me?' You beg within to just let go. You feel like it's inescapable, impossible to ever get away. Like this shit is never ending and it'll only be a matter of time before that same black hole opens up again? Your mind tells you you're pathetic. Your heart calls it being broken. But either way, you just feel terrible and weak and the only thing you can do... is fucking _hope_ it all gets better."

Once again, spot on. I clung to him, desperately needing his voice and his warmth to keep me grounded and away from the tears threatening to spill over.

"And someday, it will get better. I can guarantee you that much. I know it hurts, Bella. If anyone knows, I do. But, if I can do it, so can you." Edward kissed the trail of dampness along my cheeks and brushed away the strands of hair sticking to my face. "_You_ are stronger than you think. Stronger than I _ever_ was for sticking around when I took the easy way out by fleeing. No one said it was going to be easy, but you'll be okay, I promise."

After that, he just held me and hummed softly, peppering my face with light kisses every now and then until my eyes were slightly puffy, but dry.

"I'll be here. I didn't have anyone in Chicago to tell me things would be okay because I didn't trust anybody enough to let them know I was heartbroken. But you won't go through the same thing. I'm here. You've got me. Okay?"

I mumbled a quiet thank you, relieved beyond belief that he'd tell me such a thing.

Edward's hand glided slowly over my stomach as he pulled me on my side so we were chest to chest and eye to eye. I should have been self-conscious being that close to him after just having a mental meltdown, but I wasn't. "You good now?"

I nodded, unsure of how my voice was going to sound.

He smiled. "Good."

"Sorry," I mumbled, clearing my throat a bit to rid myself of the sadness still lingering within my vocal chords.

"Don't be. You're only human."

I nodded again.

"One question though," he trailed off before quickly starting up again. "Has it... gotten any easier?"

My level of sight was now aligned with his, his forest green trained on my red-rimmed chocolate brown. "Slightly," I admitted softly. "You help immensely."

His gaze softened before me as he wiped any traces of my breakdown left on my cheeks, tracing the outline of my lips with his thumb. "Let me kiss you."

It almost sounded like a question that I wished he'd stop asking me. Permission should have never been a factor but, he was enough of a gentleman to still consider asking since I'd just cried my eyes out over another man.

I placed my hand on the nape of his neck and, without a word, closed my eyes.

The answer was always going to be yes.

Slowly, I felt him lean in and press his lips to mine, moving with gentle strokes and tender nips that had my stomach aflutter.

He and I were so in sync not only physically, but emotionally as well. His pain of the past was my pain now.

I knew. He knew. We both knew now that we were almost one in the same. His heart had healed, and mine was still in the process. Without even realizing it, we were helping each other in ways so much deeper than anyone could have ever even thought of.

It was, without a doubt, the one thing I needed.

So, with Edward pressed so closely against me, I closed my mind off to any other wandering thoughts and focused only on the way his mouth moved with mine.

I didn't cry the rest of the night.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Thoughts? Review, or don't. Either way, thank you for reading :)

_Love_,  
**BB**


End file.
